greenstarz
Member
I;m sorry i keep posting so mcuh, i just have a lot of questions and thoguhts going through my head. I know ive posted a lot, i apologize.
I was dxed wth bipolar disorder, borderline personality and social anxiety disorder when I was like 19 or 20, and later with ptsd. i have a pretty easy time accepting the borderline and ptsd but ive always questioned the bipolar and now im questiooning the social anxiety disorder too. i guess the only "manic" times i REMEMBER are from early on. thats another thing, my whole life memory is really bad. i get like flashes of memories from childhood and from my teenage years. nothing really substancial or meaty as far as remembering those times of my life, but enough t o know cetian things. most of those memories are really bad ones too but there are some that are i guess you would say normal. however, from the last 10 years my memories are STILL not really concrete. I was hospitalized over 25 times during the past 10 years, and a lot of other things went with it, but it iis still really hazy as far as memories go. i cant even remember what i did yesterday or earlier in the day most of the time. i dont know whats wrong with me. i understand not remembering childhood, but as an adult i should be able to reemember things, u know?
anyway, back to bipolar... what "manic" things i DO remember are a few things, like there was a time i thought i was the second coming of Christ...that I fit all those attrubutes that the Bible talks about, and that I was so unique, that I was him. another time i spent over $200 on shampoo and chewing gum to donate to the state mental hospital that i had just been discharged from, antoher time i spent $900 on dishes. one time i cleaned out my moms basement (whhiich was piled top to bottom with 20 years of crap, and i did it in a day and a half without resting and then proceeded to have a garage sale the next day, but thats all i really remember, i dont know if those are really manic though. sometimes my thoughts race so fast and are so loud that they just come tumbling out of my mouth and i start just talking tomyself and talking back adn forth to myself like im having a conversation with myself, but i get those racing thoughts when im really depressed too. i dont know what else. but my point is that none of that has happened in so long and im wondering if it was something else and not mania. ive always had a hard time accepting the bipolar dx. once when i was hospitalized i remember telling the psychiatrist about how i like become a boy almost like i had said in another post, and he dced me with schizoeffective disorder. i never believed that was true though. ive also been dxed with somekinf of disassociative disorder but i dont remember what it was called. but the psychologist that made that dx freaked me out big time, so i never went back and never told any of my other professionals that she had said that dx.. also. when i was in the state hospital. the psychiatist said i mainly was dealing wtih borderline and he had run a borderline clinic at his previous job so he knew what he was tlaking about. he said i should have never been taken to the state hospital because of that dx, but i wouldnt sign the admission paoers at the local psych hospital. i never rememeber being asked to sign myself in though, but i had just taken a big OD of klonopin so maybe i dont remember..
back to the bipolar though. i KNOW ive been extremely depressed--i don;t question that, but i seemed to be like that all the time. however, at times its much more severe. so i don't know if i really believe the bipolar dx and im afraid to talk to the psychiatrist about it becasue im on disability and i believe its based on the bipolar. i cant loose my disability at this point in my life. i would be homeless, i just cant handle working right now, let alone leaving my home other then going to therapy and to buy some grocieries.
another thing i quwstion is the soical anxiety disorder becasue i think i just really dont trust people and thats why i fear having people in my life and being in social situations. i dont know if its social anxiety disotder though, i just also get sick of people sometimes and disgusted with being around them. i have huge issues with proxcimity of other people. i can not handle touch from another people, it even makes me cringe when my skin touches another part of my skin. but i dont think any of that is social phbia. overall my point is that im really confused about myself and i feel like i want to just start over with new people sometimes and see if they can figure out whats wrong wtih me. if i wasnt soooo attached to my therapist i would do that i think.
does anyone have any insight or anythihing at all that could help me? sorry to write so much
I was dxed wth bipolar disorder, borderline personality and social anxiety disorder when I was like 19 or 20, and later with ptsd. i have a pretty easy time accepting the borderline and ptsd but ive always questioned the bipolar and now im questiooning the social anxiety disorder too. i guess the only "manic" times i REMEMBER are from early on. thats another thing, my whole life memory is really bad. i get like flashes of memories from childhood and from my teenage years. nothing really substancial or meaty as far as remembering those times of my life, but enough t o know cetian things. most of those memories are really bad ones too but there are some that are i guess you would say normal. however, from the last 10 years my memories are STILL not really concrete. I was hospitalized over 25 times during the past 10 years, and a lot of other things went with it, but it iis still really hazy as far as memories go. i cant even remember what i did yesterday or earlier in the day most of the time. i dont know whats wrong with me. i understand not remembering childhood, but as an adult i should be able to reemember things, u know?
anyway, back to bipolar... what "manic" things i DO remember are a few things, like there was a time i thought i was the second coming of Christ...that I fit all those attrubutes that the Bible talks about, and that I was so unique, that I was him. another time i spent over $200 on shampoo and chewing gum to donate to the state mental hospital that i had just been discharged from, antoher time i spent $900 on dishes. one time i cleaned out my moms basement (whhiich was piled top to bottom with 20 years of crap, and i did it in a day and a half without resting and then proceeded to have a garage sale the next day, but thats all i really remember, i dont know if those are really manic though. sometimes my thoughts race so fast and are so loud that they just come tumbling out of my mouth and i start just talking tomyself and talking back adn forth to myself like im having a conversation with myself, but i get those racing thoughts when im really depressed too. i dont know what else. but my point is that none of that has happened in so long and im wondering if it was something else and not mania. ive always had a hard time accepting the bipolar dx. once when i was hospitalized i remember telling the psychiatrist about how i like become a boy almost like i had said in another post, and he dced me with schizoeffective disorder. i never believed that was true though. ive also been dxed with somekinf of disassociative disorder but i dont remember what it was called. but the psychologist that made that dx freaked me out big time, so i never went back and never told any of my other professionals that she had said that dx.. also. when i was in the state hospital. the psychiatist said i mainly was dealing wtih borderline and he had run a borderline clinic at his previous job so he knew what he was tlaking about. he said i should have never been taken to the state hospital because of that dx, but i wouldnt sign the admission paoers at the local psych hospital. i never rememeber being asked to sign myself in though, but i had just taken a big OD of klonopin so maybe i dont remember..
back to the bipolar though. i KNOW ive been extremely depressed--i don;t question that, but i seemed to be like that all the time. however, at times its much more severe. so i don't know if i really believe the bipolar dx and im afraid to talk to the psychiatrist about it becasue im on disability and i believe its based on the bipolar. i cant loose my disability at this point in my life. i would be homeless, i just cant handle working right now, let alone leaving my home other then going to therapy and to buy some grocieries.
another thing i quwstion is the soical anxiety disorder becasue i think i just really dont trust people and thats why i fear having people in my life and being in social situations. i dont know if its social anxiety disotder though, i just also get sick of people sometimes and disgusted with being around them. i have huge issues with proxcimity of other people. i can not handle touch from another people, it even makes me cringe when my skin touches another part of my skin. but i dont think any of that is social phbia. overall my point is that im really confused about myself and i feel like i want to just start over with new people sometimes and see if they can figure out whats wrong wtih me. if i wasnt soooo attached to my therapist i would do that i think.
does anyone have any insight or anythihing at all that could help me? sorry to write so much
