Abandoned by half of my family

[AmZ]

When I was 15 years old, my mum was caught in our house having an affair with a family friend. We never found out how long it was going on for.

My dad was broken so he said he's going abroad for a month and within this time, my mum has to get her stuff packed up and move out.

Me and my sister were asked who we wanted to live with and we decided our dad. Our mum cried and threw a fit saying she felt rejected (!). She promised that she would nevertheless move close by so that me and my sister could see her frequently.

She didn't do that but ended up moving in with her toy boy boyfriends cottage two hours out of London where we were living.

Whilst our dad was away my mum became totally engrossed in herself and basically forgot about us. It was winter and the central heating system broke down and she was leaving to go off for a weekend with her boyfriend. We said, it's freezing cold, there's no hot water, what shall we do? Her reply was a disgusting "your father should have fixed that years ago" like he didn't work as hard as he could to provide for us.

She'd leave us during the week and on the weekends alone, me aged 15 and my sister 16. We felt like this new man in her life was more important than us. She'd leave us with no food in the house and just didn't care about us.

I have flashbacks of her playing a certain CD (to this day when I hear it I cry) and getting ready in front of the mirror before going off with her boyfriend. Pasting her face with makeup and putting on 'Angel' perfume. To this day if I smell that it makes me feel nauseous too.

On my mum's side of the family, there was my aunt and uncle, two cousins, (one who sexually abused me) and both grandmother and grandfather. During this month my dad was away, they never once came to visit us or call us to see if we were OK. They totally disappeared until this day. Since then, both of our grandparents have passed away so it's painful that there's not even a chance of getting back in touch with them. That's that.

So, yeah, I guess I have a lot of abandonment issues there. Not only did our mum up and leave, hardly showing any care or remorse, but the whole of her family abandoned us too. Bear in mind that we were the children and they were the adults.

Just felt like getting that out. It's something that lays heavy on my heart as I feel like I am unlovable and rejected and worthless.

I'll read this to my therapist today.

Until this day, we don't know why our mum's side of the family decided to cut ties with us. Our dad says that it's because they were so embarrassed at what our mum had done. But surely, love exceeds that?

 

[forgetmenot]

AmZ perhaps sit down write a note to all the people who have abandoned you any questions you have, emotions you are feeling. You don't have to send the letters if you don't want tobut by writing them you are letting go of some the the pain and some of the sadness will come out to.

The ones that left who knows why maybe did so for their own survival but you have to look at who stayed who fought for you who took time to care for you you have caring people in you life focus on them ok hun

 

[AmZ]

Thanks. Good idea. I'm very much upset that my grandparents have since passed away so there's no way of contacting them.

Therapy was great today. I opened up and spoke about all of this. And my psychologist didn't cry which was a bonus, she just sat there shaking her head. I spoke for the whole session which has never happened before. I got it all out.

I have other issues since then too. Not just when I was 15.

I found it very difficult when my dad remarried and I felt like second best. My dad would, and still is, trying to make this forced relationship between his wife and me and my sister.

Then my sister got married and went off. And I was all left alone with no one. She's said several times about her having her own family now like I'm some other entity. This is why I've been fighting this by myself.

One day I went in to hospital because I was vomiting and couldn't keep any fluids or food down for days. I was in such a state. I called an ambulance at about 5am and stayed in the hospital until lunchtime. My sister called me at 9am and asked if I was at work. I hadn't called her to tell her I was in hospital. She said "I guess I have to come to the hospital then seeing as there's nobody else in the country to come". I said no, don't come, I'm fine, I'm just getting some fluids and they were doing some checks on me. An hour later, my sister walks in to the hospital with a long face acting all p*ssed off and the first thing that came out of her mouth was "oh, what a headache. The bus took ages, it went around all the houses". I just thought to myself 'p*ss off'. And they wonder why I have been and am still fighting this alone.

Then another time, my sister still didn't know that I was self-harming or drinking and stuff. I asked her what I should do if I had urges to hurt myself or worse. She said, don't come to me. I'm not responsible for you and not your mother. Call dad up. I have my own family and I'm busy.

What my psychologist did manage to say in therapy today is the utter loneliness and abandonment I feel from all of these things that have happened to me.

I don't know what I should feel abandoned and lonely about and what I shouldn't? Maybe because of the BPD, I feel everything stronger and more intense. I don't know whether I'm being irrational and overreacting about and what is actually unfair treatment.

One thing I do know and admit is that nobody is perfect including myself. Just to put that in there.

What do you think?

I told my psychologist about flashbacks that I have about mainly my mum and when my dad had depression. One morning for example he was in the kitchen and passed out. Cut open his chin and started crying and laid on the floor. I went to go and see what the noise was about and my mum was there shouting at my dad telling him he's a wuss and what the hell is he doing. My psychologist also said today, still without knowing about the sexual abuse and flashbacks I have, that it sounds like I have PTSD and said she'd speak to my psychiatrist about it.

I'm just sad and p*ssed off with life, I really am.

---------- Post Merged at 09:48 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 05:35 PM ----------

Wow, everything caught up with me this evening. I was very emotionless with my therapist this morning and I internalised all of the pain of what I talked about.

I sat having dinner tonight and just started to burn up and cry and had to run to the toilet to vomit. I went to speak with the nurse and the floodgates opened wow. I don't have a fever or anything. I just sat eating and started getting flashbacks of things and looked around at all of the sick people around me and it was too much to take. My entire body aches and I'm broken just crying and crying. Wallowing in my own self pity too much perhaps?

I'd really appreciate if anyone has anything to say or advise me concerning my last post.

