Boyfriend's Relationship with Best Friend's Wife

[Boniohotdog]

Been together 4 years, boyf has a large circle of friends and when we first started seeing each other a couple of his friends wife's were extremely possessive it seemed over my boyfriend.
It got to a point where they'd only invite him over for bbqs, when we were out they'd flirt with him and tease him and after a while I started to raise concerns and state I felt uncomfortable about it.

His best friend's wife *Jess seemed to lead the whole thing stating she didn't like me and seemed to always be very off at social events and unfriendly despite who much I tried to befriend her.

We broke up for a short period last year and he attended a social event on his own the day we ended things promising me he wouldn't tell anyone we'd broken up however he offloaded everything to *Jess stating she'd got it out if him.

She seemed to take glory in the situation he then started to go over to their house for dinner more often, she invited him away for a long weekends away with them and she was constantly ringing his phone asking him over or out, quizzing him about me and whether he was still spending time with me. My boyf has been very open about what she has said and at times I have caught him lying to me and them to try to please both sides?!

It may seem like I'm over reacting but *Jess and his friend turned up at his house out of the blue when I was present and she wouldn't even look at me and then quizzed him and raised concerns with him after I left about why he was still seeing me!! I really don't understand why she feels she has the right to do this and I was furious!!!

She's recently had a baby which I thought would calm the whole situation down and distract her more however my boyf stated she'd rung and asked him to come over yesterday morning on his way to work when the health visitor was visiting. He hadn't told me earlier because he knew I'd raise concerns. I am very defensive about *jess anyhow as I do feel she is silently manipulative and I don't trust her.

what I want to know is do you feel it is appropriate when his best friend is at work (her husband) and her parents are retired and live locally that she is ringing my boyfirend and asking him to go over and assist with the baby when it's just him and her in the house?! I really don't understand it?! I would never ask my friends husband to do that for me if I'd had a baby - it just seems really controlling and generally odd!
It does not sit comfortably with me and I have raIsed this with my boyf but I don't want to seem jealous or out of order in anyway

 

[MHealthJo]

Re: Boyfriends Relationship with Best Friend's Wife

This all does seem rather odd and it certainly does not seem like your feelings and your priority and significance as a girlfriend is being respected. There are some big boundary problems going on with these people.

 

[Boniohotdog]

Re: Boyfriends Relationship with Best Friend's Wife

This all does seem rather odd and it certainly does not seem like your feelings and your priority and significance as a girlfriend is being respected. There are some big boundary problems going on with these people.

Thank you for this answer - you don't know how good it is to hear that someone has the same thoughts as me. For 4 years I have had to face these types of situations feeling very isolated when raising concerns. There doesn't seem to be any boundaries or understanding between this group of people and I am always seen as the outsider as they all seem to behave in this type of manner. I cant imagine how they would react if I was doing the same back to them!! I feel there needs to be a huge push around boundaries and respect however unfortunately I don't feel my boyf has the strengthen to face them and seems to want to please them rather than rock the boat. I have raised concerns about how this could leave him in a vulnerable and difficult position if *Jess tried anything and could poss cause friction between him and his best friend however he assures me that isn't the case and this just continues.
I wish she would just back off and go and live her life with her husband and her family - not my boyf!!

 

[MHealthJo]

Re: Boyfriends Relationship with Best Friend's Wife

You certainly don't want to be a 'significant other' or wife playing second fiddle to someone else, especially anyone disrespectful or controlling. And having a significant other who allows that to go on is not a desirable thing. Hope some resources here can help you to build up your boundaries and strength to make clear what you need and make it a requirement, or to build support and strength to help find your own path and find a healthy situation with a healthy guy. The support and guidance of a caring therapist can be a great asset in navigating hard situations or challenges.