Bad feelings

[greenstarz]

I feel like I am just completely falling apart today. I had a big conversation with my mom this morning about how I'm going to visit my sister in TN next Saturday, and if she, my mom, should come with me. I feel like a horrible daughter for thinking she shouldn't. I hate myself so much and just want to destroy myself so bad. She's decided not to come anyway, but I feel like its my fault, and now something bad is going to happen to her and it's going to be my fault. I always think that something bad is going to happen to her if I in any way am not the perfect daughter for her and that it will be all my fault for not doing something anything everything right. I just want to injure so severely right now to disconnect myself from myself and to release all these feelings. i am so irritable right now i can't stand it. i need to do something to hurt myself in some way. i deserve to be hurt and punished. i deserve bad things to happen to me, it would make me feel netter if i felt hurt right now. i want to destroy myself so much in anyway i can. I'm so sick of living like this all the time.......i just need to escape everything. Everything is such an effort, especially today. I'm such a burden to deal with. I hate myself so much and everything about me. I feel like deep down I'm a monster and if people could really see me, they would be disgusted and sickened. I just want to run away from myself. Therapy isn't helping me, I'm sick of my pathetic life with all my fears and everything.

I don't know why I'm posting this....I'm so desperate right now. I'm so so so sorry. I just have such a desperate feeling in me.

 

[Jazzey]

Re: bad feelings

No, you don't deserve to punish yourself right now. Green, I know the feelings are hard. Just remember that they're just feelings, thoughts. That they're not true. And in the meantime, do stop something for yourself : a bath, a walk. But don't stay glued to this computer. Do something that forces you to connect to the outside world. A walk would be the best. Something that forces you to see other people. And just know that the feeling will pass.

 

[greenstarz]

Re: bad feelings

i got a hold of my little brother who I haven't seen in awhile, and we have been meaning to do something together because he is 8 years younger than me and when i was in high school I used to pick him up from school and take him to get ice cream or French fries or something after school. he was the one light in my life and we have always had a really close bond. I've always taken care of him and listened to him talk endlessly about his obsessive thoughts (he has OCD). everyone in my family would brush him off, but I always tried to be there for him. we still have a close bond. we talk about how we used to do that after school, or go to target and play the video games that were on display and stuff like that. it makes me sad because we aren't as close anymore...i don't know if it's sad, just emotional. anyway, we've been meaning to do something together again, so i called him and he's going to come over around 10 tonight and we're going to go get a smoothie from McDonald's! i am holding on to this plan so hard right now to get me through these impulses. I feel so emotional right now, so raw inside. its just out of control. my therapist would say i need to turn down the heat in the emotion oven. i don't remember how she said to do that. but thank you so much displaced, for taking the time to listen to me. i feel so guilty for being so much like how i was in my first post.

 

[Jazzey]

Re: bad feelings

I'm happy you got a hold of your brother Green. that was a good plan. And you don't need to apologize. I'm happy you're reaching out. While you're waiting for your bro, maybe a movie or music or something?

take care green.

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

Did you go for a walk? Maybe do some window shopping? Go to a pet store? Read a book? Do some relaxing breathing?

What kind of books do you like? Science Fiction or Historical Fiction, or biographies and memoires? Or are you not into books, and like the movies better?

 

[greenstarz]

I'm feeling a lot more stable and settled right now. Lat night was ery strange for me. SOmetimes I do thingsi n my sleep that I discover in the morning that are very strange. Like for some reason there was a jar of pasta sauce by my smoking area. I don't know why or how it got there... when i'm more strssed out I find more weird stuff. Anyway, I just feel more settled this morning. Thank you guys for being there. I wish I too could be a better support for peoople.

Jolly: I like reading self help books mostly but I havne;t read much in a long time. its been very hard for me to concentrate and retain whats i've read with the meds. I can never remember the paragraph I just finished. It's very frustrating.