David Baxter PhD
Late Founder
Adolescence and why freedom isn't free
by Carl Pickhardt Ph.D. in Psychology Today
March 9, 2010
Facing consequences of choices keeps teenage freedom from being free.
Adolescents often say they want independence when what they really mean is social freedom - freedom from adult direction and restraint.
And when they do think about social freedom, it is usually the freedom of choice to act as they wish, which of course is only one half of social freedom. The other half, which they prefer to think about, or even deny, is coping with the consequence of every choice - enjoying beneficial consequences when the choice is good, and suffering unhappy ones when it is bad.
Because freedom of choice is always chained to certainty of consequence, the freedom to make one's own decisions is never free.
One way to think about the job of parenting adolescents is continually teaching the ?choice/consequence connection' for two reasons. First, the young person learns what kind of decisions can cause what kind of outcomes.
Unprotected sex, for example, can lead to sexual disease or unwanted pregnancy. Second, by owning and coping with the consequences of her decision, the young person learns responsibility. She parked illegally, got a ticket, and spends her hard-earned money to pay the fine.
However, this instruction is not as easy as it seems because sometimes the parent doesn't want to allow the teenager to experience the consequence, and sometimes the adolescent doesn't want to acknowledge that choice lead to consequence at all.
Thus, in the company of early adolescent friends, a young person engages in social rule breaking by shoplifting - not to get anything he particularly wants, but to see what he can get away with. Caught with the goods, while his friends were not, the young person faces charges that his parents legally absolve so he does not receive the consequence they fear -- a juvenile record for theft.
Talk to the parents and they have good reasons for saving their son from this social consequence. "He's really a good kid, he says he's learned his lesson, and an active record could hurt his opportunities down the line." But talk to the young man and he feels blameless for the entire episode. "If they hadn't have caught me, none of this trouble would have happened. Besides, it's a stupid rule. The store's not going to miss a couple of CD's."
Consequences can educate choice if they are acknowledged and allowed to bite. Because so much education during adolescence is after a mistake or misdeed has been made, experiencing consequences have a hugely powerful instructional effect. "I'll never do that again!" resolves a young man after a bad experience with hallucinogens.
Which brings up the greatest enemy of remembering the choice/consequence connection during adolescence: substance use. Because alcohol and other drugs have mood and mind altering effect, impulse and emotion can overrule judgement by thinking in the moment only. "At the party I was only caring about what felt exciting now. What could happen later never crossed my mind," the young woman explained. "But later has happened," she glumly reflected. "I guess it always does." I believe so.
The secret of remaining mindful of the choice/consequence connection when managing more freedom in adolescence is taking the time to think before you act. And I'm not talking about a lot of time. Just time enough to give yourself what I call "the three question test." Asking and answering these questions can be done in a matter of seconds.
Then there is this hard reality to remember. Choices always cause consequences; but good choices never guarantee that good consequences will follow. For example, there is the young person who did all the work and practiced really hard and didn't make the cut. The desired consequence did not occur. And yet, despite the disappointment, some benefit was gained.
The outcome the young woman sought was a goal, and the conscientious effort in pursuit of that objective just made her more determined. "Since I didn't get what I was after this time, I'll think about the next best thing I want and now I'll go after that!"
Because adolescence is a more impulsive age, because peer pressure is strongest during adolescence, and because the adolescent brain is not yet fully formed, there is some thought that adolescents who make harmful choices should not be held to adult account for the consequences of their actions. This is a complicated issue.
On the one hand, if you want your adolescent to act grown up, you must hold her to adult account so she can learn to take adult responsibility. On the other hand, when holding the adolescent accountable for immature choices, you must also remember that this young person is developmentally not yet adult and still has some growing up yet to do.
As for parents, there is a lesson here for them too. Although bad consequences can discourage bad choices, good consequences can encourage good ones.
So the question is, "Do you regularly recognize and affirm the positive consequences of all the good choices your teenager makes?" If not, you're missing a good bet.
For more information about freedom, see Dr. Pickhardt's book on adolescence, The Connected Father and the author's website at http://www.carlpickhardt.com
by Carl Pickhardt Ph.D. in Psychology Today
March 9, 2010
Facing consequences of choices keeps teenage freedom from being free.
