Ambivalence

[Ashley-Kate]

I want to get better yet i want to stay pure i want to stay anorexic. I want to preserve the thing that has been killing me for the last 11 years of my life. I am fighting everyday i will struggle with the me that has developped over the last 11 years i struglle to mold that "me" into a human being that wants and needs to live.. Living with the pull from the disorder is hard, yet when you give in and let it win you feel so much more depressed than if you fight and try to gain some of your life back!

i feel a connection towards this e-d i even have a hard time calling it an e-d simply because it has been me for so long..

I have started a group every monday at a hospital i was once hospitalised at as a child for my e-d it is a groupd for people aged 18 and up and it is really great to be with people that understand and feel somewhat the same things i do abotu food. i am fighting to stay on track working hard. going to the grocery store staying with familly all to not be alone with the disorder until i am ready to be!

thanks to all of you for being there for me!

ash

 

[Jazzey]

:cheerleader:Always cheering you on Ash:cheerleader:

I'm really happy that you've found group therapy. It is nice to be able to share with people who understand. I'm really happy to hear that you want to live, and that you're willing to do the work necessary to get better Ash.

 

[forgetmenot]

i am happy your family is there for you take care

 

[texasgirl]

Me, too Ash! Take care,

TG:support:

:clap:

 

[Ashley-Kate]

today i ended the therapie i had with a specialised hospital close to were i live, i have been in treatment with them off and on in the last 3 years, as a adolescent in in-patient care, in day programs and also in the adult programs. I have decided to end the treatment not really because i am cured and i will never have any problems again, but because i find that although they are very much qualified i have gotten as much as i can from that treatment program and their approche. I have realised i have spent the last 10 years of my life in and out of treatment programs and gainning knowlegde every time but never really changing, mostly because i wasn't quite ready to do so.

I am now in a better state of mind that i od want to get better but feel that i can do that without specialiste and a bunch of people on my back. I will still have weekly appointments with a psychologist and will still seek care for the damages that the eating disorder has caused on me physically but i feel that i know already enough about how to get better what to do what not to do what t oexpect and how to deal with relaspe i don'T need professionnal picking me up when i fall all the time.

I feel like i am ready to get up on my own.I have goals in my life now and i see further into the futur, the couple years i had before have grown to a couple more years planning a life and a familly. I still remain convinced that i will struggle for most of my lfie with the eating disorder thoughts maybe less then some days and it will always be my "drug of choice" when i am in a difficult time. I am eating now and i haven't purged in almost 2 months! i am happy

ash
thank you all and good luck to you!

 

[Jazzey]

I'm happy to hear that you're happy Ash. And congratulations on not purging for the past 2 months. That's great!

Sending you positive vibes and my support :support:

 

[suewatters1]

Happy to hear of your improvements :2thumbs:

Keep us posted

Sue