David Baxter PhD
Late Founder
Yes, be nice about your ex-spouse with your kids
by TABATHA SOUTHEY, Globe and Mail
February 14, 2009
Some Canadians have visited a Texas facility to ?deprogram? children who have been ?alienated? from one parent by the other. ? News item
Sometimes when I'm referring back to a book that I haven't read in a while, I find one of a number of bookmarks that were once made for me.
The man who is now my ex-husband was bothered by the fact that instead of using a bookmark, I'd grab whatever was handy ? a page ripped from his current TV Guide, a phone bill, a leaf from a tree, a thinner book ? or a thicker book, which, if half-opened, works just as well, if you sort of spoon the two books together.
Also good are a tube of lip balm, a credit card or a piece of toast. Along with the bookmarks kindly printed for me, I still find these other items inside of books too.
In fact, there's a black Lanvin ballet flat stuck inside the book I'm reading right now, beside me, and like most pieces of low-heeled footwear it's doing the trick just fine.
Anyway, my husband-at-the time printed the bookmarks for me shortly after we bought our first laser printer. He printed these words over and over on a page and then cut it into strips: ?Bookmark. Instructions for use: Place in the book. Close the book.?
On the back, it said, ?D?- Loves Tabatha.? And now, whenever I stumble across one of these bookmarks (as I did this week) while looking through some half-forgotten book, standing alone in my office ? I feel absolutely nothing.
The bookmarks are a reminder, but they're a reminder like a Miami hotel wakeup call ? entirely unemotional. I'm not happy or unhappy. I'm just reminded. Because that's what the end of a relationship comes to, for both parties, much of the time.
I've shown these bookmarks to my children and we've laughed about their cuteness and I've tried to make my voice soft but not sad and told them how sweet it was of their dad to do that for me.
My eldest child ? who has never forgiven me for using a World of Warcraft CD in one of the longer books that I started reading early last year but picked up again only this year ? says, ?Dad kinda had a point about the bookmarks.?
And I've agreed and added earnestly that Dad had many a good point, and that he loves them, even though we're divorced. And they roll their eyes. I'm not sure at whom.
I show the children these bookmarks because I want them to know that they were conceived in love and born of good, romantic stock, but the truth is that I feel fake when I do it. Even though it's true. I know what I'm doing is offering them another piece of their largely absent father and that I'm doing it partly because that's what I've been told I must do.
There's no harm in this, I guess, although one strives to be genuine. But sometimes I wonder where my responsibility to ensure affection ends. At what point am I giving them this information naturally and honestly, and when am I only labouring to not be ?one of those mothers??
There has been a lot written lately about a few cases in which one parent has proved to be alienating a child from his or her other parent. This does happen and it's very sad ? another parent, a stepparent and stepgrandparents are all just more people to love your children. But we do have some well-crafted, child-centred laws around custody and access that can, with patience and common sense, right many of these wrongs.
These particular alienation cases were extreme. Mostly I think that these things, like most things, are best solved without anyone being forced to go to Texas. What these cases may do, though, is leave hovering over some sole-custodial parents something approaching libel chill ? a fear that might cow some fathers or mothers out of acting in the best interests of their children.
Some parents also wonder if, as well as providing food and clothing, meeting with teachers and overseeing medical care (all of which are a joy compared with driving them to those birthday parties routinely hosted in strip malls, during rush hour), they'll now be expected not merely to facilitate contact with the other parent, which generally benefits everyone, but to ensure the quality of that relationship. All the while documenting their efforts.
People resist having their emotions managed. And ultimately, that ? people ? is what children are.
by TABATHA SOUTHEY, Globe and Mail
February 14, 2009
Some Canadians have visited a Texas facility to ?deprogram? children who have been ?alienated? from one parent by the other. ? News item
Sometimes when I'm referring back to a book that I haven't read in a while, I find one of a number of bookmarks that were once made for me.
The man who is now my ex-husband was bothered by the fact that instead of using a bookmark, I'd grab whatever was handy ? a page ripped from his current TV Guide, a phone bill, a leaf from a tree, a thinner book ? or a thicker book, which, if half-opened, works just as well, if you sort of spoon the two books together.
Also good are a tube of lip balm, a credit card or a piece of toast. Along with the bookmarks kindly printed for me, I still find these other items inside of books too.
In fact, there's a black Lanvin ballet flat stuck inside the book I'm reading right now, beside me, and like most pieces of low-heeled footwear it's doing the trick just fine.
Anyway, my husband-at-the time printed the bookmarks for me shortly after we bought our first laser printer. He printed these words over and over on a page and then cut it into strips: ?Bookmark. Instructions for use: Place in the book. Close the book.?
On the back, it said, ?D?- Loves Tabatha.? And now, whenever I stumble across one of these bookmarks (as I did this week) while looking through some half-forgotten book, standing alone in my office ? I feel absolutely nothing.
The bookmarks are a reminder, but they're a reminder like a Miami hotel wakeup call ? entirely unemotional. I'm not happy or unhappy. I'm just reminded. Because that's what the end of a relationship comes to, for both parties, much of the time.
I've shown these bookmarks to my children and we've laughed about their cuteness and I've tried to make my voice soft but not sad and told them how sweet it was of their dad to do that for me.
My eldest child ? who has never forgiven me for using a World of Warcraft CD in one of the longer books that I started reading early last year but picked up again only this year ? says, ?Dad kinda had a point about the bookmarks.?
And I've agreed and added earnestly that Dad had many a good point, and that he loves them, even though we're divorced. And they roll their eyes. I'm not sure at whom.
I show the children these bookmarks because I want them to know that they were conceived in love and born of good, romantic stock, but the truth is that I feel fake when I do it. Even though it's true. I know what I'm doing is offering them another piece of their largely absent father and that I'm doing it partly because that's what I've been told I must do.
There's no harm in this, I guess, although one strives to be genuine. But sometimes I wonder where my responsibility to ensure affection ends. At what point am I giving them this information naturally and honestly, and when am I only labouring to not be ?one of those mothers??
There has been a lot written lately about a few cases in which one parent has proved to be alienating a child from his or her other parent. This does happen and it's very sad ? another parent, a stepparent and stepgrandparents are all just more people to love your children. But we do have some well-crafted, child-centred laws around custody and access that can, with patience and common sense, right many of these wrongs.
These particular alienation cases were extreme. Mostly I think that these things, like most things, are best solved without anyone being forced to go to Texas. What these cases may do, though, is leave hovering over some sole-custodial parents something approaching libel chill ? a fear that might cow some fathers or mothers out of acting in the best interests of their children.
Some parents also wonder if, as well as providing food and clothing, meeting with teachers and overseeing medical care (all of which are a joy compared with driving them to those birthday parties routinely hosted in strip malls, during rush hour), they'll now be expected not merely to facilitate contact with the other parent, which generally benefits everyone, but to ensure the quality of that relationship. All the while documenting their efforts.
People resist having their emotions managed. And ultimately, that ? people ? is what children are.
