eva
MVP
I hesitate in writing this because I want people to know that I am not advocating this as a course of action or a preferrable option for Conflict Resolution. I'm just reflecting on my own experiences and what they mean for me.
Things were not always so well for my family. As a younger person (child and teen) there were cycles of abuse and bullying that everyone in my immediate family was responsible for.
I get anxious thinking about my childhood: My older brother would constantly provoke me to anger and outbursts in order to discredit me in the eyes of our parents by trying to "prove" that he was the smart and collected one while I was the stupid and out-of-control one. We only truly started to get along when he moved out for university and we're very comfortable with each other now that he's finished school and back home.
My parents would argue and yell in front of me until I lost my calm and yelled at them both, which they would then get me in trouble for. But when mom and I would fight, he would just leave in a huff which made me feel invalidated in what I was trying to say. My dad in particular would have pretty seriously outbursts - screaming, sometimes throwing things. He was very selfish sometimes too - offering to drive me to school but then making me late because he would stop for coffee or snacks. This got me in trouble at school but he just kept it up, no matter how much it upset me. When I got mad, he would just respond in kind and throw it all back in my face by dismissing my words and feelings. Screaming matches would start like nothing with him when I was a kid. I felt so frustrated and trapped that I lashed out more and more and just felt more scared and threatened. No matter how many times I told mom about it and showed her how hysterical I was getting, she refused to act or intervene, claiming that she "couldn't police him". Sometimes she talked about taking me to professional help, but she only ever talked about that when she was really disgusted and fed up with my (literal) screaming, biting and kicking, so for years I refused going to help because she had only ever presented it to me as if it were punishment and a way to shame me for my outbursts and surges in behaviour.
I'm not above admitting that when I felt desperate and like yelling for hours about how isolated and invalidated I felt wasn't making a difference, I would lash out physically. I remember that by the time I was 13 or 14 I was able to start recognizing that this was seriously, really hurting people, so I made the effort to re-direct where my mind and feelings would go and control myself better. I talked to my mom a lot about how I knew it was wrong and I didn't want to keep hurting them and so I was trying to be better. This is why, as an adult, I am terrified of hurting other people. My dad would also use physical aggression against me sometimes too. It could have been because he was at the end of his rope with me or because I learned from his example, I don't know. I can remember examples of being hurt by him and examples of me hurting others but I don't know whether or not they happened frequently enough to be considered an abuse cycle.
A point of contention over the past few years for me was the fact that from 13 to 15/16, I made immense effort to keep myself rational and control my temper and yet my dad, several decades older than me, would continue to respond on my level of emotional maturity. There was an incident a few years which was the last ever time my dad hurt me because he lost it pretty seriously and the only real reason I didn't end up with wounds needing medical attention was because mom put herself between us and he wouldn't harm her. Mom removed me from the battering environment for a few months by having me stay at her sister's house. But the house was in poor condition - plumbing didn't work in some rooms and the kitchen was too messy to ever cook, so I had to arrange times where I could visit home when dad wasn't there when I needed showers and proper home-cooked meals. Even though I had a right to be removed from the environment, it felt like I was being "kicked out" and that felt like victim-blaming. Speaking of which, both of my parents actually have resorted to that, my dad initially blaming his last fit on the fact that I wasn't "comfortable" to live with and mom re-organizing the order of events in her mind to take it seem like I was assaulted because I was "showing disrespect" rather than self-defense. She also constructed blame by treating my physical outbursts as a child equal with his as an adult and parent and I didn't understand how my behaviour and his were equal. Whenever they corrected my behaviour as a kid they stressed that I was not an equal to them, and I also didn't understand how my aggression was equal to his when I was still a kid and actually TRYING to be better, whereas he had decades of life experience on me and was not trying to change or control his temper with anywhere near the same effort I was making.
But I also genuinely believe that both my parents have come to actually understand that the bullying and the hurt on their part was wrong, because the big incident where I had to leave home temporarily was 3 years ago and there has not been a serious incident or anyone insulting or literally attacking anyone else since. I've had serious talks with mom and she's told me that they've both learned and have realized that their handling of me was unfair, unethical and victimizing for me. I feel calmer and safer since she told me that. I cannot afford to move out and live in my own place because of school, so I've had to learn to cope with the family living space and try to be safe. I keep them in the know-how about my health and needs and they're now more careful about letting me tend to my own business. They're willing to make investments for my comfort and mental health, so long as I make requests that are affordable and reasonable. I was anxious because my bedroom was set up in such a way that mess and clutter were constant and it was agitating me, and they purchased me a new bedframe for re-organizing my furniture and now they both make a lot of positive comments about how my room looks better and how I successfully made it into a good "Safe space" for me. My medication costs are covered by their health insurance and the times that the pharmacy people "derp" and think the plan is expired, mom pays for it. Funny enough, last week I got harassed by a bus driver and it really upset me, and my dad was about to leave the house for some business but he delayed for a few minutes so he could stay until my boyfriend showed up so that I wouldn't be by myself and upset.
