I submitted a long post about my boyfriend a few months ago, describing the troubles we had been having. It's in the Relationships forum, titled http://forum.psychlinks.ca/relationships/17300-trying-to-help-boyfriend-advice-needed.html This is even longer. I understand if no one could be bothered to read it, more than anything I just need to get it out.
I have since seen three different psychologists, who have all told me that I am in an emotionally abusive relationship, and that I'm a rescuer. I broke up with him about month ago after one particular session with my psychologist. Until two weeks ago I was fine, but then I missed him and called him. He told me he was glad I called, that he didn't know how much space to give me and whether he could call or not. He invited me over to 'hang out', said he just wanted to spend time with me. He told me he went to see a new psychologist, who had been his personal friend for 15 years. She thought he was Bipolar, having known him for so long and seen his moods go up and down.
The next four nights in a row he invited me round and I stayed the night. We were just comforting each other, because we were both so attached. There were no issues until the fourth night, when he brought up the subject of whether or not we were back together. I explained to him that although I had come over a lot lately, I didn't want to get back into the fully-fledged relationship so quickly. He seemed shocked. I apologised for misleading him - explaining that I didn't think he would assume that we were back together, that we'd have to talk about it 1st because of the reason we broke up in the first place. I was hurt so severely throughout the entire relationship that it would be self-destructive to give him that power over me again. But I guess I already had by being there.
I had explained to him earlier that night that while reading up on bipolar, everything I read resounded in my mind with his behaviour. Also though, whilst reading there were one or two things that I started to recognise in myself. I was just talking about this because it was on my mind. [And funnily enough, upon later expressing these concerns to my psychologist she said that my descriptions of my behaviour were within the normal range, and that it was common for people who are in abusive relationships to begin second guessing their sanity.] So when I told him later on that we were not, in fact, back together, he suddenly brought that up. And started to question my sanity and used what I'd said against me.
He started to be extremely condescending, treating me as if he was teaching me or something. He explained that he thought I was projecting all that was really wrong with me onto him. If you read my previous post, which details some of the situations in which he has displayed his anger and mood swings, you might understand how hard a found this to swallow. He told me that he thought I was doing it because I'd been abused as a child, and 'for what ever reason you have cut yourself in the past'. I found this so offensive. After he has admitted his faults and anger problems, etc., and promised to try and change, he goes a step further than he ever has and actually tells me its all me. Like I've imagined all his rantings and rages. I just sat there and took it this time. I barely cried. I listened to everything he had to say, but I was finally analysing it instead of just taking it on and getting hurt by it. In relation to his reaction, he asked me to "find one person in the world who would not want to stab or choke you for saying what you've said to me tonight". He thought that he was justified in saying that, and his reaction, because I had unintentionally mislead him into thinking we were back together.
I eventually (3 am) asked him if he would take me home. He told me no its too late, we'd just go to sleep. I said that was fine. But after him saying a few more times 'just one more thing' I expressed how tired I was of this and everything I had to do tomorrow. He gave me a piercing look and asked 'do you want me to call you a taxi?' I just couldn't handle him anymore. He's so hard to interpret. I got up, got dressed, got all my stuff together... all the while he was talking at me, telling me everything that was wrong with me. I didn't say a word, and he just kept going like he always did. I left through the front door and he called out after me "you're just like me".
I make it almost two blocks before I hear someone racing up behind me. He runs in front of me, panting, saying "this is stupid, this is stupid". I keep walking and he keeps trying to get me to come back to his place. I realise he's sent me a message on my phone saying "you're being stupid, come back". I ignore him until he says "I'm sorry, I'm being an asshole, just come back and we'll go to sleep, it's too cold and too late". I come back and he cries a lot on the way, and next to me in bed. We eventually go to sleep. I leave in the morning.
A few days later he called me and apologized for that night. Then he asked if I could come over after work on Sunday so that we could talk. I said yes. I finished work early on Sunday and called him to let him know I was free and could come over. He told me it didn’t matter anymore because I was feeling sick and I should just go home. I said that I would rather just get it over and done with it now so I didn’t have to think about it all week. He kept saying it didn’t matter. I got angry and said “yeah, that doesn’t actually work for me so I’ll be there in 5 minutes” and hung up. I decided that I was calling the shots, and that he wasn’t going to (whether intentionally and unintentionally) emotionally manipulate me anymore.