Adolescents often say they want independence when what they really mean is social freedom - freedom from adult direction and restraint.
And when they do think about social freedom, it is usually the freedom of choice to act as they wish, which of course is only one half of social freedom. The other half, which they prefer to think about, or even deny, is coping with the consequence of every choice - enjoying beneficial consequences when the choice is good, and suffering unhappy ones when it is bad.
Because freedom of choice is always chained to certainty of consequence, the freedom to make one's own decisions is never free.
One way to think about the job of parenting adolescents is continually teaching the ?choice/consequence connection' for two reasons. First, the young person learns what kind of decisions can cause what kind of outcomes.
Unprotected sex, for example, can lead to sexual disease or unwanted pregnancy. Second, by owning and coping with the consequences of her decision, the young person learns responsibility. She parked illegally, got a ticket, and spends her hard-earned money to pay the fine.
However, this instruction is not as easy as it seems because sometimes the parent doesn't want to allow the teenager to experience the consequence, and sometimes the adolescent doesn't want to acknowledge that choice lead to consequence at all.
Thus, in the company of early adolescent friends, a young person engages in social rule breaking by shoplifting - not to get anything he particularly wants, but to see what he can get away with. Caught with the goods, while his friends were not, the young person faces charges that his parents legally absolve so he does not receive the consequence they fear -- a juvenile record for theft.
Talk to the parents and they have good reasons for saving their son from this social consequence. "He's really a good kid, he says he's learned his lesson, and an active record could hurt his opportunities down the line." But talk to the young man and he feels blameless for the entire episode. "If they hadn't have caught me, none of this trouble would have happened. Besides, it's a stupid rule. The store's not going to miss a couple of CD's."
Consequences can educate choice if they are acknowledged and allowed to bite. Because so much education during adolescence is after a mistake or misdeed has been made, experiencing consequences have a hugely powerful instructional effect. "I'll never do that again!" resolves a young man after a bad experience with hallucinogens.
Which brings up the greatest enemy of remembering the choice/consequence connection during adolescence: substance use. Because alcohol and other drugs have mood and mind altering effect, impulse and emotion can overrule judgement by thinking in the moment only. "At the party I was only caring about what felt exciting now. What could happen later never crossed my mind," the young woman explained. "But later has happened," she glumly reflected. "I guess it always does." I believe so.
The secret of remaining mindful of the choice/consequence connection when managing more freedom in adolescence is taking the time to think before you act. And I'm not talking about a lot of time. Just time enough to give yourself what I call "the three question test." Asking and answering these questions can be done in a matter of seconds.
"Why would I want to do this?"
"What problems might it cause?"
"Is it worth the risk?"
If your companions won't give you the fraction of time required to think and take the three-question test, you can be pretty sure you're facing a bad choice. And you might want to reflect on the company you keep."What problems might it cause?"
"Is it worth the risk?"
Then there is this hard reality to remember. Choices always cause consequences; but good choices never guarantee that good consequences will follow. For example, there is the young person who did all the work and practiced really hard and didn't make the cut. The desired consequence did not occur. And yet, despite the disappointment, some benefit was gained.
The outcome the young woman sought was a goal, and the conscientious effort in pursuit of that objective just made her more determined. "Since I didn't get what I was after this time, I'll think about the next best thing I want and now I'll go after that!"
Because adolescence is a more impulsive age, because peer pressure is strongest during adolescence, and because the adolescent brain is not yet fully formed, there is some thought that adolescents who make harmful choices should not be held to adult account for the consequences of their actions. This is a complicated issue.
On the one hand, if you want your adolescent to act grown up, you must hold her to adult account so she can learn to take adult responsibility. On the other hand, when holding the adolescent accountable for immature choices, you must also remember that this young person is developmentally not yet adult and still has some growing up yet to do.
As for parents, there is a lesson here for them too. Although bad consequences can discourage bad choices, good consequences can encourage good ones.
So the question is, "Do you regularly recognize and affirm the positive consequences of all the good choices your teenager makes?" If not, you're missing a good bet.
For more information about freedom, see Dr. Pickhardt's book on adolescence, The Connected Father and the author's website at http://www.carlpickhardt.com