It makes me very sad that we had to take things to such a bad, even traumatic limit, in order to understand that things weren't right and needed to be changed. But I also appreciate that the understanding got reached a little late, rather than never. When things got bad, they had the potential to get worse, more dangerous, but instead it was the event horizon where they realized that what they were doing wasn't working. There are potential outcomes where things could have just gotten more painful and dangerous once they hit that low but instead it became a turning point. I don't think I will ever be able to absolutely, 100% let go of what happened and I will always feel some degree of anger about it - but now I have the opportunity to juxtapose with the independence and sense of safe space and structure that I have now. I'm being given the right to be treated like an adult, the right to express my feelings and thoughts, and the right to freedom from fear.
I'm not saying that everyone should stay in situations or continue to deal with people who hurt you. This is just my situation and how I developed coping due to not being able to go elsewhere. I've learned that change is possible and that breaking the cycles can happen and that you can put the responsibility on the aggressor as opposed to the person on the receiving end. I'm still planning towards finding my own place eventually and keeping track of phone numbers and organizations that can help if anyone, not just immediate family, put me in danger. But right now at this exact time in my life I actually feel safe and like I can move towards the goals I want.
Not even sure why I've written this big rambling mess... I've been thinking it over for a while. I don't want to sound stupid or like I have some kind of syndrome. I'm just trying to be realistic so I'm acknowledging that good developed from bad things, and that's a chance I've gotten that not everyone gets. I hope I haven't said anything that makes me sound so awful that I'll become a pariah on this forum. I hope that my honesty isn't so abhorrent or appalling that it will keep me from helping and supporting the other fine people on this forum.
I guess mostly, I just hope that I'm still a good person after all of these situations and happenings.
Things were not always so well for my family. As a younger person (child and teen) there were cycles of abuse and bullying that everyone in my immediate family was responsible for.
I get anxious thinking about my childhood: My older brother would constantly provoke me to anger and outbursts in order to discredit me in the eyes of our parents by trying to "prove" that he was the smart and collected one while I was the stupid and out-of-control one. We only truly started to get along when he moved out for university and we're very comfortable with each other now that he's finished school and back home.
My parents would argue and yell in front of me until I lost my calm and yelled at them both, which they would then get me in trouble for. But when mom and I would fight, he would just leave in a huff which made me feel invalidated in what I was trying to say. My dad in particular would have pretty seriously outbursts - screaming, sometimes throwing things. He was very selfish sometimes too - offering to drive me to school but then making me late because he would stop for coffee or snacks. This got me in trouble at school but he just kept it up, no matter how much it upset me. When I got mad, he would just respond in kind and throw it all back in my face by dismissing my words and feelings. Screaming matches would start like nothing with him when I was a kid. I felt so frustrated and trapped that I lashed out more and more and just felt more scared and threatened. No matter how many times I told mom about it and showed her how hysterical I was getting, she refused to act or intervene, claiming that she "couldn't police him". Sometimes she talked about taking me to professional help, but she only ever talked about that when she was really disgusted and fed up with my (literal) screaming, biting and kicking, so for years I refused going to help because she had only ever presented it to me as if it were punishment and a way to shame me for my outbursts and surges in behaviour.
I'm not above admitting that when I felt desperate and like yelling for hours about how isolated and invalidated I felt wasn't making a difference, I would lash out physically. I remember that by the time I was 13 or 14 I was able to start recognizing that this was seriously, really hurting people, so I made the effort to re-direct where my mind and feelings would go and control myself better. I talked to my mom a lot about how I knew it was wrong and I didn't want to keep hurting them and so I was trying to be better. This is why, as an adult, I am terrified of hurting other people. My dad would also use physical aggression against me sometimes too. It could have been because he was at the end of his rope with me or because I learned from his example, I don't know. I can remember examples of being hurt by him and examples of me hurting others but I don't know whether or not they happened frequently enough to be considered an abuse cycle.