When I got there he buzzed me in. We stood in the kitchen and I asked him what he had wanted to say before he decided it “didn’t matter” anymore. He told me again it didn’t matter. When I asked why he said because he wanted to help me but I wasn’t going to listen anyway. From there on I questioned and analysed every little thing he said like he usually did to me. I tried to act like he usually does when he rants. I was extremely surprised how easy it was, because of the build up of frustration and hurt that had accumulated over his mood swings throughout our relationship. I told him every bad thought that I’d ever had about him. That I couldn’t believe I had been so stupid as to ignore all of the people around me who were extremely concerned about my well being and depression since I’d met him, about the numerous times I’d been so hurt and gone back and forgiven him anyway, about my change in personality from being outgoing to being introverted and timid. He was so condescending towards me, saying “okay… that’s right let it out… it’s okay…” as if he was somehow teaching or helping me or doing me some favor by listening.
At one point I mentioned the inappropriateness of his statement the other night – he asked me to “find one person who would not want to stab you or choke you for saying what you’ve said to me tonight”. His response to my mentioning this and asking him if he had “any idea how it feels to have someone say that to you”, was this: looking thoughtful for a second, eyes to the side, and then saying “yeah, maybe I was being a little bit unfair”.
This fuelled my anger even more and I became even more intent on picking out all his little illogicalities and bringing them to his attention. I wanted him to feel something. To show me in his actions and words that he understands, and not to just act as if I’m the one who has issues and to simply condescend towards me. I interrupted his little expressions of perhaps being in the wrong in situations such as that with things like a very sarcastic “do you think so? Do you think that maybe that was a little bit inappropriate, to practically threaten my life, or suggest that I should be killed for telling you I didn’t want to get back together with you?”
I yelled and screamed and swore more than I ever have before. I had no idea I had it in me, to stand there and treat him like that. But that is the extent to which he has affected me, and I wanted to make that known to him. I told him that I thought he was actually just a bad person, who intentionally hurt me, and liked to play games. I told him I couldn’t believe I didn’t realize he was like that, especially considering the fact that he reads books by Alistair Crowley that are partly about manipulation. He thought that was absolutely hilarious. I mocked his laughter, laughing out loud with him. “Oh everything is so funny. Hahaha! Everything I say is so ridiculous. What’s so funny?” to which he laughed further and responded, “oh, I know you know everything, but it has nothing to do with manipulation”. I asked him what it was about then, to which he replied “it is about getting reality to conform to your will”. This was, understandably, a moment of great realization for me, I mocked him back, and explained as if he were a child that what he said more or less means the same thing. He shook his head and laughed. I told him I thought that he tried to blame everything on me the other night because he has just been told he probably has bipolar, by a good friend and psychologist who’s seen him go up and down for 15 years, and he is using me as a scapegoat.
Things continued on in this fashion, until eventually he started to become affected. He said “I’m beginning to get a taste for it now” and I asked him what he meant. He explained, “I’m beginning to understand what you mean when you say that I can’t look at you right” meaning that the way I was looking at him (extremely aggressively, ranting and directing my anger towards him) was the way that I had tried to explain to him so many times that he looked at me, and why it hurt and bothered me so much. At this expression of some willingness to understand, I stopped being so angry and began to cry. I was very emotional, telling him exactly how much he has hurt me. How he cuts off emotion from me when we fight, how he has not even a flicker of sympathy for me when I express hurt or cry while he’s yelling at me, how he becomes inhuman. How time after time he has ripped my heart apart, how much pain I’ve been through for him, how many people’s advice I have ignored, how many times I have forgiven him and come running back to look after him and listen to his apologies and cuddle him while he cries, and believe his promises. And about how it just happens again, and I sit there and take it. And round and round it goes. And how the worst thing is that even now, when I’ve realized all of this and am standing here yelling at him and telling him how much it hurts, I still need him. He seemed to soften at this point and cuddled me. We lay down on the couch and cried and fell asleep for a couple of hours. I apologized for my anger and took back saying I wished I had never met him. I told him I knew he was inherently a good person and that I know he’s just got a mental illness. I left.
At first I feel like I took my power back, and that's great. But now I am in a mess. So stressed out, having anxiety attacks, questioning my sanity, worrying about him and whether or not he's going to kill himself, wondering whether it's all in my head... and at the same time I'm trying to work 30 hours a week and attend uni full time.
