Can anyone help me - please?

[MarieUK]

I don’t know where to start, really. My husband has asked me to come on here because he’s very worried about my state of mind. I have three beautiful children but every time they misbehave (which is often – their ages are 1 year, 2.5 years and 4.75 years!) I get really stressed and tell them off, and then I hate myself afterwards and all these images of me telling them off, making them cry (telling my little boy I don’t love him anymore, he’s no longer my son, I want to sell him… to (wrongly) scare him into behaving), wanting to walk out the door and leave them (with them blissfully unaware, playing upstairs or whatever) flood into my head and I tell myself I’m the worst mother in the world, the worst wife in the world, and they (my children and my husband) would all be better off without me.

I know why I feel this way: it’s because I have so much self-hatred, so much insecurity, so much deep-rooted negativity about myself, that anytime I do anything wrong (such as tell my kids off, sometimes a little too strongly) all my temporary happiness flies out of the window and my negative thoughts come back, and little voices are telling me I’m useless. It doesn’t help that I’ve been on internet forums and people have made caustic remarks towards me (I feel like they know me because the things they’re saying about me are things I say about myself), and I go to mums ‘n’ tods groups and I can’t mix with other people – I smile and say ‘hi’ but people are all in little groups and nobody talks to me; we’ve just moved house and I tried to introduce myself to the neighbours but started stuttering and then waffling on about a load of nonsense and they just stared at me. I feel like a social leper on top of everything else I have going on in my life…

My self-loathing and insecurity stems from my past…

1. My sister’s friend (also my parents’ friend) came round our house when I was in my early teens and molested me (she wasn’t in the room at the time);
2. I was bullied at school (my real ‘friends’ used to walk away when they saw the bullies approach me, lest they get picked on too);
3. I had some bad au-pairing experiences in my late teens (the father threatened to hit me and they sacked me and my parents had to drive 1000 miles and pick me up);
4. I suffered from anorexia whilst at university and nearly died (my sister said I was so selfish for putting my parents through all that pain and stress).
5. I think I may have been raped by a guy I had a one-night stand with and his friends (removed details)
6. I fell in love with a married man (I didn’t know he was married when we first me, and when I found out he told me his marriage was unhappy and they were just together for the kids – I naively believed him), and then the wife found out and he left me and I took an overdose and ended up in a psych unit. That was when the self-harm began…
7. I was the victim of domestic violence with my ex-fiance (removed graphic details). When he went to court I wrote a ‘victim impact statement’ and stood up and defended him (his father had sexually abused him so he himself was also a victim) and so they didn’t send him to jail. I spent a lot of time afterwards supporting him with his compulsory domestic violence sessions he had to attend, and then one day he turned round and got violent with me again, and I managed to escape and get home, and he rang me to say he was going to drive a car through my house. I rang the police but they said it was my own fault for not staying away from him. He is now in a relationship with someone and has a little boy (from what I hear). He has moved on with his life and is, by all accounts, happy. But I wasted time that should’ve been spent healing myself, on helping him. I never came to terms with what he did and never faced how it impacted me. But now it’s all coming back to haunt me, 10 years on…

I self-harmed repeatedly after this.

I can’t get over my past and I feel like I must have done something in a past life to deserve it all. Bad things don’t happen to good people for no reason, so maybe it’s punishment for something I can’t remember…?

I want to move on and forget it all but I feel like the only way that’s going to happen is if someone wipes my memory. Some of the time I’m “pro-me” and get resentful and angry at what has happened, and I feel like I’m wasting my life stuck at home with my kids when my husband goes on business trips and weekends away with his children, and my only passion (horse-riding) is something I can’t afford to do (I had horses when younger and my last one got ran over and ever since I’ve had kids I’ve not had the money – or time – to have one again, but my husband has always said it’s something we’ll aim for when we have more money…). And then the rest of the time I’m “anti-me” and become a martyr, feeling sorry for myself, wanting to punish myself, self-harming (I took an overdose years ago and was sent to a psych unit).

How do I ‘forget’ what has happened? Or, if I can’t forget it, how do I put it behind me? Ultimately I need to learn to love myself, but I don’t think I deserve it, and I still think my family would be better off without me. My family know about the anorexia, overdose and domestic violence, but only my husband knows about the other stuff… I’m too ashamed to tell anyone and I don’t think they’d believe me anyway (I tend to attract trouble and I’m sure some people (my sister in particular) think I enjoy the drama).

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Marie, do you have a therapist or psychiatrist currently, or have you in the past?

 

[MarieUK]

No, I've never been to a therapist (it's not that common over here - there's a bit of a stigma about it tbh). I can't afford to pay to see one and don't want to go through my GP. Plus, it's one thing writing these things down but I have trouble saying them out loud...

 

[Always Changing]

Counselling for survivors of rape
freephone helpline
0808 802 9999

I believe you said in your introduction Marie that you cannot afford private therapy..
I checked the website above and counselling there is Free. If you want to consider giving them a call in order to just talk about therapy\counselling.

There maybe other places you can try.. (when you are ready of course ok) If members here come across or know of any we will post them here for you too.

Hope this is helpful in some way.

---------- Post added at 03:46 PM ---------- Previous post was at 03:11 PM ----------

I agree with you Marie.. it is very hard to talk about abuse, I found and still do at times find it incredibly hard to do so.
I believe you will find as you find your way around the forums that there a few of us here who have similar difficulties and have found various ways to help us communicate.