Adult survivors of abuse
SupportLine
2010
If you are an adult who was abused as a child it is possible that you may have never spoken to anyone about this. Many adults keep this a secret well into their adult life and many find that the effect upon them has had devastating consequences not only throughout their childhood but also in their adult life. You may find that you have enormous difficulty in maintaining loving and trusting relationships, you may have low sense of worth and low self esteem, you may suffer from sexual difficulties and depression. In order to try and block out the abuse and to cope you may be drinking heavily, taking drugs, self harming, suffering from eating disorders and may feel suicidal.
It is important to share the way you are feeling with someone you can trust, someone who will be there for you to listen and give you support. Talking about what has happened to you can make an enormous difference and can feel like a great weight being lifted from you.
You may have been abused by a member of your family and that if you have disclosed the abuse that your family members have closed ranks and may have accused you of making it up. It can be easier to blame the survivor than face the fact that someone within the family has abused you. This can make you feel even more isolated and alone.
You may be feeling guilty as this is a very common feeling for survivors to have. You may feel guilty or bad because you didn't say no or do anything to stop the abuse. You did what you had to do to survive and get through it. Some children are looking for love and affection, not to be abused. Nobody asks to be abused. The guilt, badness and shame is always on the head of the abuser - don't take it onto your shoulders.
Many survivors experience nightmares and you may find it helps to write down the nightmare. This helps to get the feelings out instead of keeping them inside you. Many survivors find that writing about their abuse is therapeutic and some survivors may express their feelings through poetry, art, letters, and you may find that talking through what happened through counselling does lead to a reduction in nightmares and flashbacks. Tell yourself that it is only a nightmare, nobody can hurt you now, you are safe, the past cannot hurt you now.
You may feel a general feeling of being unsafe in the world and that everyone out there is going to hurt you. In relation to the abuse and how they think about the abuse it is common for a survivor to be stuck in thinking with their 'child head'. Try and recognise this and when you have feelings of being unsafe, frightened try and tell yourself that you are just thinking with your 'child head' and need to think with your 'adult head' now. As an adult you recognise you are safe, your house is locked, nobody can get in, there are good people in the world and not just people who hurt others, there are people in the world who you can trust, not everyone out there will betray your trust etc. Recognise that what happened was a long time ago and in order to move on you need to start thinking with your 'adult head'.
Flashbacks are common for survivors to experience and these can be triggered off by anything which may remind you of the abuse. When you have a flashback it can seem so real that you actually can feel you are back in the past and the abuse is actually taking place. It is important to remind yourself that you are now an adult and not a child and nobody is hurting you now, you are safe, try and take slow deep breadths and this will help you to feel less anxious and panicky. To bring yourself back into the present there are things which help like stamping your feet on the ground, clapping your hands, look at the room you are in, listen to the sounds you can hear, remind yourself that you are an adult and safe.
Anger is another very common feeling and that anger may have been inside you for a long time. It will help to find a safe way of expressing that anger.
Some people find it helps to write a letter to the person who abused them, saying exactly how they felt about what happened to them and how the abuse has affected their life - you do not have to send the letter (unless you want to and some survivors do and finds this helps) - you can either keep it in a drawer and take it out and read it when you find that anger is building up inside you until you are ready to get rid of that anger and throw the letter away - which means you are no longer holding on to the anger but ready to let it go and not let it affect you for the rest of your life.
Other people may find that pummelling pillows can help get out their anger, ripping up paper, taking up self defence, keep fit, dancing, and talking - letting the anger out is important. You don't need to turn the anger onto yourself - you have done nothing wrong - you need to start taking care of yourself - a person who has been abused needs all the love and support in the world.
You may find it very difficult to trust and that is understandable because your trust has been betrayed. However, if you are to move on with your life you need to learn to trust again. Yes, be cautious but you need to take the risk of trusting again - yes you may get hurt but you are an adult now and you can deal with that - but you may not get hurt - you may find yourself a loving and caring relationship - if you don't open yourself up to trust you will never find that.
