and so it goes ...

[butterfly88]

I haven't been here in a while - but I'm feeling so bad that I decided to re-visit - hoping I can maybe find some peace.

I'm really messed up in the head. Far more messed up than I wanted to believe.

The basic story is this ... in 96 I met and fell for "W" an emotionally abusive man. It was a tumultuous year - back and forth - him telling me sweet things one moment/day then telling me he really didn't want to see me, I didn't belong, etc. the next moment/day then calling me a day or two later to see if I wanted to go do something together. And of course - after crying my heart out for the day(s) in between I'd say yes - because I loved him. And each time we went down that road I broke a little bit more - he broke me a little bit each time - until finally on the 5th of May 1997 I couldn't take it anymore. That's when I tried to kill myself - because it was the only way out. But I didn't want to die - I just wanted the pain to end - I wanted everything to end. But I never wanted us to end. In spite of everything - I never stopped wanting him to love me.

Fast forward to 2007 - 6 months after my relationship of 10 years ended with another guy, "W" contacted me. This was the first contact I had with him in 9 years ( spoke with him very briefly in 98). My guard was up - but not enough apparently because we fell back into where we left off all those years ago. The difference being that there was no back and forth and back and forth - just one break-down last week where he told me that he was sorry for being an a**hole and that he didn't want to hurt me - but that he didn't love me as anything more than a friend. Of course he cried and begged me to stay his friend. But I told him I couldn't have anything to do with him - and I haven't since. But my heart is completely broken.

And I've been trying to villaify him - it's really not been that difficult to do. But seeing him for what he is, is only making it harder for me to understand and accept that I let myself have feelings for him. And what I'm feeling now - how hard this is hitting me - is making me recognize that I'm far more messed up in the head than I either realized or wanted to admit. Because I KNEW he didn't "love me" - yes - the lines got blurred and he obscured reality with a lot of the things he said and did - but I CHOSE to be mislead. And I don't know why.

So the issue really is WHY do I want/need him to love me? WHY do I want/need his validation and acceptance? And WHY would I choose to try and get these things from someone who is and who's always been completely incapable of giving them to me?? I really don't know?

 

[Banned]

We all want to be loved, validated, and accepted, butterfly. That's part of what makes us human. Sometimes we get so fixated on getting it from one place that we're unable to see the multitude of other places we can go to get it. We get 'stuck' on one person, or situation, or whatever.

I think I can understand a bit of your pain, and it's interesting because these are questions I've been asking myself alot lately too.

You may feel in hindsight that you chose to be mislead, but did you really feel that way at the time, when you were in the situation? Hindsight is always 20/20, and when we look back we can often see so much that we didn't see at the time, because we were so completely immersed and entrenched in the relationship.

It sounds like you know what you want for yourself, from where you say you don't want a friendship. I think you're at the "beating myself up" stage, which is a yucky place to be. It's not really helpful in the long run.

Are there areas of support your have in your life? Groups you socialize with, activities you enjoy, etc, to help take your mind off this guy and move you past it? If the feelings get really strong, or don't start to go away, you may want to consider speaking with a therapist. There may be deeper issues at work here.

After all that, I don't really have any answers for you. But I do want you to know I'm thinking of you and to say that if you feel yourself getting severely depressed or suicidal over this, to please seek immediate help so you can move forward with healing and towards health again.

 

[Jazzey]

And I've been trying to villaify him - it's really not been that difficult to do. But seeing him for what he is, is only making it harder for me to understand and accept that I let myself have feelings for him. And what I'm feeling now - how hard this is hitting me - is making me recognize that I'm far more messed up in the head than I either realized or wanted to admit. Because I KNEW he didn't "love me" - yes - the lines got blurred and he obscured reality with a lot of the things he said and did - but I CHOSE to be mislead. And I don't know why.

