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sunset

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going on one again. I was on zoloft yrs ago and it really helped. I may want something that works well for anxiety too.

I have been very depressed and my mood swings can change drastically in a moment.. It scares me.

I know I am depressed and have all the said symptoms of it. I am feeling totally worthless, ignored, unsuccessful in anything. I dont feel like I belong in this world, nor fit in. I feel like I am just existing, sturggling every day in a job I HATE, just to barely make my bills. This is not living. Its slow torture, and for the life of me, I dont know how to make things better for myself.

I dont answer the phone when people call, because I dont want to bring anyone down before the holidays so I avoid them if possible. If I have to deal with people, I put on a fake smile, if I can even muster that at the time, and then get away asap.

I mentioned to my siste that I wasnt in the holiday mood this year, and I got the "snap out of it" line. Dont I wish I could snap out of it? Of course... Not that easy to do.

My life is not at all what I had hoped it would be. I feel like a misfit in my life, and playing a role for everyone else, that "I am fine with my lot in life"... but I am not.

No man in my life, no children and never will be now, many betrayals in my life, and am stuck in this rut we call life. THIS isnt living...Now, I worry about being homeless down the road.. Once my mother passes away, we will have to sell the mother/daughter and I honestly dont know where that puts me. I have so many things running through my mind, and none of it is good. My sister said I could always live with them, but I dont want to do that. I want my own place, and to feel good about myself..

I want to change my thinking, but I feel like someone is holding me under water and not letting me up.. It is a constant battle and sometimes its really bad, like this week. I usually love Christmas, but I am dreading it this year. I want it over and done with. I am not in the mood to be "cheery", no matter how much I want to be. I had to cut way back on gift giving due to finances and that really bothers me too. People a lot younger seem to have money at their finger tips, and I have been working since the age of 16 and have nothing to show for it.

I just hate my life.. Sorry, but I needed to vent, and I know this forum would be a safe place to do it.
 

David Baxter

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Sunset, if you're at a point where you're feeling despondent and lacking joy in your life, this is something that you should discuss with your therapist, if you have one currently, or with your doctor. There is a range of newer medications that are effective for both depression and anxiety - it should be possible for you to find one that works for you without intolerable side-effects.
 

sunset

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Thanks Dr B. My therapy starts again the first of January, and I will be talking to him about this. I am also thinking of going to my MD for medication... I have to get something that will help elevate my mood, so I can think and do something about my situation. All I want to do now, is crawl in a hole and just be left alone.
 

David Baxter

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I think many people here can relate to that feeling and the Christmas season is one that seems to accentuate it, unfortunately.

Hold on to the fact that January is not very far away now, and in the meantime I would recommend talking to your GP about starting some medication.
 

Halo

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Sunset, I can definitely relate to parts of what you posted. I wanted to let you know that you are not alone in your thinking and that I agree with David in that speaking to your therapist (when you see him again in January) and also your doctor about potentially starting medication again would be really helpful.

I know that this time of year can be especially hard for many people, myself included, but together we will get through it :grouphug:

Take care
:hug: :hug:
 

sunset

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Thanks Halo.. I am on the verge of tears and I dont know how I am going to even put on a face for Christmas. I just want to be left alone...:cry:
I also dont know how to deal with all the anger inside me, and the incredible sadness..
 
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Halo

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I know that it is hard to put that mask on Sunset especially when all you want to do is hide away from the world. :hug:

As for dealing with the anger and sadness, have you tried writing at all about what you are feeling. I know for me that just doing some free flow sort of writing usually helps to release a lot of the pent up feelings that I have inside.
 

sunset

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I can try Halo, but just reading your note and Dr B's has me in tears. I wish I was stronger than this.
 
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Halo

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Sometimes letting out your tears is being strong...trying to keep them in is too difficult. It takes a lot of strength to really let the tears flow and not to stop them as much as you want to.

I know it is difficult but let them flow Sunset...they need to come out for a reason. We all need to let them out when they are overflowing.

Take care and feel free to pm me anytime if you need me :hug: :hug:
 

lallieth

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I can try Halo, but just reading your note and Dr B's has me in tears. I wish I was stronger than this.
Hi Sunset

I use to think that being strong was the end all,and if I was just strong enough I could accomplish anything,even beat panic disorder,keep a bad marriage together etc..I watched everything crumble before me..and thought I had failed because I wasnt strong enough

Then 6 years ago I figured out that this so called strength was getting in the way of emotion..I had become TOO strong too cry...to get angry..even to love.

I was deluded into thinking that strength was the only thing I needed to get through life..I was wrong. I had to learn to lean on other's,ask for their help and support and let go of this idea that I could conquer the world..

I cry at the simplest things now...I can be free to do that.

It's fine to have an inner strength, in fact we all possess it,but don't allow it to overwhelm your life,weak isn't a bad word,it means we are human,and we all need to lean on someone else for support from time to time..
 
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braveheart

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Sometimes letting out your tears is being strong...trying to keep them in is too difficult. It takes a lot of strength to really let the tears flow and not to stop them as much as you want to.

I know it is difficult but let them flow Sunset...they need to come out for a reason. We all need to let them out when they are overflowing.

Wise words. I agree. Tears can be healing.
 
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David Baxter

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I use to think that being strong was the end all,and if I was just strong enough I could accomplish anything,even beat panic disorder,keep a bad marriage together etc..I watched everything crumble before me..and thought I had failed because I wasnt strong enough

Then 6 years ago I figured out that this so called strength was getting in the way of emotion..I had become TOO strong too cry...to get angry..even to love.

I was deluded into thinking that strength was the only thing I needed to get through life..I was wrong. I had to learn to lean on other's,ask for their help and support and let go of this idea that I could conquer the world..

I cry at the simplest things now...I can be free to do that.

It's fine to have an inner strength, in fact we all possess it,but don't allow it to overwhelm your life,weak isn't a bad word,it means we are human,and we all need to lean on someone else for support from time to time..

Wow! Great post, myst! I could not have said it better myself.
 

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