You may find that you have difficulty in sexual relationships because this can remind you of the abuse. Talk to your partner, if there is something which makes you feel uncomfortable talk about that, you may need to stop for a while, it may help you for your partner to remind you where you are, you are in the present, you are safe. There are psychosexual counsellors who are especially trained in helping people who have difficulty in sexual relationships and you can learn to build up trust again.
If you are a survivor it means you have strength. Always see yourself as asurvivor and not a victim. Believe in yourself that you have the strength and ability to move forward with your life. You want to get to a stage where the past does not effect your everyday life. As a child who was abused you had no choice what happened to you and were controlled by others. As an adult you do have a choice and can choose which path you take - a path towards negativity, destroying yourself as a person, continually blaming yourself and putting yourself down - or you can choose a path towards healing and recovery - learning to like and love yourself, praise yourself, value yourself, take the blame and guilt off your shoulders, start to be positive, start to achieve what you want to achieve in life, move towards happiness, love, fulfilment. The choice is yours.
You need a lot of support around you. When you have periods when you get very depressed and feel unsafe in the world do something to make yourself feel good, pamper yourself, look after yourself, do something which makes you feel happy. Some people find it helps to have a 'safe box' where they keep anything which makes them feel good and safe - it could be pictures and photos of people they love, photos of places where they went on holiday, pictures which conjure up relaxing and peaceful images (e.g. beaches, countryside, forests, dolphins, waterfalls etc.), it could be a piece of material like velvet which feels good to touch, seashells, pebbles - something which feels good to hold. Cuddling up with a blanket around you and a cuddly toy can often help - do whatever helps you in your recovery and helps you to heal.
You may have a low self esteem and this is not surprising - you may think how can you be worth anything if someone can abuse you. Remember you are worth just as much as anyone else, you are not bad, or worthless. You are a unique and special person who deserves to be loved and cared for. You have to learn to love yourself first. There are ways you can increase your self esteem (see separate pages on this) and counselling will help with this also. Be determined that the past abuse will not destroy the rest of your life - you deserve better than that. Be patient with yourself, healing and recovery can take time but believe in yourself that you have the strength to get there.
It is so common for a survivor to say 'I hate myself, the abuse was my fault, Ididn't do anything to stop it,' - if you ever say that to yourself that is the child part in you thinking as a child would think - STOP - think with your adult head what would you say to a friend who disclosed they had been abused and they thought they were bad and that it was their fault? As an adult would you not say 'no, itwasn't your fault, it was the abusers fault, there was nothing you could do to stopit' - if you would say that to a friend then try and befriend yourself - talk toyourself as you would talk to a friend because then you are talking with your adult head. You can be kind and caring to a friend - be kind and caring to yourself! If it wasn't your friend's fault when they were abused - how on earth can it have been your fault when you were abused? Next time you run yourself down - STOP - and talk to yourself as you would a friend!
Many survivors find it difficult to care for themselves as an adult and if this is difficult for you then it may help to try and focus on the child inside you. Think of the little girl or boy inside you - he/she has done nothing wrong, all the child wants is to be held, to be nurtured, to be cared for, to be loved. When you repeatedly put yourself down, tell yourself you are useless, worthless, a failure, bad……think of the little child inside you who is listening to that, think how they must be feeling. You may have been in a situation where your parent continually put you down and made you feel worthless but are you not doing the same to yourself? Next time you start to run yourself down, stop, think about the child inside you - start to love that child - to say nice positive things, - start to care for the child within you and give it all the love and feelings of safety and reassurance and encouragement that perhaps you never had but longed for. You have the chance now to care for the child within you and that will then help you to care for your adult self.
Get as much support and help for yourself as you can in your healing and recovery and don't feel that you have to cope alone.
