and again...

[Rusaalka]

perhaps it is my curse to have things fresh, analyzed and organized that made me want to post a new topic, instead of adding to the last one.
I was searching for something, when i saw the history of the searches on this, my boyfriends computer. he told me that his "porn" thing was of no preference, just for the sex, and that he never went out of his way for it. but i came across two different search paths to specific "stars". both of which look as though they spend all the money they degrade themselves for, to look as far from human as possible.
once before he argued that to see a naked woman is instinct, to have the nature-given urge to reproduce. then why is it he wants to look at the least natural thing? and why would the thought of reproduction itself make him recoil from the urge it has caused?
i felt sick to my stomach, perhaps just because i allow it to get to me. but what bothers me the most, is that he seems to have lied about this in discussions we have had before, and when i confronted him he at first ignored me, and then said it was not him who did these searches.

it would be so much better if he at least is, and was always, honest. but i feel like i cant trust him now, to tell me the truth, but i dont know if it is just paranoia. i cant tell wether the things i think are right or wrong, i battle within my own head. i cant draw the line between that which is influenced by mental instability, and what is personal opinion. this leads to guilt trips after i have gotten angry, wondering if i am too hard.

its such a life-consuming mess.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I was searching for something, when i saw the history of the searches on this, my boyfriends computer. he told me that his "porn" thing was of no preference, just for the sex, and that he never went out of his way for it. but i came across two different search paths to specific "stars". both of which look as though they spend all the money they degrade themselves for, to look as far from human as possible.

once before he argued that to see a naked woman is instinct, to have the nature-given urge to reproduce. then why is it he wants to look at the least natural thing?

To an extent, your boyfriend is correct - being interested in sex and nudity is in itself not abnormal and I would guess that many, perhaps most young men and many young women look at erotic images on the internet. However, with the advent of the internet, access to erotic and pornographic images has become all too easy, to the point where we are now seeing many more individuals with pornography "addictions" than would have been the case even 10 years ago. When does interest in erotica and pronography become problematic? (1) when it becomes compulsive, so that the individual spends more and more time searching for images and avoiding real life interests or responsibilities, or (2) when it creates a problem in one's relationships - in the latter case, it may be more a relationship problem rather than a pornography problem per se.

As to the second point, for many men (and women), what is attractive in fantasy is not necessarily the same as what would be attractive in real life - that's in part what fantasy is all about: something above (or below) and beyond real life, something the individual is curious about. I would not necessarily read a lot into the specific images he is viewing, unless they involve illegal or dangerous activities.

and why would the thought of reproduction itself make him recoil from the urge it has caused?

I'm not sure I understand this question...

i felt sick to my stomach, perhaps just because i allow it to get to me. but what bothers me the most, is that he seems to have lied about this in discussions we have had before, and when i confronted him he at first ignored me, and then said it was not him who did these searches.

it would be so much better if he at least is, and was always, honest. but i feel like i cant trust him now, to tell me the truth, but i dont know if it is just paranoia. i cant tell wether the things i think are right or wrong, i battle within my own head. i cant draw the line between that which is influenced by mental instability, and what is personal opinion. this leads to guilt trips after i have gotten angry, wondering if i am too hard.

Again, I would tend to see this as a relationship problem as well as a personal one - the intensity of your reaction is part of why he lied; the lack of trust in the relationship (probably on both sides) is another.

On the other hand, you are probably correct in wondering how much of your distrust is based on your own history and triggers as opposed to what is happening with him right now. I think you already said that you don't have access to affordable counselling but the two of you need to find ways of talking about some of these issues between you in a way that doesn't trigger defensiveness and dishonesty.

You might find these two books helpful (they may even be available in your local library):

Heitler, Susan. The Power Of Two: Secrets to a Strong and Loving Marriage. New Harbinger, 1997 (this is about communication styles and conflict resolution).

Lerner, Harriet G. The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships. HarperCollins, 1989

 

[Rusaalka]

thanks for the books, and as for the question you didnt understand- i meant, if he were to think we were going to actually reproduce, it would turn him off. the thought of making a new life makes him not want to have sex. so to me it seemed his point was irrelevant.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

i meant, if he were to think we were going to actually reproduce, it would turn him off. the thought of making a new life makes him not want to have sex. so to me it seemed his point was irrelevant.

