Betrayal

[Lonewolf]

Ive got an arranged phone call from 'rape crisis' tomorrow and I am so scared about it! It's all I can think about!! But what makes it worse is that I am actually seeing my parents and 'him' at the weekend and I feel as if im betraying my parents by talking to the crisis people! It has also stirred up lots of childish fears and memories that im struggling to cope with! I had a nasty feeling this weekend so I have been knocking myself out with misuse of medication cos I just can't be on my own in my head! Im so frightened! Does anyone understand? I know I need to do this therapy, but is it really as petrifying as it feels for me right now?

Sorry for rambling!!

 

[rdw]

You're not betraying your parents. - you're fixing things for yourself. The truth is the truth!

 

[Retired]

I feel as if im betraying my parents by talking to the crisis people!

Why do you see looking after your own interests as a betrayal of your parents?

Were your parents implicated in the rape? Did they somehow fail to validate your feelings following the incident?

Have your parents given you any indication they would view your calling the crisis center as anything but a positive step?

In any case, you are an independent adult, looking after your own mental health care needs, and you owe nothing to your parents nor to anyone else. The only person you owe anything to is yourself, and you are making the courageous step to regain control of your life.

 

[Lonewolf]

my parents don't know about the therapy and im not going to tell them about it! They never wanted to believe me that the abuse ever happened!! I think that they would be extremely angry if they found out I was even using this forum, let alone talking to a therapist!!

 

[Retired]

Are you presently dependent on your parents? Do you live with your parents or are you living on your own?

 

[Lonewolf]

Ive lived on my own since I was 15 years old, when it all came out!!

 

[Retired]

Ive lived on my own since I was 15 years old....................my parents don't know about the therapy and im not going to tell them about it! They never wanted to believe me that the abuse ever happened!! I think that they would be extremely angry if they found out I was even using this forum, let alone talking to a therapist!

Why is it a concern for you what your parents may or may not think.....in other words, what difference does it make?

Do your parents have any kind of control over the choices you make?

Repeating my previous question, are you dependent on your parents in any way?

 

[Lonewolf]

I have spent many years trying to make up for the grief and pain they went through, when I spoke out about what was happening to my sister and me! They disowned me for about 5 years, but ive finally managed to get them back into my life even though its very one sided and im not allowed to discuss my life if they are not involved in it!! I am able to cut off my emotions while in their company, but it all rushes back to me when im back in my own home!! It very painful! It may seem totally stupid, but I feel like I owe them!! I love my mum to bits even after all of the rubbish and I seem to have the need to make it up to her!! Im hoping that the therapy will help me deal with what I went through and to help me sort through it!! I feel such immense guilt for what they were put through, but I also feel tremendous hurt and anger for the way I was treated! so im pretty consumed by it all!! So no, im not dependant on them, Im just trying to make up for the past!!

---------- Post Merged at 06:58 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 06:36 PM ----------

im so confused about many conflicting thoughts and feelings!!

 

[Budoaiki]

Thereeper,

In my experience dealing with childhood issues such as this can extremely difficult for a variety of reasons. One of the most complicated parts I found being how we feel towards family who are unable or unwilling to acknowledge events and or feelings.*

There are undoubtedly good memories and interactions with them that you love and cherish just as there may be things you love and cherish about them.*

I think this can causes a lot of misplaced guilt because on the one hand you love them but not how they treated you or how they ignored your feelings and or how they chose to deal with things.

I think part of the reason this is or can be so hard is on the one hand you love them but on the other there is the anger inspired by their actions. The love you have for them doesn't mean you have to do as they say and in their own misguided way they may be trying to help but that doesn't make your feelings any less important.

I guess what I am trying to say is your love for them might be something they try to use for leverage to get you to comply with their way of dealing or not dealing with the issue. And or your love for them might make you feel going against their wishes is somehow a betrayal of those feelings of love and respect which in my opinion it is not.

