Battling with acceptance / denial

[braveheart]

I have Complex PTSD.

Right now I am battling inside again with the 'voice' that says my traumas aren't legitimate, that I didn't suffer enough to warrant the intensity of my symptoms now. That others have suffered far more.

But, the reality is that my symptoms make total sense in the context of all the traumas and emotional neglect/deprivations that happened to me as a child and teen, from birth up.
And part of me knows that. And can accept that compassionately.
And can read Judith Herman's 'Trauma and Recovery' and nod and cry..

But there's that other voice that shoves the DSM in my face and says my traumas mean nothing.

*sigh*

I wish I could just tell this voice to shove off and leave me alone.
But its like it needs written proof that me, my illness, and my past exists/ed.

 

[Halo]

Re: battling with acceptance/denial...

the 'voice' that says my traumas aren't legitimate, that I didn't suffer enough to warrant the intensity of my symptoms now. That others have suffered far more.

I know that voice and can completely relate, just wanted you to know that you are not alone.

Lots of hugs:hug: :hug: :hug:
Take care

 

[sister-ray]

Re: battling with acceptance/denial...

I wish I could help and make it go away, sending you lots of hugs too:hug: :hug: :hug:

 

[braveheart]

Re: battling with acceptance/denial...

Thank you for understanding.

 

[Halo]

Re: battling with acceptance/denial...

Braveheart,

I understand and can relate more than you know :hug: :hug:

Take care
:hug:

 

[braveheart]

Thank you Nancy.

I want to say something, but I don't exactly know what.

I want to say how if someone in authority gave it to me in writing, that what I suffer is real and valid and makes sense in terms of my experiences... But that is unlikely to happen.

I could ask to read my medical records, but they are more than likely very vague. I know for a fact that my psychiatrist's discharge letter to my GP didn't even mention the word anxiety never mind anything more complex...

 

[Into The Light]

what if you had your therapist write something up for you in a formal format, with a date and signed etc, would that be helpful?

 

[braveheart]

Its a nice idea, lb, and its definitely something we could talk about. But its unlikely that she would do something like that for me.

 

[Halo]

Braveheart,

If you did speak to your therapiest about this and how you think that it would be helpful then I would wonder why she would decide not to write something like that. I am not thinking in terms of a huge report or anything but a one pager where she can set out what you are struggling with and how it is affecting you today.

I would just think that if "you" found that this was going to help you move forward that your therapist would be willing to do whatever she could. Maybe there are other reasons that therapists don't like to do these sorts of things but I don't know?

Again, I can relate to exactly what you are saying and feeling and want to say take care and sending you big hugs :hug: :hug:

 

[braveheart]

Thank you Nancy.

Its hard to explain. She's an excellent therapist. Her response would be that I could do it for myself, I think. That that would benefit me the most.
We could discuss together what it would contain though, and agree it together.

The part of me that feels the pain of being ignored when I was daily being assaulted from all sides in school, and then being bombarded with rejection and belitting at home from my father... and had noone notice or help to keep me safe, she needs to SEE people know and understand and believe her.

 

[Cat Dancer]

Not that it is worth much, but I validate you. I believe you and I hear your pain and my heart aches for the little girl who had no one to turn to. That is a big deal and it does explain the symptoms you have now.

:hug:

 

[braveheart]

Its worth a lot. Thank you Janet.

 

[texasgirl]

BH:

I really can relate to what you are saying and wanted to add that I understand how important external validation can be, especially in a world of trying to sort through how to emerge from all the trauma. Sending you lots of hugs too :hug: :hug: :hug:

TG

 

[braveheart]

Totally.

Thank you TG.

I was reading the online Merck manual today... interesting that it says how domestic violence is one of the main causes of childhood PTSD. In fact I could relate much more to what it was saying on the page about childhood PTSD, rather than the adult. I'm trying to make sense of what that means.

Then the Mind site is always validating and inclusive. Their leaflet on PTSD also helps.