HotthenCold
Member
Hi there,
I have anger issues, and a huge trigger/source of anger, as I see it, is one of my sisters.
I have two older sisters, one of whom is a junkie and gone to the world who I have given up hope of ever seeing alive again, and the other is the one who makes me the angriest, go figure.
She has extremely distressing behaviours and attitudes towards me.
Before I go any further I should note that I have long ago given up confronting her with these kind of concerns. This is because I have tried in the past, many, many times, to confront her in the calmest and most honest way possible. This has always resulted in either verbal/emotional abuse immediately or at some time in the future. She never takes an honest account of herself when confronted about this stuff (flakiness, controlling behaviours, preachiness, selfishness) and almost always turns it around on me or becomes abusive or both.
She consistently behaves in very flaky and controlling ways towards me. She will ask me to do small favours for her that are small enough that saying no to one makes me look selfish, but are distressing because of how often she asks them of me.
She is generally very thoughtless with a lot of things pertaining to our relationship. If I say anything she usually just claims it's because she's too busy or something similar. For example, she has been telling me all week to come to her boyfriends house for brunch this sunday. She even reconfirmed yesterday. Then today no word from her telling me to come over. She hadn't given me a time to arrive, so I was expecting her to text or call and tell me when to come over. She hasn't sent word all day, as if she never invited me. I'm not surprised because I expect to be let down by her.
Another example is from when we were teenagers and lived in my parents house still. I would constantly keep finding my tooth brush in the shower after she had used it. I NEVER brushed my teeth in the shower, and she did, so I knew it was her who did it. Every time I confronted her she became abusive. Even when I told her how hurt I was that she kept on doing it after I had asked her not to, and how hurt I was that she never apologize but instead became abusive, she kept on doing it, almost more diligently as if to say "I am your older sister, you will submit to me"
It's hard to really convey how consistently controlling she is, but in small ways that are hard to detect to an outsider.
The tricky part is that in the face of all this crap, which I've long ago given up dealing with with her, we've tried to become better friends. We hang out more, and I have gone to her for help a lot in the past year because she is the only one in the family I can talk to about some things. I know I've just gone on about how terrible she is, but there is a lot of good there too, which is why I want to get past this anger toward her because I want to have a better relationship.
Since I have gone to her so much and shared my struggles with her, she know is ALWAYS giving me advice or policing what I say and filtering it through her spiritual dogma. It is has become maddening to share anything with her now, and I have stopped sharing much of significance with her because I can't stand the lecture I get. As if because I asked for help a lot of times, she is now unable to stop treating me like an ignorant, wounded animal.
There are so many aspects of her personality that drive me insane, and that I don't see going away ever, so how do I deal with the rage I feel toward her?
Any tips?
I have anger issues, and a huge trigger/source of anger, as I see it, is one of my sisters.
I have two older sisters, one of whom is a junkie and gone to the world who I have given up hope of ever seeing alive again, and the other is the one who makes me the angriest, go figure.
She has extremely distressing behaviours and attitudes towards me.
Before I go any further I should note that I have long ago given up confronting her with these kind of concerns. This is because I have tried in the past, many, many times, to confront her in the calmest and most honest way possible. This has always resulted in either verbal/emotional abuse immediately or at some time in the future. She never takes an honest account of herself when confronted about this stuff (flakiness, controlling behaviours, preachiness, selfishness) and almost always turns it around on me or becomes abusive or both.
She consistently behaves in very flaky and controlling ways towards me. She will ask me to do small favours for her that are small enough that saying no to one makes me look selfish, but are distressing because of how often she asks them of me.
She is generally very thoughtless with a lot of things pertaining to our relationship. If I say anything she usually just claims it's because she's too busy or something similar. For example, she has been telling me all week to come to her boyfriends house for brunch this sunday. She even reconfirmed yesterday. Then today no word from her telling me to come over. She hadn't given me a time to arrive, so I was expecting her to text or call and tell me when to come over. She hasn't sent word all day, as if she never invited me. I'm not surprised because I expect to be let down by her.
Another example is from when we were teenagers and lived in my parents house still. I would constantly keep finding my tooth brush in the shower after she had used it. I NEVER brushed my teeth in the shower, and she did, so I knew it was her who did it. Every time I confronted her she became abusive. Even when I told her how hurt I was that she kept on doing it after I had asked her not to, and how hurt I was that she never apologize but instead became abusive, she kept on doing it, almost more diligently as if to say "I am your older sister, you will submit to me"
It's hard to really convey how consistently controlling she is, but in small ways that are hard to detect to an outsider.
The tricky part is that in the face of all this crap, which I've long ago given up dealing with with her, we've tried to become better friends. We hang out more, and I have gone to her for help a lot in the past year because she is the only one in the family I can talk to about some things. I know I've just gone on about how terrible she is, but there is a lot of good there too, which is why I want to get past this anger toward her because I want to have a better relationship.
Since I have gone to her so much and shared my struggles with her, she know is ALWAYS giving me advice or policing what I say and filtering it through her spiritual dogma. It is has become maddening to share anything with her now, and I have stopped sharing much of significance with her because I can't stand the lecture I get. As if because I asked for help a lot of times, she is now unable to stop treating me like an ignorant, wounded animal.
There are so many aspects of her personality that drive me insane, and that I don't see going away ever, so how do I deal with the rage I feel toward her?
Any tips?
In the meantime, if you get frustrated or want something to chew over during the interim, I guess why not point you to my "absolutely must-read for everyone at some point in time" list. Which I am tired of parroting on about like a broken record, so I will go and write it in the blogs section when I have the energy over the next few days, so once I've done that I can just link there. Gosh I'm clever. 
