Calming Someone Else Down

[Daniel E.]

Calming Someone Else Down
by Kathryn Britton, Positive Psychology Reflections blog
February 16, 2010

My daughter recently became very upset about her job. I found her stamping around the house in a terrible mood, making justifiable complaints. She plopped herself down on the couch saying, ?I?m just going to call them up and quit. I?ve had enough.?

My initial impulse was to argue with her. The job gives her the flexibility she needs to take prerequisite courses for applying nursing school. The things that were bothering her didn?t seem that overwhelming to me, and I knew she didn?t have the time to look for another job.

But instead of arguing, I just sat down beside her and put my arms around her. If I said anything at all, it was something low and vague and sympathetic.

Pretty soon, she was up and moving around again, only this time she was working out the details about how to deal with the day?s challenges.

What did I learn?
I already knew that arguing with myself when I?m upset doesn?t help. The first step toward a resilient response is for me to calm myself down.

The experience with my daughter helped me extend that learning to way I operate with other people. The first step to help someone else be resilient is to help them calm down. When I saw my daughter unhappy, I felt an urge to do something, but I was smart enough to keep my mouth shut. Only afterwards did it occur to me that the maternal instinct that led to gentle touch was just the right way to help her calm down.

We recently published a little book of edited articles from Positive Psychology News Daily called Resilience: How to Navigate Life?s Curves. Most of the chapters are about ways to become more resilient yourself. My chapter explains why it is important to calm down first before trying to argue with yourself.

Perhaps we?ll publish a second edition some day with new articles about how to help others be resilient. I?d love to hear about your experiences.

 

[Daniel E.]

How to Calm Someone in a Crisis
Security Smart Newsletter

Ever lost your cool? Of course! Kelly Chessen, a former suicide hotline counselor and a "data crisis counselor" at DriveSavers, shares her tips for calming a distressed friend or co-worker.

The first step is to establish a rapport. A crisis state makes someone feel like no one can understand why he's upset, which in turn makes him more upset. To defeat this cycle, Chessen uses a technique called validation. "Don't say, 'I understand,'" she says, because they won't believe you. "Instead, use indirect acknowledgement. 'I'd certainly be upset too.' Or, 'That must be frustrating. You have every right to be angry.'" Chessen adds that you should never tell someone in crisis how to feel, or say, "You need to calm down." Speak in a calm, even voice. Chessen is alert for certain words and phrases that might indicate a person is in profound distress.

"Sometimes I'll hear someone say, 'If I can't get my data back, I don't know what I'll do,' and that's a tip to me," she says, as are other statements such as "This is hopeless" or "My life is over." In every case, Chessen asks the person directly, "Are you considering suicide?" Whether it's a life event, or the loss of a critical work product at stake, it's crucial to ask. "If they're not thinking about it, they'll say no. And if they are, the fact that someone asked them to talk about it will be a relief and a release for them."

Be an active listener, Chessen says, which means "making sure the person knows you're part of the conversation by asking questions and injecting verbal cues, like 'Uh huh' and 'I see.'" Another technique is repeating to someone what they just said to you. "If they say 'I'm ****ed my computer broke,' I say back, 'So you're upset that your computer failed. I'd be upset too.'" People feel better if they can tell their story.

It's important not to mislead a person in distress. When Chessen is helping a DriveSavers caller, and she knows what's happening with equipment, she can reassure the person. "I can say, 'We can recover that kind of data 90 percent of the time,'" she says. It helps people in crisis to know the odds are on their side. But she also must acknowledge the 10 percent chance that the data won't be recovered. "If I don't, then I've broken that trust we've built up if that 10 percent chance actually comes true," she says.

Finally help them develop an action plan. Once you have enough information, you can help the person in crisis explore his options. The more concrete the plan--with tasks the person in crisis can do to ameliorate the situation--the better. Exploring alternatives and finding a path to a solution helps a person get through the short-term state of a crisis, Chessen says.

Related article:
http://forum.psychlinks.ca/resource...ngs/17714-principles-of-active-listening.html