I just need anything. advice, a hug, a blank msg so i know someone read this. I feel lost and alone. All I want to do is go over to his place and fall asleep in his arms. Why do I still want him after I've been through all this, and know how unhappy I am when I'm with him? Maybe I'm the crazy one?
I have since seen three different psychologists, who have all told me that I am in an emotionally abusive relationship, and that I'm a rescuer. I broke up with him about month ago after one particular session with my psychologist. Until two weeks ago I was fine, but then I missed him and called him. He told me he was glad I called, that he didn't know how much space to give me and whether he could call or not. He invited me over to 'hang out', said he just wanted to spend time with me. He told me he went to see a new psychologist, who had been his personal friend for 15 years. She thought he was Bipolar, having known him for so long and seen his moods go up and down.
The next four nights in a row he invited me round and I stayed the night. We were just comforting each other, because we were both so attached. There were no issues until the fourth night, when he brought up the subject of whether or not we were back together. I explained to him that although I had come over a lot lately, I didn't want to get back into the fully-fledged relationship so quickly. He seemed shocked. I apologised for misleading him - explaining that I didn't think he would assume that we were back together, that we'd have to talk about it 1st because of the reason we broke up in the first place. I was hurt so severely throughout the entire relationship that it would be self-destructive to give him that power over me again. But I guess I already had by being there.
I had explained to him earlier that night that while reading up on bipolar, everything I read resounded in my mind with his behaviour. Also though, whilst reading there were one or two things that I started to recognise in myself. I was just talking about this because it was on my mind. [And funnily enough, upon later expressing these concerns to my psychologist she said that my descriptions of my behaviour were within the normal range, and that it was common for people who are in abusive relationships to begin second guessing their sanity.] So when I told him later on that we were not, in fact, back together, he suddenly brought that up. And started to question my sanity and used what I'd said against me.
He started to be extremely condescending, treating me as if he was teaching me or something. He explained that he thought I was projecting all that was really wrong with me onto him. If you read my previous post, which details some of the situations in which he has displayed his anger and mood swings, you might understand how hard a found this to swallow. He told me that he thought I was doing it because I'd been abused as a child, and 'for what ever reason you have cut yourself in the past'. I found this so offensive. After he has admitted his faults and anger problems, etc., and promised to try and change, he goes a step further than he ever has and actually tells me its all me. Like I've imagined all his rantings and rages. I just sat there and took it this time. I barely cried. I listened to everything he had to say, but I was finally analysing it instead of just taking it on and getting hurt by it. In relation to his reaction, he asked me to "find one person in the world who would not want to stab or choke you for saying what you've said to me tonight". He thought that he was justified in saying that, and his reaction, because I had unintentionally mislead him into thinking we were back together.
I eventually (3 am) asked him if he would take me home. He told me no its too late, we'd just go to sleep. I said that was fine. But after him saying a few more times 'just one more thing' I expressed how tired I was of this and everything I had to do tomorrow. He gave me a piercing look and asked 'do you want me to call you a taxi?' I just couldn't handle him anymore. He's so hard to interpret. I got up, got dressed, got all my stuff together... all the while he was talking at me, telling me everything that was wrong with me. I didn't say a word, and he just kept going like he always did. I left through the front door and he called out after me "you're just like me".
I make it almost two blocks before I hear someone racing up behind me. He runs in front of me, panting, saying "this is stupid, this is stupid". I keep walking and he keeps trying to get me to come back to his place. I realise he's sent me a message on my phone saying "you're being stupid, come back". I ignore him until he says "I'm sorry, I'm being an asshole, just come back and we'll go to sleep, it's too cold and too late". I come back and he cries a lot on the way, and next to me in bed. We eventually go to sleep. I leave in the morning.
A few days later he called me and apologized for that night. Then he asked if I could come over after work on Sunday so that we could talk. I said yes. I finished work early on Sunday and called him to let him know I was free and could come over. He told me it didn’t matter anymore because I was feeling sick and I should just go home. I said that I would rather just get it over and done with it now so I didn’t have to think about it all week. He kept saying it didn’t matter. I got angry and said “yeah, that doesn’t actually work for me so I’ll be there in 5 minutes” and hung up. I decided that I was calling the shots, and that he wasn’t going to (whether intentionally and unintentionally) emotionally manipulate me anymore.