{N.B.: The website also includes an array of support sites in the UK which have not been included in this post}
SupportLine
2010
If you are an adult who was abused as a child it is possible that you may have never spoken to anyone about this. Many adults keep this a secret well into their adult life and many find that the effect upon them has had devastating consequences not only throughout their childhood but also in their adult life. You may find that you have enormous difficulty in maintaining loving and trusting relationships, you may have low sense of worth and low self esteem, you may suffer from sexual difficulties and depression. In order to try and block out the abuse and to cope you may be drinking heavily, taking drugs, self harming, suffering from eating disorders and may feel suicidal.
It is important to share the way you are feeling with someone you can trust, someone who will be there for you to listen and give you support. Talking about what has happened to you can make an enormous difference and can feel like a great weight being lifted from you.
You may have been abused by a member of your family and that if you have disclosed the abuse that your family members have closed ranks and may have accused you of making it up. It can be easier to blame the survivor than face the fact that someone within the family has abused you. This can make you feel even more isolated and alone.
You may be feeling guilty as this is a very common feeling for survivors to have. You may feel guilty or bad because you didn't say no or do anything to stop the abuse. You did what you had to do to survive and get through it. Some children are looking for love and affection, not to be abused. Nobody asks to be abused. The guilt, badness and shame is always on the head of the abuser - don't take it onto your shoulders.
Many survivors experience nightmares and you may find it helps to write down the nightmare. This helps to get the feelings out instead of keeping them inside you. Many survivors find that writing about their abuse is therapeutic and some survivors may express their feelings through poetry, art, letters, and you may find that talking through what happened through counselling does lead to a reduction in nightmares and flashbacks. Tell yourself that it is only a nightmare, nobody can hurt you now, you are safe, the past cannot hurt you now.
You may feel a general feeling of being unsafe in the world and that everyone out there is going to hurt you. In relation to the abuse and how they think about the abuse it is common for a survivor to be stuck in thinking with their 'child head'. Try and recognise this and when you have feelings of being unsafe, frightened try and tell yourself that you are just thinking with your 'child head' and need to think with your 'adult head' now. As an adult you recognise you are safe, your house is locked, nobody can get in, there are good people in the world and not just people who hurt others, there are people in the world who you can trust, not everyone out there will betray your trust etc. Recognise that what happened was a long time ago and in order to move on you need to start thinking with your 'adult head'.
Flashbacks are common for survivors to experience and these can be triggered off by anything which may remind you of the abuse. When you have a flashback it can seem so real that you actually can feel you are back in the past and the abuse is actually taking place. It is important to remind yourself that you are now an adult and not a child and nobody is hurting you now, you are safe, try and take slow deep breadths and this will help you to feel less anxious and panicky. To bring yourself back into the present there are things which help like stamping your feet on the ground, clapping your hands, look at the room you are in, listen to the sounds you can hear, remind yourself that you are an adult and safe.
Anger is another very common feeling and that anger may have been inside you for a long time. It will help to find a safe way of expressing that anger.
Some people find it helps to write a letter to the person who abused them, saying exactly how they felt about what happened to them and how the abuse has affected their life - you do not have to send the letter (unless you want to and some survivors do and finds this helps) - you can either keep it in a drawer and take it out and read it when you find that anger is building up inside you until you are ready to get rid of that anger and throw the letter away - which means you are no longer holding on to the anger but ready to let it go and not let it affect you for the rest of your life.
Other people may find that pummelling pillows can help get out their anger, ripping up paper, taking up self defence, keep fit, dancing, and talking - letting the anger out is important. You don't need to turn the anger onto yourself - you have done nothing wrong - you need to start taking care of yourself - a person who has been abused needs all the love and support in the world.
You may find it very difficult to trust and that is understandable because your trust has been betrayed. However, if you are to move on with your life you need to learn to trust again. Yes, be cautious but you need to take the risk of trusting again - yes you may get hurt but you are an adult now and you can deal with that - but you may not get hurt - you may find yourself a loving and caring relationship - if you don't open yourself up to trust you will never find that.