A point of contention over the past few years for me was the fact that from 13 to 15/16, I made immense effort to keep myself rational and control my temper and yet my dad, several decades older than me, would continue to respond on my level of emotional maturity. There was an incident a few years which was the last ever time my dad hurt me because he lost it pretty seriously and the only real reason I didn't end up with wounds needing medical attention was because mom put herself between us and he wouldn't harm her. Mom removed me from the battering environment for a few months by having me stay at her sister's house. But the house was in poor condition - plumbing didn't work in some rooms and the kitchen was too messy to ever cook, so I had to arrange times where I could visit home when dad wasn't there when I needed showers and proper home-cooked meals. Even though I had a right to be removed from the environment, it felt like I was being "kicked out" and that felt like victim-blaming. Speaking of which, both of my parents actually have resorted to that, my dad initially blaming his last fit on the fact that I wasn't "comfortable" to live with and mom re-organizing the order of events in her mind to take it seem like I was assaulted because I was "showing disrespect" rather than self-defense. She also constructed blame by treating my physical outbursts as a child equal with his as an adult and parent and I didn't understand how my behaviour and his were equal. Whenever they corrected my behaviour as a kid they stressed that I was not an equal to them, and I also didn't understand how my aggression was equal to his when I was still a kid and actually TRYING to be better, whereas he had decades of life experience on me and was not trying to change or control his temper with anywhere near the same effort I was making.
But I also genuinely believe that both my parents have come to actually understand that the bullying and the hurt on their part was wrong, because the big incident where I had to leave home temporarily was 3 years ago and there has not been a serious incident or anyone insulting or literally attacking anyone else since. I've had serious talks with mom and she's told me that they've both learned and have realized that their handling of me was unfair, unethical and victimizing for me. I feel calmer and safer since she told me that. I cannot afford to move out and live in my own place because of school, so I've had to learn to cope with the family living space and try to be safe. I keep them in the know-how about my health and needs and they're now more careful about letting me tend to my own business. They're willing to make investments for my comfort and mental health, so long as I make requests that are affordable and reasonable. I was anxious because my bedroom was set up in such a way that mess and clutter were constant and it was agitating me, and they purchased me a new bedframe for re-organizing my furniture and now they both make a lot of positive comments about how my room looks better and how I successfully made it into a good "Safe space" for me. My medication costs are covered by their health insurance and the times that the pharmacy people "derp" and think the plan is expired, mom pays for it. Funny enough, last week I got harassed by a bus driver and it really upset me, and my dad was about to leave the house for some business but he delayed for a few minutes so he could stay until my boyfriend showed up so that I wouldn't be by myself and upset.
It makes me very sad that we had to take things to such a bad, even traumatic limit, in order to understand that things weren't right and needed to be changed. But I also appreciate that the understanding got reached a little late, rather than never. When things got bad, they had the potential to get worse, more dangerous, but instead it was the event horizon where they realized that what they were doing wasn't working. There are potential outcomes where things could have just gotten more painful and dangerous once they hit that low but instead it became a turning point. I don't think I will ever be able to absolutely, 100% let go of what happened and I will always feel some degree of anger about it - but now I have the opportunity to juxtapose with the independence and sense of safe space and structure that I have now. I'm being given the right to be treated like an adult, the right to express my feelings and thoughts, and the right to freedom from fear.
I'm not saying that everyone should stay in situations or continue to deal with people who hurt you. This is just my situation and how I developed coping due to not being able to go elsewhere. I've learned that change is possible and that breaking the cycles can happen and that you can put the responsibility on the aggressor as opposed to the person on the receiving end. I'm still planning towards finding my own place eventually and keeping track of phone numbers and organizations that can help if anyone, not just immediate family, put me in danger. But right now at this exact time in my life I actually feel safe and like I can move towards the goals I want.
Not even sure why I've written this big rambling mess... I've been thinking it over for a while. I don't want to sound stupid or like I have some kind of syndrome. I'm just trying to be realistic so I'm acknowledging that good developed from bad things, and that's a chance I've gotten that not everyone gets. I hope I haven't said anything that makes me sound so awful that I'll become a pariah on this forum. I hope that my honesty isn't so abhorrent or appalling that it will keep me from helping and supporting the other fine people on this forum.
I guess mostly, I just hope that I'm still a good person after all of these situations and happenings.
