More threads by Ashley-Kate

After 3 months of restrainning myself to not cut or burn myself the behavior has resurfaced although it is not near a bad as it once was that's how it always starts up from okay to very serious.. I am terrified because well i don't want to live like this anymor i already have so many scars on my body as it is i don't need anymore but then again i just can't stop myself it is so much beyond my control i hate it i am just so unable to control anything anymore.even my mind plays tricks on me.. but why do i need to hurt myself why does somethingso cruel and painfull bring me such plesure and reasurrance???
yours trully ashley-kate


all over again

hey hun. one thing I have learned over these years is that relapses happen. they suck, but they are almost inevitable. and I know this isn't much consolidation but you have to remember that 1st of all it is ok to relapse. it's pretty much a normal part of "getting better". and 2nd of al, just b/c you replased does not under any circumstances, devalue the effort you have put into refraining from si. you have to remember that you made it this far. we all slip up. I still do. but time will eventually increase btwn these, and if you can make it 3 months (which is a LONG time) then you can make it back to 3 months and even longer. in the end, if you can make it any "significant" amount of time w/out si then that's an accomplishment each and every time.

do you think going back to si has to do w/ your ed treatment? stress, change etc. can definately trigger si. then one good thing (it's not a good thing, but I mean the one piece of information that can help you from this) is that you said you're terrified b/c you don't want to live like this anymore. that's coming a long way from si all the time and needing to do so. you're at a point now where you know you can survive w/out it; use the coping mechanisms you have used in these 3 months to get through this. talk to your therapists/psychologists and let them know what's going on.

in a weird way, this seems like you have lost control as you said, and that's true in one aspect, but on the other hand you have also taken control by si'ing, thus maybe this is a way to take back control? but remember, that in these 3 months you were under control as well in terms of si. I know pressure builds up and it feels like you're not in control.... but that's exaxctly the vicious cycle of this. pleasure and reassurance- b/c it's something familiar. b/c you've relied on it in the past and it has gotten you through moments in the past, so it can become appealing to do so again. you're not cruel. it's only the behaviour that you need to try to replace w/ other coping mechanisms.... you've made it this far and you've worked so hard on your issues so far that I know you can make it through this too. take one day at a time.
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