I think differentiating between how you feel about them vs their actions can not only help with any misplaced guilt but it could also prove invaluable on your path to healing.

 

[rdw]

From the outside looking in, my thoughts are that the first obligation you have is to heal yourself. It really is the way to help you live the life you should be living.

 

[MHealthJo]

Thinking of you Reeper....

As others have said, I really believe your focus now must be to tell the full truth to caring, informed, trained people that can help you sort through things, and get you into a stronger frame of mind. (And of course talk here as well; we can help you by caring, listening anytime you want, and encouraging you to stay on track with the great decisions you have made, to try to help yourself.)

It is so hard and confusing.... But try to tell yourself to think of it in this way:

The way you have tried to deal with everything in the past, complying with the whole 'parents' thing, has not worked. It is untenable and cannot continue. It puts you in intolerable suffering and, indeed, danger.

Even complying fully with what your parents want, has not made them be loving or kind towards you. Even abusing yourself and your feelings by making them have zero importance, gets you almost nothing from your mum.

It is like you must treat yourself like absolute dirt and live a life of incredible suffering, and your 'reward' for this is a few 'crumbs' of basically, 'only just tolerating you'. And you still certainly are not allowed to be yourself or have feelings.

It is not a relationship. It is certainly not love.

In reality, what we 'owe' to our family is to live a life that seems truly responsible, right, and healthy - to work towards health and reasonableness.

Whatever strange ways a family member may think...... we must remember that their way of pushing down the needs of someone, denying their basic rights and safety and wellbeing, favouring one person at the huge expense of another, is not healthy and does not create health or happiness in the people doing that.

It also causes, and will cause, many more problems AROUND the core situation - whether people are willing to be honest and acknowledge these problems, or not.

You give them nothing by complying with sickness and twistedness. Nothing.

Try to think of it like this: Everybody in the situation is a staff member of a dodgy old Russian nuclear power plant....

There is a boss who doesn't want to accept that there is a safety problem and there is a person working there who neglects aspects of safety; and actively puts others in danger.

The boss just wants to be in denial and for everything to stay the same.

If you finally decided: "This is unsafe. People are already feeling the effects of the unsafe practices. It is not fair, and I will no longer comply with it or make it easier.... and I am not prepared to act like it didn't happen or to treat my own wellbeing, safety, rights, or that of other people affected, as nothing......"

Are you really taking anything away from anyone who stays there?

Especially the person who is fine with things staying unsafe and bad for people? The person who rejected you, cast you off as nothing, and treated you terribly, for simply wanting basic safety in the environment?

In reality, you are offering something better to everyone who is there. The possibility of hope, safety, and fairness, by your actions.

You are simply standing for the value of truth and a safe environment - something that anyone in their right mind should also stand for.

If they don't believe in those positive things, then it is THEY who have taken something from themselves or damaged THEMSELVES - they themselves have done it, at some point in their life, by choosing something sick.

It is not you who has done anything negative to them.

One day the place is going to go up in a fireball, or spew radioactivity everywhere, or both, and in the meantime, already damage has happened.

Even many, many uninvolved people around the 'sick' people, will suffer from the sick system that is going on.

If you do not want to be part of something like this, then you are doing something GOOD - not something bad - even if there are some twisted people involved who can not or will not see it that way.

xx

 

[Lonewolf]

I feel so vulnerable right now!!!

 

[MHealthJo]

Stay far away from that dangerous, poisonous Chernobyl, Reeper, and you will be safe.

Try to consider a new belief:

That you are not worthless or nobody, and that your worth or identity or security have absolutely nothing to do with them or how they view you or treat you, and does not depend the slightest bit on having them in your life.......

Disconnect the idea of Mum from Safety, Security, Feeling Good......

You are already halfway there, as experience has taught you that your mum does not mean any of those things.... and you are taking the right steps to help you see this more fully, and find where safety and security and better feelings can actually be found.

xox.