I don't think that this experience means that you're messed up Butterfly. I think all of us have gone through periods in our lives where we've chosen the wrong person. Sometimes it's because we're drawn to them so much that we chose to ignore the other signals that tell us that this is the wrong person. Or, sometimes, because we convince ourselves that we can make it work, even when we know, in our heart of hearts that it just can't. But, it doesn't make you messed up - it just makes you human.

So the issue really is WHY do I want/need him to love me? WHY do I want/need his validation and acceptance? And WHY would I choose to try and get these things from someone who is and who's always been completely incapable of giving them to me?? I really don't know?

I personally think that there could be a number of reasons for this. Maybe you haven't worked through the past that you had with him. Could it be that you need him to love you now because then it may lessen some of the pain you endured back then?

Also, sometimes our insecurities get the best of us. Particularly when we're feeling a little low. If he were to love you now, it may give you a bit of a sense of control over a situation over which you had no control back in 96/97. My psychologist always talks to me about how we tend to revisit certain issues with people over and over again, thinking that 'this time' we'll change the outcome. Is it possible that this is why you let yourself develop feelings for him again? You wanted to change the history that you had back in 96/97?

Just a few thoughts about it. If you can, try to let it go - the pain and the memories associated with it. As Persona has already suggested, seek out some support for yourself, both in your friends and possibly with the help of a therapist. Let time do its thing...Distract yourself with good friends and the things that you enjoy doing. He was out of your life for 9 years. It's just unfortunate that he came back into your life. But now, you know and you can move forward in your life. :support:

 

[Lana]

So the issue really is WHY do I want/need him to love me? WHY do I want/need his validation and acceptance? And WHY would I choose to try and get these things from someone who is and who's always been completely incapable of giving them to me?? I really don't know?

Hi Butterfly, and welcome back

To add to what Persona and Jazzey have said, another way of approaching this would be to change the "why" into "what". I know it may seem odd, but...I find that "why" begs for proof or convincing...which, as you've learned over and over, doesn't always work. When asking "what", the focus shifts to the elements that add to the situation, rather then proof. It's more focused, more objective, and doesn't let you beat yourself up for being human, nor make you hateful towards the other person.

So, the questions would be:

WHAT does his love represent for me?
WHAT would his validation and acceptance mean/offer/enable/prove?
And WHAT drives me to choose to try and get these things from someone who is and who's always been completely incapable of giving them to me??

I think if you can start making a little list when answering the first two questions you've asked, you may be able to see the answer for the third.

 

[Yuray]

Will understanding all the 'why's' and 'what's' help you move forward?

 

[butterfly88]

Thanks so much guys -

Persona - Yes - I knew the entire time we were together that it was never going to work. I just tried so hard to convince myself that maybe it could - because I wanted it to so bad.

Jazzey - I think perhaps you may be right - and the reason I allowed myself to go down this road again with him is because I wanted a different outcome - a better outcome. But that's delusional thinking - because when we were alone together he was kind and affectionate (70% of the time) but in public - he treated me like a stranger (99% of the time). I would cry myself to sleep so often - telling myself I had to end it with him - but would wake up the next day desperate to talk to him.

Lana - I've been trying to think in terms of "what" - what did I get out of this relationship with him - and truth be told - the only thing I've come to is the justification that I'm just not good enough. And thats a very lonely place to be.

And Yuray - I don't know if understanding the "whys" and "whats" will help me feel better - but I do feel I need to get to some kind of understanding as to why I knowingly repeat these patterns with men who can't and won't love me. I am so filled with self-loathing and self detestation that I can't move forward - so I move backwards. That's just not healthy at all.

I was in therapy for years to resolve these issues - and thought I had until he came back into my life. And I gave him everything - and so while I do have family and friends that I am trying to engage with now to serve as distractions - everyday there is something to remind me.

And I'm not saying that it's not getting a little bit easier - it is - time does work it's magic. But I don't need magic here - I need to fix this. I need to make myself better so I don't keep doing this again and again and again ...

 

[Yuray]

Well said.