I am posting here because I think it's related. I believe I am beginning to become more aware through therapy. This has been a breakthrough for me. Becoming more aware, for myself, can be positive and negative. It seems like I have had anxiety my whole life without being aware of it. It affected my learning skills especially. Now, I can finally see it. I'm not all the way there yet but I am getting there.
Something happened a couple of days ago that triggered something in me. I think throughout my life I always felt like I was less than other people. If I did something well I would dumb it down to fit in (subconsciously till now). I work somewhere pretty much on contract and volunteer. The only reason I do that is because I really like the head person. I finally found someone in the more professional world whom I can relate to and be my best. My ideas are counted and they allow me to make my own decisions. The problem is, some people around the work place I think are starting to see me as the "teacher's pet" per se. Very silly because we are all adults and I am just doing what I think is ethical and right and what will improve the system.
I have no agenda. I believe when one works with people with an agenda it becomes very political. Anyway. Two comments were made to me in passing, very subtle, but affected me greatly. One of them was about the way I dressed. A personal attack which was very inappropriate. I know it was just an attack on his part. By the way, I just dress extremely casual. I never dress up. I don't believe I need to and the director has no problem with it either. Anyway, the feeling I had was that the guy was looking for something to attack me with. I know it isn't about my dressing or whatever, its about people not liking that I am not on their side. This reminded me of my school years and other work places, when I would be good at something and then bring myself back down to a lower level so I can fit in. It has taken me so long to see this and that guy's comment is not going to make me back down. I will still do everything as well as I can and if those people do not like it I need to stand my ground and not feel alone in there.
As a side note, I would never try and make someone else look bad. I beleive they might look bad by default because I am doing something for the community and I don't have a personal agenda.
My point to all this is, those comments made me think. My initial feeling was to not go back there. I then thought to myself, why shouldn't I go back when I want to help for the better. It's about what I believe in and I honestly believe that I can't let people bully me out, like in school.
Something happened a couple of days ago that triggered something in me. I think throughout my life I always felt like I was less than other people. If I did something well I would dumb it down to fit in (subconsciously till now). I work somewhere pretty much on contract and volunteer. The only reason I do that is because I really like the head person. I finally found someone in the more professional world whom I can relate to and be my best. My ideas are counted and they allow me to make my own decisions. The problem is, some people around the work place I think are starting to see me as the "teacher's pet" per se. Very silly because we are all adults and I am just doing what I think is ethical and right and what will improve the system.
I have no agenda. I believe when one works with people with an agenda it becomes very political. Anyway. Two comments were made to me in passing, very subtle, but affected me greatly. One of them was about the way I dressed. A personal attack which was very inappropriate. I know it was just an attack on his part. By the way, I just dress extremely casual. I never dress up. I don't believe I need to and the director has no problem with it either. Anyway, the feeling I had was that the guy was looking for something to attack me with. I know it isn't about my dressing or whatever, its about people not liking that I am not on their side. This reminded me of my school years and other work places, when I would be good at something and then bring myself back down to a lower level so I can fit in. It has taken me so long to see this and that guy's comment is not going to make me back down. I will still do everything as well as I can and if those people do not like it I need to stand my ground and not feel alone in there.
As a side note, I would never try and make someone else look bad. I beleive they might look bad by default because I am doing something for the community and I don't have a personal agenda.
My point to all this is, those comments made me think. My initial feeling was to not go back there. I then thought to myself, why shouldn't I go back when I want to help for the better. It's about what I believe in and I honestly believe that I can't let people bully me out, like in school.
