Bitter and bipolar, post-traumatic

[turtle-under-rock]

I'm not sure but I don't think I've done this before.. I've posted twice since I joined and I was pretty bitter then but not really aware of it in that way, I think I may have annoyed Dr. Baxter, I think I remember he got pretty blunt with me, which hurt, but I realize where it came from, now...

Anyways, I may be slightly more aware of myself now, but it doesn't really seem to matter.. I'm not doing well and even though I am in the "Mental Health System" in California (actually - now it makes more sense - of course the California mental health system is over-loaded!..) I am not really receiving any help. There is no one for me to tell when I am not doing well, who won't just tell me that I "look like I am doing fine," or that I don't really need help, which is absolutely not true, but when I get to that point and am feeling aware of my need for understanding i am usually too bitter and angry to be able to communicate safely.. anyway, maybe this should be a separate thread..

Umm, I'm trying to keep myself from wandering, since I have a lot to discuss with anyone that's actually listening, but I have to say that all the feel good stuff that goes on on this site is not the kind of thing that appeals to me, no offense to those it actually helps.. Where self-esteem is concerned I guess I prefer to get it from myself or people who actually know me, otherwise it irritates me as something that feels false.. maybe I am outgrowing that though..

I was trying to get to the point... I am diagnosed Bipolar II (more depressive) and have been corroborated by a psychologist as being post-traumatic, which is possibly my bigger problem. Depression sucks, but not being able to communicate especially when I most need to in order to feel safe is a far bigger problem. I live in a co-op (co-operative housing) with currently twenty other people (two houses - one kitchen!..) and despite how well this situation would/ ought to fit my personality (I love to commit extra energy to the space I live in, I have a strong awareness of how the space around me affects me subconsciously, and I love to give selflessly to a shared space) I have horrible personal dynamics and I don't operate well with mixed messages, which people in their earlier twenties seem to give a lot of.. (I'm twenty-nine). I love my co-op, despite it's griminess and the lack of communication that seems to have become norm somehow, but I have sort of come to the conclusion that I've gotten what i can get out of it, and I can only have healthy boundaries if I leave, because I don't have any way to communicate through my bitterness and explain to my housemates what my needs are, and how those needs are actually reasonable.. I have been here too long without addressing it, and too many attitudes have built up.. those attitudes make me feel unsafe, and also resentful, as I am the type of person who does not believe in putting my attitudes before my need to understand others, and I know how to set my own situation/ needs aside whenever i am focused on someone else, but I apparently do that too easily, and other people don't see it, so I get run over..

I have been this way a long time, and I worry sometimes that I have let things run too long, since my bitterness makes people happier to judge me, and being judged so easily is one of the things that makes me bitter about the world.. One of the many ironic traps in my life!

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I'm not sure but I don't think I've done this before.. I've posted twice since I joined and I was pretty bitter then but not really aware of it in that way, I think I may have annoyed Dr. Baxter, I think I remember he got pretty blunt with me, which hurt, but I realize where it came from, now...

I had to go looking for it but I think that you're referring to this post in the thread, The woman who sees the world back to front. You said:

I'm definitely bitter.

And my reply was:

I know nothing about the reasons, of course, but, yes, I'd say so.

I don't recall if I was annoyed or not, to be honest. I am sometimes blunt in my replies but that shouldn't be taken as an indication of annoyance necessarily.

In any case, looking back on it, I think I could have been a little more tactful, at the very least.

My apologies, belatedly, and welcome back to Psychlinks.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I'm not doing well and even though I am in the "Mental Health System" in California (actually - now it makes more sense - of course the California mental health system is over-loaded!..) I am not really receiving any help. There is no one for me to tell when I am not doing well, who won't just tell me that I "look like I am doing fine," or that I don't really need help, which is absolutely not true, but when I get to that point and am feeling aware of my need for understanding i am usually too bitter and angry to be able to communicate safely..

What do you have available to you at present in the way of therapists? You mention a psychologist below - is this someone with whom you have regular individual sessions, or is it more an occasional or group thing? What about a psychiatrist or social worker within the system (I really don't know a lot about how the Calfornia system works although there are a couple of other members here who do).

What about family supports? Anything at all?

I have to say that all the feel good stuff that goes on on this site is not the kind of thing that appeals to me, no offense to those it actually helps.. Where self-esteem is concerned I guess I prefer to get it from myself or people who actually know me, otherwise it irritates me as something that feels false.. maybe I am outgrowing that though..

I get that, actually, although I think a lot of the caring expressed by forum members here is genuine. One needs to visit with a certain frequency to be able to experience the sense of community that is available here.

I was trying to get to the point... I am diagnosed Bipolar II (more depressive) and have been corroborated by a psychologist as being post-traumatic, which is possibly my bigger problem. Depression sucks, but not being able to communicate especially when I most need to in order to feel safe is a far bigger problem.

Are you referring here to communicating to your therapists? or to your roommates as described below?

