Can Anyone Relate?

[MaynardJamesKeenan]

I was just curious to see if anyone has been through or is going through the same problem I am. I dont know if its shyness, a social phobia, or what. I cant stay in a one on one social situation WITH ANYONE.

I make an effort to avoid one on one conversations with pretty much everybody. Be it on the phone or face to face. I cant talk with my best friend from high school, my brother, my mom, a stranger sitting next to me on the bus.

There are only a few ways for me to get through a social situation with anyone. We both have to be occupied with something. This takes a little stress off me because I hate "akward silences". Or the person I am with has to be an incessant talker. My only "friends" right now are people who need a "yea" or "uh-huh" every 30 seconds or so. I swear they could talk to themselves if it wasnt socially frowned upon.

This wasnt always the case. In middle school and the first half of high school I was pretty social. I had lots of friends and never even thought about a problem like this.

Im 22 years old right now and you can imagine how this would impact my life. My best friend from high school calls me up once every two months now. I swear he thinks Im a jerk. All of my other friends have given up. Any relationship with a girl turns to crap pretty quickly and all my current "friends" arent really friends at all. They are just people who let me land into a social situation easily.

Its almost like Im focusing on myself ALL THE TIME. Every once in a great while when I start thinking about the situation my old self comes out with a little bit of natural humor. I just ran into an aquantence at the gym. A girl comes up to me and asks "How are you? I havent seen you in a while?" I respond with the most generic crap while thinking "I wish you didnt see me here. Why did you approach me. I dont have anything fun to tell you. I cant make you laugh."

Can anyone suggest anything? Is there a word for this? Any literature on the subject I should be looking into?

 

[Halo]

Maynard,

I think that there may be many people that relate to you on this. I was wondering how you do with the one on one conversation with your therapist? Is is the same sort of feeling? And what are the feelings that you have when comforted with a social one on one conversation...scared, nervous, anxious etc.

Some threads that you may want to take a look at:

Are You Just Shy or Do You Have a Social Phobia?

Painful Shyness In Children And Adults

Shy? Here's how to break the ice

 

[Into The Light]

i haven't personally experienced these kinds of feelings but maybe other members have and they can probably be of more help to you.

 

[MaynardJamesKeenan]

Maynard,

I think that there may be many people that relate to you on this. I was wondering how you do with the one on one conversation with your therapist? Is is the same sort of feeling? And what are the feelings that you have when comforted with a social one on one conversation...scared, nervous, anxious etc.

Some threads that you may want to take a look at:

Are You Just Shy or Do You Have a Social Phobia?

Painful Shyness In Children And Adults

Shy? Here's how to break the ice

With my doctor its better than usual but its still not good. I guess I can open up a little more because he's there to judge me. Its not a social situation and it seems like a very safe environment. I could fumble over my words and tell him how boring I am and he wouldnt think any less of me.

Its not good though because there are still two "judges" in the room during a session. Him and me. I dont like thinking Im stupid so I wont say some things. I wont fully explain many of my thoughts because I dont feel like I can accurately describe what Im going through.

In social situations a few thoughts go through my mind.

- Why is this person talking to me. I hold no social value whatsoever.
- When they find out I hold no value whatsoever they will leave me/think less of me.
- This is too stressful. I cant put up this fake front much longer. So ill stay real quiet. By me staying quiet and pleasent they will think Im just not talkative right now so Ill live another day in their mind.
- I think I look pretty good (Im 6'2'' 220 lbs, work out all the time, have an excellent diet, try to wear nice clothes) so from afar people judge me at a reasonably high level. Why open my mouth and knock it down?

It doesnt sound like much but 90% of my brain is focusing on these thoughts. 10% is devoted to the actual conversation. When 10% of my brain is devoted to a conversation the only thing I can say is standard stuff.

Friend: Hey, Whats up? I havent seen you in forever!

Me: I know. Ive been busy. What have you been up to? (I have actually noticed I ALWAYS try to put the focus on the other person)

Friend: Such and Such...

Me: (I try to say anything that will keep the conversation focused on them)

Once the conversation is focused on me I end it or let them end it and get ****************ed off/depressed.