You may find that you have difficulty in sexual relationships because this can remind you of the abuse. Talk to your partner, if there is something which makes you feel uncomfortable talk about that, you may need to stop for a while, it may help you for your partner to remind you where you are, you are in the present, you are safe. There are psychosexual counsellors who are especially trained in helping people who have difficulty in sexual relationships and you can learn to build up trust again.
If you are a survivor it means you have strength. Always see yourself as asurvivor and not a victim. Believe in yourself that you have the strength and ability to move forward with your life. You want to get to a stage where the past does not effect your everyday life. As a child who was abused you had no choice what happened to you and were controlled by others. As an adult you do have a choice and can choose which path you take - a path towards negativity, destroying yourself as a person, continually blaming yourself and putting yourself down - or you can choose a path towards healing and recovery - learning to like and love yourself, praise yourself, value yourself, take the blame and guilt off your shoulders, start to be positive, start to achieve what you want to achieve in life, move towards happiness, love, fulfilment. The choice is yours.
You need a lot of support around you. When you have periods when you get very depressed and feel unsafe in the world do something to make yourself feel good, pamper yourself, look after yourself, do something which makes you feel happy. Some people find it helps to have a 'safe box' where they keep anything which makes them feel good and safe - it could be pictures and photos of people they love, photos of places where they went on holiday, pictures which conjure up relaxing and peaceful images (e.g. beaches, countryside, forests, dolphins, waterfalls etc.), it could be a piece of material like velvet which feels good to touch, seashells, pebbles - something which feels good to hold. Cuddling up with a blanket around you and a cuddly toy can often help - do whatever helps you in your recovery and helps you to heal.
You may have a low self esteem and this is not surprising - you may think how can you be worth anything if someone can abuse you. Remember you are worth just as much as anyone else, you are not bad, or worthless. You are a unique and special person who deserves to be loved and cared for. You have to learn to love yourself first. There are ways you can increase your self esteem (see separate pages on this) and counselling will help with this also. Be determined that the past abuse will not destroy the rest of your life - you deserve better than that. Be patient with yourself, healing and recovery can take time but believe in yourself that you have the strength to get there.
It is so common for a survivor to say 'I hate myself, the abuse was my fault, Ididn't do anything to stop it,' - if you ever say that to yourself that is the child part in you thinking as a child would think - STOP - think with your adult head what would you say to a friend who disclosed they had been abused and they thought they were bad and that it was their fault? As an adult would you not say 'no, itwasn't your fault, it was the abusers fault, there was nothing you could do to stopit' - if you would say that to a friend then try and befriend yourself - talk toyourself as you would talk to a friend because then you are talking with your adult head. You can be kind and caring to a friend - be kind and caring to yourself! If it wasn't your friend's fault when they were abused - how on earth can it have been your fault when you were abused? Next time you run yourself down - STOP - and talk to yourself as you would a friend!
Many survivors find it difficult to care for themselves as an adult and if this is difficult for you then it may help to try and focus on the child inside you. Think of the little girl or boy inside you - he/she has done nothing wrong, all the child wants is to be held, to be nurtured, to be cared for, to be loved. When you repeatedly put yourself down, tell yourself you are useless, worthless, a failure, bad……think of the little child inside you who is listening to that, think how they must be feeling. You may have been in a situation where your parent continually put you down and made you feel worthless but are you not doing the same to yourself? Next time you start to run yourself down, stop, think about the child inside you - start to love that child - to say nice positive things, - start to care for the child within you and give it all the love and feelings of safety and reassurance and encouragement that perhaps you never had but longed for. You have the chance now to care for the child within you and that will then help you to care for your adult self.
Get as much support and help for yourself as you can in your healing and recovery and don't feel that you have to cope alone.
{N.B.: The website also includes an array of support sites in the UK which have not been included in this post}
Thanks for talking about it Amastie. Amazing how we can understand this stuff...Or not...Still sorting. 
