Am I insane?

[marieduard]

Hi.

I'm a 22 year old female from Europe. I recently discovered this site while searching for clues in my pursuit of finding a reason for the way I've been feeling my whole life. I believe I may suffer some kind of mental disorder, not sure which. My guess is depression. I've just found about premenstrual syndrome and premenstrual dysphoric disorder, and I seem to fit all the symptoms too, but besides those critical periods.. I feel this sadness inside me I just can't explain. I'm just graduating now and I have no reasons to complain about my life. Sure, one can always find reasons... I just don't know why I despair like this and whish so deeply that the powers above take the life they've given me..

 

[David Baxter PhD]

No, not insane.

However, it is possible that you suffer from dysthymia or major depression.

 

[marieduard]

I've never been diagnosed, and I don't plan seeing a doctor.. I would just like to stop this, but sometimes it almost feels I enjoy being sad. It's a feeling that lives in me since I was a child.. sometimes it dims and almost fades away. Some other times I have these episodes.. I call them insanity episodes, although you say I'm not insane I cry and I cry and I don't know why! And I think of all those who have a million reasons to cry and I cry more, because I'm lucky to have this life.. Sometimes there's a small reason (in my sane condition I see there is NO reason!).. if a best friend doesn't pay much attention to me or other insignificant thing I just get really hurt inside and when at home, at night, I cry and lately I've been beating and scratching myself. I feel cold and a bit paranoid... and I have suicidal thoughts... Its a different me. I totally disagree on suicide and self-injury.. sometimes it feels a thousand minds live inside of me! Besides.. I usually take about 2h or more to fall asleep, a bit less if I'm really really tired, and even so... It seems my brain just doesn't chut up!! It thinks about everything, from little things of daily life to the remote events of my childhood, and so various issues as the questions of time and space, life and existence.. now, I've got to be crazy!

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Why would you choose to continue to feel so much pain and distress and sadness when it isn't necessary, Marie? What is your objection to seeing a doctor?

There is so much that could be done to help you feel better...

 

[momof5]

I agree with Doc on this one, You need to see a doctor to help you through this. I know from experience, living with a husband who says that he is depressed, but doesn't want to take any meds, but resorted back to drinking.

There is a saying that depression hurts those around you as well as yourself.

PMS isn't something that is easy to live with. lol, I say I get pre, during and post with mine!

Also graduating brings new thigns into the picture, success at life? what am I going to do now? Will life be good for me? So many thought processes that need to be dealt with.

And getting help from a doctor isn't something to be ashamed of, it is a step in making sure that you have a good future.

 

[marieduard]

Hi once more. I think some posts are missing here... (I had already posted some other replies aswell as other members).

I do agree it would be better to see a doctor. However I don't think I'm ready to tell someone in raw words exactly how I feel and the things I sometimes do or think. I only told 2 people I consider dear to me and still in a quite "poetic" fashion and only as far as.. "I feel bad sometimes.. I have trouble sleeping.. I may have some disorder". Also -> don't want family to find out (hard when you are still living with your parents)!

Well momof5, sorry about your husband I was into drinking some years ago, but I quit it, for good.

"depression hurts those around you as well as yourself " - I know.. although I believe I hide my dark side to myself alone, others do get a glimpse of my bad mood sometimes.

PMS is terrible! Can't we switch that to men? As I further analyze my "state" I see I get much worse during the PM stage.. and how worse! (adding more mental and physical issues to an already full bowl)

"Also graduating brings new thigns into the picture, success at life? what am I going to do now? Will life be good for me? So many thought processes that need to be dealt with."
Indeed.. so many questions.. so many doubts (and if I didn't have a major problem with decision making...)

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I think some posts are missing here...

Yes but it wasn't intentional. I needed to rebuild the database and for various reasons (long story, a lot of work, and a lot of frustration) in the process I lost any posts made during a 2 to 3 hour period last Sunday (the 22nd of January). With what I had to go through to get the rebuild done, believe me I had no heart for trying to go back and find the missing posts when it was finished.

My apologies for the inconvenience.

PMS is terrible! Can't we switch that to men?

Hell, no!? :-o We have enough problems getting along as it is!? ?

 

[momof5]

Hell, no! We have enough problems getting along as it is!

Such a rooster duck :hello:

 

[marieduard]

With what I had to go through to get the rebuild done, believe me I had no heart for trying to go back and find the missing posts when it was finished.

I trully understand Dr Baxter, that's all right. I was just curious about what had happend.
Besides, you don't have to apoligize at all! You already do so much for all of us!

Marie

 

[Rosa]

Just wanted to say Welcome I think the Doctor has some good advise and maybe talking to someone would help you understand yourself better and help you feel better.
Take care
Rosa