When I got there he buzzed me in. We stood in the kitchen and I asked him what he had wanted to say before he decided it “didn’t matter” anymore. He told me again it didn’t matter. When I asked why he said because he wanted to help me but I wasn’t going to listen anyway. From there on I questioned and analysed every little thing he said like he usually did to me. I tried to act like he usually does when he rants. I was extremely surprised how easy it was, because of the build up of frustration and hurt that had accumulated over his mood swings throughout our relationship. I told him every bad thought that I’d ever had about him. That I couldn’t believe I had been so stupid as to ignore all of the people around me who were extremely concerned about my well being and depression since I’d met him, about the numerous times I’d been so hurt and gone back and forgiven him anyway, about my change in personality from being outgoing to being introverted and timid. He was so condescending towards me, saying “okay… that’s right let it out… it’s okay…” as if he was somehow teaching or helping me or doing me some favor by listening.
At one point I mentioned the inappropriateness of his statement the other night – he asked me to “find one person who would not want to stab you or choke you for saying what you’ve said to me tonight”. His response to my mentioning this and asking him if he had “any idea how it feels to have someone say that to you”, was this: looking thoughtful for a second, eyes to the side, and then saying “yeah, maybe I was being a little bit unfair”.
This fuelled my anger even more and I became even more intent on picking out all his little illogicalities and bringing them to his attention. I wanted him to feel something. To show me in his actions and words that he understands, and not to just act as if I’m the one who has issues and to simply condescend towards me. I interrupted his little expressions of perhaps being in the wrong in situations such as that with things like a very sarcastic “do you think so? Do you think that maybe that was a little bit inappropriate, to practically threaten my life, or suggest that I should be killed for telling you I didn’t want to get back together with you?”
I yelled and screamed and swore more than I ever have before. I had no idea I had it in me, to stand there and treat him like that. But that is the extent to which he has affected me, and I wanted to make that known to him. I told him that I thought he was actually just a bad person, who intentionally hurt me, and liked to play games. I told him I couldn’t believe I didn’t realize he was like that, especially considering the fact that he reads books by Alistair Crowley that are partly about manipulation. He thought that was absolutely hilarious. I mocked his laughter, laughing out loud with him. “Oh everything is so funny. Hahaha! Everything I say is so ridiculous. What’s so funny?” to which he laughed further and responded, “oh, I know you know everything, but it has nothing to do with manipulation”. I asked him what it was about then, to which he replied “it is about getting reality to conform to your will”. This was, understandably, a moment of great realization for me, I mocked him back, and explained as if he were a child that what he said more or less means the same thing. He shook his head and laughed. I told him I thought that he tried to blame everything on me the other night because he has just been told he probably has bipolar, by a good friend and psychologist who’s seen him go up and down for 15 years, and he is using me as a scapegoat.
Things continued on in this fashion, until eventually he started to become affected. He said “I’m beginning to get a taste for it now” and I asked him what he meant. He explained, “I’m beginning to understand what you mean when you say that I can’t look at you right” meaning that the way I was looking at him (extremely aggressively, ranting and directing my anger towards him) was the way that I had tried to explain to him so many times that he looked at me, and why it hurt and bothered me so much. At this expression of some willingness to understand, I stopped being so angry and began to cry. I was very emotional, telling him exactly how much he has hurt me. How he cuts off emotion from me when we fight, how he has not even a flicker of sympathy for me when I express hurt or cry while he’s yelling at me, how he becomes inhuman. How time after time he has ripped my heart apart, how much pain I’ve been through for him, how many people’s advice I have ignored, how many times I have forgiven him and come running back to look after him and listen to his apologies and cuddle him while he cries, and believe his promises. And about how it just happens again, and I sit there and take it. And round and round it goes. And how the worst thing is that even now, when I’ve realized all of this and am standing here yelling at him and telling him how much it hurts, I still need him. He seemed to soften at this point and cuddled me. We lay down on the couch and cried and fell asleep for a couple of hours. I apologized for my anger and took back saying I wished I had never met him. I told him I knew he was inherently a good person and that I know he’s just got a mental illness. I left.
At first I feel like I took my power back, and that's great. But now I am in a mess. So stressed out, having anxiety attacks, questioning my sanity, worrying about him and whether or not he's going to kill himself, wondering whether it's all in my head... and at the same time I'm trying to work 30 hours a week and attend uni full time.
I just need anything. advice, a hug, a blank msg so i know someone read this. I feel lost and alone. All I want to do is go over to his place and fall asleep in his arms. Why do I still want him after I've been through all this, and know how unhappy I am when I'm with him? Maybe I'm the crazy one?
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