Hmmm... Well, sex and reproduction are for many people separate issues. One might not want to have children for any number of personal reasons but that doesn't necessarily imply a lack of interest in sex - it's a different "drive", really, for most people.

It's also separate from how he feels about you, by the way. It may be that he just doesn't feel ready to have children. Or, given some of the things you've described, he may be uncertain about whether your relationship right now is strong enough or stable enough to think about having children.

 

[Rusaalka]

i dont want to have children, myself. i was simply saying that since the thought of reproduction is a turn-off for him, that saying it is natural and instinctual to want to procreate isnt much justification.

i already looked up the books on ebay, i found both of them for very cheap. i wonder if they will be of my taste, considering they are probably for women beyond their last teen year, and also it implies one is religiously inspirational, which is not exactly the kind of thing i follow. but at the price they are, i definately find them worth reading and picking out what i consider valuable information.

thanks for the help, once again.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

But what I meant was that sex is as much about recreation as procreation.

I wouldn't describe either of those books as "religiously inspirational", by the way - neither has anything to do with any religious content.

And as for age, I think you will find them useful regardless of your age - they are generally about relationships and the "Dance of Anger" about women in relationships...

 

[Rusaalka]

hmm, well i will be sure to check them out. one was advertised by the seller as "good for christians" so, i thought perhaps it had religious influence. i was going to read it anyway, but if it has nothing to do with anything but the summary of its description, it will be perfect. thank you

 

[Demonizer]

Maybe you feel he's "cheating" on you, or degrading your relationship somehow. Regardless, it's also true that he's doing something you find disgusting, and trying to justify it. It might be "normal" for him to feel the urge to watch a young woman being fornicated, and even to act on that urge, but "normal" rarely means "good". It looks as if this bothers you greatly... You're not just worrying about it, you're buying books to try to correct it. Would he be so insensitive that, if you asked him to stop watching pornography, he would refuse (or lie and say yes)? If so, there's probably more of a problem than his viewing habits.

Good thing I'm not in your place... If I were, I'd castrate him with a potato blender and force him to watch gay pornography for two hours straight. It would certainly be much cheaper than buying a pair of books that told me how to change for his sake. But that's just me.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

You make a couple of good points, Demonizer.

Many women who discover that their partners have been viewing pornography do feel betrayed, almost as if the partner had had an affair. And when I said I saw this as a relationship problem, I was also thinking of your second point: if you know something really disturbs your partner, I would think you would want to at least have some discussions about it and try to reach a comfortable middle ground.

I don't know about your remedy, though. I don't know if the name Lorena Bobbitt rings a bell but that sort of response got her in a spot of trouble a few years back...

 

[Rusaalka]

as far as i know, he hasnt watched any porn since he knew how much it bothers me. and trust me, demonizer, should he have -i would have considered your consequence.

this is all really my problem, he has been trying to deal with it and he has been doing very well. the only thing he has done that i dont approve of, within out relationship, was being lazy. not cleaning and not having a job (he doesnt have 100 dollars for his half of rent yet!). put these mere complaints pale in the shadow of the biggest issue: i'm trying to manage how i feel about his porn, even though he hasnt watched it since before we dated. it may be in his past, but hes never said he wouldnt watch it anymore. i have had him try to explain to me over and over why it is arousing. it looks like exploitation of girls dressed like barbie to me.

so, my issue is really knowing he did. it isnt as though it was so long ago, the only reason he stopped is because he was hanging out with me everyday (you know). but my issue is that he did, and recently. he told me there was no preference, that it was just to "get the ball rolling" but i found those search histories to specific girls. that hurts, it really does. especially when youre a short girl, slightly chubby, with short short hair. but i wouldnt give my shit to look like them, so trust me, thats not the problem. it does feel like betrayal though.

i know its wrong of me to be upset over something that happenned before i was around, but i cant help it, it just makes me angry and sad. this is why im trying to come to terms with it, but its hard to talk about anything with him lately when were already discussing how hes going to pay this bill. i have talked about it with him so many times. the anger and pain only goes away for a little while.

so, this is why i came here. i cant help but wonder now, if it is the situations with brandon that are really whats making me unhappy, or if i was already going to be mad at something else and he just got dragged into it..but i do feel as though it is those specific things.