• Quote of the Day
    "Don't let what you can't do interfere with what you can do."
    John Wooden, posted by David Baxter

Me and myself

Member
Joined
Jan 16, 2007
Messages
19
Points
1
Hi

In my latest relationship, I had a discussion with my gf about me not caring about her feelings.

Once, at her home, we were talking and the subject "abortion" came on (she made an abortion one year ago).
She started to cry when she talked about it and I tried to confort her.
The next thing that came up to my mind was to change the subject because I saw how it makes her feel.

During one of our latest discussions, near the end of the relation, she brought this episode to the "discussion table" and told me that I don't even care about to know all the details about it.
I explained her that I understood how it makes her feel bad and, because she was crying, I've changed the subject but only because I was thinking about her.:(
She replied that my behavior was not common (I can't remember but I think she said that it was not "normal").:eek:
She said that the "normal behaviour from my side should be make her talk, to try to know all the details, why did that happened, etc,etc. "When I'm with my friends, if a situation like this occurrs, they ask me if I want to talk about it. If I do, I'll talk, if not, I don't.", that's what she said as a conclusion (she was always comparing me with her friends).

Well, this relation is gone already but his "accusation" always makes me think.
Everytime I think about the reasons why this relatioship didn't worked, this episode is one of the first to come to my mind because, today I know I should have asked more about it and because I could not make her understand my point of view (which is the worst part of it because if that had happened, she might have accept it and haven't included it in the relationship "cons".

How would you react if you were in this situation and your girlfriend started to talk and cry about it?
And what would you do if your bf/gf gives you and explanation like mine for not having talked about it?

This thing, in spite my belief that I've not done anything wrong, makes me feel a bit "unsensitive" about her problem. I could have asked but I think, form my point of view, that I would be torturing her.

Thanks
 
Joined
Jun 11, 2006
Messages
5,390
Points
36
men and women have different ways of reacting to a given situation. as a woman, i tend to need to talk about whatever is bothering me. as a man, my husband tends to want to solve the problem right away. it took him a very long time to understand that i am not necessarily looking for a solution, but that all i want is to talk about my problem and that i just want to be heard. by talking about my problem i feel less alone with it. i think this is what your girlfriend wanted - to just talk about it, even if it made her sad.

that being said, i understand your perspective. you don't want to see someone you care about sad, so you try to steer away from the problem that is making her sad, because you know you can't fix it.

i don't think you were wrong in your reasoning. i think it's probably a common way of thinking for men. it's tricky learning to understand one another's needs with our gender differences. you didn't quite understand that your girlfriend needed to talk, and she didn't understand that you thought you were helping her by not talking about it, with the logic that then she wouldn't have to feel sad.

it takes a shift in thinking but here's what works
person A wants to just talk about the problem, not necessarily looking for a solution
person B hears a problem, and immediately goes into problem solving mode. when it is a problem that cannot be solved, person B may try to avoid the problem instead. to get around this, you need to remember, the way to "fix" the problem is to listen to person A. that is the actual solution :)

i hope this makes sense.
 

Brent

Member
Joined
Jan 15, 2007
Messages
9
Points
1
man, that is a tough one.

Personally, I find how you handled it normal, and if you would have talked to her about it, I would have found that normal too.

I've been in that situation, and others where a girl has told me something pretty big. How I usually handle it is just say "I am so sorry," then hug them until they want me to let go, sometimes it's right away, sometimes it's a couple hours.

Sometimes they want to talk, and you just let them talk about it until they're gotten it all out, sometimes they just want to stand there in silence.

Every now and then, they push away, smile and say they're fine, and then you make sure they have fun at whatever you're doing for the next while.

Hope that helps.
 

Me and myself

Member
Joined
Jan 16, 2007
Messages
19
Points
1
Thanks for the replies.

i think this is what your girlfriend wanted

Well, she's not my gf anymore. In fact that was one of her arguments to finish our relation, that I didn't care about what was happening with her (even after I have explained why I didn't talked to her about the abortion....she just sticked to her point of view). :( And that's hurting a lot.

I'll take in consideration your answers the next time it will happen.
 

Serenity

Member
Joined
Nov 9, 2006
Messages
34
Points
6
From my perspective, don't be too hard on yourself. You made an attempt to do your best and were willing to help ease her pain or listen to her..that is the most important thing. SOME women will want to talk about it, others will not. I don't think there is one right answer. I think asking if she wants to is good, but I also think she is responsible for making sure her needs are met and if she needed you to do something, she should be clear about that so you have half a chance to step up and care for her in a way that works. I think ANY woman would love to be able to speak her needs and have someone there who cares enough to meet them whether they be for silence, hugs, listening or actively talking. Kudos to you for showing that you do care. Evidently she was wrong about you not caring and she will not get another chance to know that wonderful side of you.
 

ThatLady

Member
Joined
Nov 4, 2004
Messages
4,104
Points
36
I think this also indicates the difference between how women communicate and how men communicate. Women will talk a subject into the ground. ;)

Seriously, most women will talk amongst themselves about almost anything. If one has a problem, a female friend will sit and talk about it for however long they feel is necessary. They'll dissect it, put it back together, and dissect it again.

Men, on the other hand, don't usually do this. They're not so likely to be discussing their "serious" problems with each other. They don't usually feel comfortable doing so. Therefore, if something "serious" does come up, and someone seems upset, their natural reaction is to try to change the subject to stop the emotional roller coaster they feel is getting ready to take off. This kind of communication isn't natural to them.

It's not easy, but compromise is possible. It just takes work, and honesty, on both parts to learn to communicate in a way the other can understand.
 

Latest posts


Top Bottom