Wow I'm beaten down. And I've just had to go and do my daily 'body check' to make sure I haven't self-harmed. It's unpleasant but I screwed up so I won't complain.

 

[MHealthJo]

HUGE thumbs up for doing so awesomely in your therapy session Amz!! :thumbs:

It can certainly be very hard and confusing when we try to figure out what we "should" feel sad or angry about, what we deserved and didn't get, etc. It's hard. It gets so mixed up doesn't it.

Its okay to have strong feelings and feel whatever feelings you have.

I think family should not say or do things that make us feel alone, unimportant, unwanted, used, violated, abandoned, unsupported, unspecial, or like a burden.

It shouldn't happen. But due to people's own problems, damage, sicknesses, flaws, darknesses, and imperfections, it happens.

Everyone feels the imperfection and problems from others to some degree, and has their own to contend with. But you have had abuse, abandonment, and a rough, rough ride in so many ways Amz.

I'm so sorry you have experienced these things. They were not about you. You did not deserve them, and you do not deserve pain or suffering now. xx

Keep it up, bringing it up, feeling it, and talking it through. You're doing great.

By doing this, you will be able to eventually "separate" things that have happened from your sense of worth. They are two different, unrelated things.

It will also help you release these hard, hard feelings and process things enough to regain some focus on the good... the good in you, the good you can find around you, the good that can and will exist in your future.

It's tough to see right now. Just hang on and keep on. You'll start to see those glimmers. xox

---------- Post Merged at 04:27 AM ---------- Previous Post was at 04:19 AM ----------

(Oh yeah - and still keep trying not to beat yourself up when you don't do well. Give yourself credit for every single positive thing you do - even on days when its just a matter of "still being here". But when you don't do well or mess up? You're human and won't always do well. Forgive yourself through that. Then start another day, another hour, another minute... the past is past.) xx

 

[AmZ]

Thanks. So you do think it's abuse and abandonment? I can definitely agree on the abandonment however my dad refuses to use that word and just says that my mum left the family home to be with her new lover and that it's not abandonment.

I'm in denial about it and it's ever so tough for my dad to see it for example. When they were last in the country, they came to the hospital and we had a meeting with my psychologist and social worker. My psychologist was saying all of these negative things about my childhood. And my dad turned around at me and was shocked. Said to me, really that's how you feel? It was so awkward, I was sitting there cringing. So I question my own past and don't believe in it. It's like I've made it up or blown it out of proportion or something.

I'm dreading when my dad and his wife come out in another two weeks time and we have another meeting... Me still here and in a worse place than I was six months ago. Doesn't look good from an outsiders point of view.

One thing I do know is that I have a big issue with emotions. And I'll be speaking with my therapist about this in the morning. Because my parents were so weak and broken down at different times during my childhood up to the age of twenty when I was just living with my dad... I was taught that emotions are bad. Like when my dad had depression and was in bed all day long with the curtains closed, I'd go in and would see him in such a state crying and stuff. But me and my sister had to be 'the strong ones' and not cause him any more upset by us showing our emotions. So it was all just fake.

I'VE INTERNALISED ALL OF MY PAST AND IT GOES DEEP.

Then when my grandmother (dads) was dying of lung cancer, we'd go and visit her in the hospital and she was full of morphine. But I always remember knowing that she was somewhat awake and with it as even though her eyes were closed, she'd be rubbing her feet together for comfort. And out dad would sit there and my sister welled up with tears and my dad got angry and eyed her to go outside and 'sort herself out'. That we needed to go and be joyous when visiting her.

Then we'd come back from the hospital and my dad would go straight in to his bedroom and smoke weed to calm himself down. And I was distraught listening to him crying out loud uncontrollably. I didn't know what to do. But what about me? I had no support from anyone and was expected to carry on like normal and not be 'weak'.

There are many times where I lacked this loving comfort and support. Just expected to be like robots and be strong and brave and not break down.

I'm terrified about this meeting we'll have at the hospital when my dad comes out. Like I say, he's in so much denial about things. He just can't see them. And it gets him angry that 'some "professional" has come to these conclusions' when, of course, what does she know?!

But like I mentioned before, I second guess myself. I start to think that maybe my psychologist is making a bigger deal of things than is actually true.

I'm scared that my dad will become angry and upset and our relationship will be affected. He thinks that I've dug in way too deep with therapy and says 'nobody's life is perfect, look at me, I'm not complaining'.

 

[MHealthJo]

It goes back to what forgetmenot has said sometimes... there should be a formal training program, testing, and a license before
people raise kids!

I think sometimes parents actually think they can "toughen" their kids. "If you don't consider strong emotions to be an option, maybe you'll be able to make them disappear somehow, and youll never feel too much pain, and never get into the places that I've sometimes been." This is actually a way of thinking parents sometimes have. Peoples thinking can be a strange mix of unconscious, subconscious and conscious. If they actually put it in those words,l consciously, maybe they would see that it doesn't make sense! People often think in a very reactive, unconscious way that is being fed by hidden fears and other emotions that exist deeper down.

Guess what? Emotions don't disappear.

And emotions should be okay and should be felt and it is okay to have them and show them, especially in safe ways. (I mean, there are some lines we do need to try to draw around what we DO with those emotions and how they actually come out. If youre feeling really confused about whats right and wrong there, perhaps try reading some articles about this from respected resources - maybe about what is abusive behaviour, healthy boundaries, etc.)

But young people being expected not to have emotions or show them is just plain wrong.

Amz the people to listen to about emotions and mental health and how to view your past are psychologists, therapists and psychiatrists, who have the benefit of formal learning and training and practise and a great deal of research - systematic, scientific TESTING of theories and ideas to see what really makes sense and works and what effects things have.

xx