I live in a co-op (co-operative housing) with currently twenty other people (two houses - one kitchen!..) and despite how well this situation would/ ought to fit my personality (I love to commit extra energy to the space I live in, I have a strong awareness of how the space around me affects me subconsciously, and I love to give selflessly to a shared space) I have horrible personal dynamics and I don't operate well with mixed messages, which people in their earlier twenties seem to give a lot of.. (I'm twenty-nine). I love my co-op, despite it's griminess and the lack of communication that seems to have become norm somehow, but I have sort of come to the conclusion that I've gotten what i can get out of it, and I can only have healthy boundaries if I leave, because I don't have any way to communicate through my bitterness and explain to my housemates what my needs are, and how those needs are actually reasonable.. I have been here too long without addressing it, and too many attitudes have built up.. those attitudes make me feel unsafe, and also resentful, as I am the type of person who does not believe in putting my attitudes before my need to understand others, and I know how to set my own situation/ needs aside whenever i am focused on someone else, but I apparently do that too easily, and other people don't see it, so I get run over..

You like the accomodations but not having to share them? What realistic alternatives do you see available to you at present?

my bitterness makes people happier to judge me, and being judged so easily is one of the things that makes me bitter about the world.. One of the many ironic traps in my life!

It's also possible that you feel judged by people when they aren't really judging you...

 

[usmwf]

First in defence of Dr. Baxter, he really is one of the good guys and we all have our own way of communicating and much of it depends on how we were raised and or if we are male or female.

Seems to me if you have came back you do need something.

I only just recently realized that i have had an anxiety issue my entire life. One of the big changes is that i no longer have the same little issues in my life haunting me. Which make it much easier to deal with the big issues that come along.

I'm not saying i even begin to know where you are coming from however if you have thought about it enough (and one reason for taking so long to return is because you feel you have damaged you chances in the forum) and still came back to the board maybe it is something you should look into.

For many years i felt that it was my minds way of making things right or keeping me on the right side of things but in reality it just made me dislike myself and cut others out of the picture who may not have derived it.

I'm not sure if any of this makes sense or helps at all however this is a safe place if you need it and if you don't have a support line around you it is important to find one. So welcome to the group and take the time to enjoy the little things in life they are what ultimately count.

 

[Jesse910]

Dear Turtle-under-rock:

I'm just now reading my emails. However, I was struck by the walls you have insulated yourself with. I sense your fear, loneliness, and defensiveness. I say that to you because they are traits which I too from time to time exhibit. However, I have found this website to be healing in times of genuine need. The people who have helped me have been sincere and frank. From time to time, we have all experienced the feelings you have and unfortunately, it's the nature of the beast.

I, too, live in California and you're correct, the mental health field is not what it should be. While I am a member of an HMO, I found it far better to go outside of the box to get the care I needed. I don't know if this is possible for you. What I ended up doing was utilizing my HMO for medication purposes only and seeking a private therapist at a nominal cost. There are those who do exist. There are therapist who will see individuals on a sliding scale.

Please also know that until you are ready to take a risk and learn to trust someone, you will be miserable. It took me a long time to begin to trust my current therapist and we've been working together for over two years. I had to know that she wasn't going to hurt me. I had to know that she wasn't going to rat me out for some of my thoughts and that she would not hate me. Those were my insecurities not hers. As I have trusted her and shared my life, positive things have occured. I'm opening myself up to new friendships and it's been a slow process and there are times when I retreat back into my shell. Yet, once I have regained my footing, I reach out again.

Please, give yourself a chance. You are safe here. No one is going to hurt you or make you do something that you are not ready to try. If you want friends and people who can support you while you continue to work with a therapist, then you have come to the right place.

You are worth it. Take care.

 

[ladylore]

Depression sucks, but not being able to communicate especially when I most need to in order to feel safe is a far bigger problem. I live in a co-op (co-operative housing) with currently twenty other people (two houses - one kitchen!..) and despite how well this situation would/ ought to fit my personality (I love to commit extra energy to the space I live in, I have a strong awareness of how the space around me affects me subconsciously, and I love to give selflessly to a shared space) I have horrible personal dynamics and I don't operate well with mixed messages, which people in their earlier twenties seem to give a lot of.. (I'm twenty-nine). I love my co-op, despite it's griminess and the lack of communication that seems to have become norm somehow, but I have sort of come to the conclusion that I've gotten what i can get out of it, and I can only have healthy boundaries if I leave, because I don't have any way to communicate through my bitterness and explain to my housemates what my needs are, and how those needs are actually reasonable.. I have been here too long without addressing it, and too many attitudes have built up.. those attitudes make me feel unsafe, and also resentful, as I am the type of person who does not believe in putting my attitudes before my need to understand others, and I know how to set my own situation/ needs aside whenever i am focused on someone else, but I apparently do that too easily, and other people don't see it, so I get run over..

I was rereading this post and the living arrangements and importance of surroundings stood out. What I can say is that as people get older we change, and so do our needs. My surroundings are extremely important to my emotional and mental health.

At this stage in my life I live alone, as like you, I tended to put other's needs before my own. Living alone affords me the benifit to control my living space the way I need to right now. At times I have given too much and realized what was happening at the 11th hour, so to speak - when something had to change.

A suggestion would be to make a list of what you want Turtle. Do you actually want to live with other people? If you can't afford it - what type of living quarters do you need (self-contained apartment)?

When you can assess what your needs are now, at 29 that may help you to move in the direction that make your life happier and more enjoyable. Just a thought.

Ladylore