 

[Into The Light]

Its not good though because there are still two "judges" in the room during a session. Him and me. I dont like thinking Im stupid so I wont say some things. I wont fully explain many of my thoughts because I dont feel like I can accurately describe what Im going through.

this is tricky and kind of what is holding you back, i think. i know it's not easy to open up and talk about what you think. that takes trust and trust takes time to build.

i think you need to try and forget about the idea of there being judges in the room. the whole point of therapy is for you to be in a place where you do not feel judged, and feel safe enough to talk about what you are thinking. a good therapist never judges you for your thoughts and feelings. they will accept your thoughts and feelings for what they are and help you work through the issues you are facing.

try testing the waters with him a little bit next time. open up about something small and see what his reaction is.

one thing i really struggled with when i was depressed was social interaction. it was actually painful to me, literally. it hurt having to have conversations, having to pretend nothing was wrong. it felt almost impossible. i didn't want to have to talk to people. it was the worst thing in the world for me. i guess what i am trying to say is i understand conversations are difficult for you. you aren't alone in that.

 

[MaynardJamesKeenan]

this is tricky and kind of what is holding you back, i think. i know it's not easy to open up and talk about what you think. that takes trust and trust takes time to build.

i think you need to try and forget about the idea of there being judges in the room. the whole point of therapy is for you to be in a place where you do not feel judged, and feel safe enough to talk about what you are thinking. a good therapist never judges you for your thoughts and feelings. they will accept your thoughts and feelings for what they are and help you work through the issues you are facing.

try testing the waters with him a little bit next time. open up about something small and see what his reaction is.

one thing i really struggled with when i was depressed was social interaction. it was actually painful to me, literally. it hurt having to have conversations, having to pretend nothing was wrong. it felt almost impossible. i didn't want to have to talk to people. it was the worst thing in the world for me. i guess what i am trying to say is i understand conversations are difficult for you. you aren't alone in that.

I will honestly give it a shot.

Where are you in terms of your recovery? What are you doing to overcome your struggles? Are social situations still painful for you?

 

[Halo]

I agree with what ITL said about therapists not judging. That is not their job and they are there to help us not judge us. I know in my case I am my own worse judge and critic. Nobody could judge me any harder than I already judge myself. If I can just learn to listen to what others tell me or say about me and not automatically think the worst about myself then I will have come a long way.

 

[Withdrawn]

I can very much relate to how you feel.
Basically everything you've said is what I experience every day, too.

Especially the low value thing and the turning the conversations towards others.
I also find I actually lie to people a lot to not have to say much or not to complicate the conversation.

Also, if you feel it is difficult to talk to your doctor about these matters because of his point of view or just his presence, why not start writing a diary, or something like that?

Find out more about social anxiety, or your own feelings.
This way there won't be any uncomfortable situations as, well, diaries can't talk back.

I'm not saying this would be the solution, but as you're uncomfortable talking to others about it, why not just get things sorted out for yourself, or so to speak, before actually tackling the problem?

I've found learning more about social anxiety has helped me understand myself more and what I'm going through, and I think it might help you to reach a decision and maybe the motivation to speak to your doctor or anyone else who might be able to help you.

I hope I've been of any help to you, if you ever need to talk about things, I'm always willing to have a chat.

 

[Lana]

With my doctor its better than usual but its still not good. I guess I can open up a little more because he's there to judge me. Its not a social situation and it seems like a very safe environment. I could fumble over my words and tell him how boring I am and he wouldnt think any less of me.

Its not good though because there are still two "judges" in the room during a session. Him and me. I dont like thinking Im stupid so I wont say some things. I wont fully explain many of my thoughts because I dont feel like I can accurately describe what Im going through.

In social situations a few thoughts go through my mind.

- Why is this person talking to me. I hold no social value whatsoever.
- When they find out I hold no value whatsoever they will leave me/think less of me.
- This is too stressful. I cant put up this fake front much longer. So ill stay real quiet. By me staying quiet and pleasent they will think Im just not talkative right now so Ill live another day in their mind.
- I think I look pretty good (Im 6'2'' 220 lbs, work out all the time, have an excellent diet, try to wear nice clothes) so from afar people judge me at a reasonably high level. Why open my mouth and knock it down?

Hi MJK;

I wanted to add to what others have said here. You are NOT being judged by your doctor. Never were. You may be assessed for a condition so as to develop theraputic strategies, but that in no way shape or form resembles judgment. In fact, the reason you see your doctor is because he is trained to identify causes and effects, and he has skills to help you deal with whatever he may find, and because he does not judge any of his patients.

The only judge in the room during your therapy is you. You judge yourself (and quite harshly), and you judge your doctor, and you judge anyone that tries to strike up a conversation with you. That judgment is part of your insecurity. From what you described, it seems to me that you fear rejection. That will definately get in a way of social relationships, as well as intimate ones with friends, family, or romantic ones.

I'd suggest to use your sessions with your doctor to address that. You, of course, would have to tell him that. Unlike the scenario you described with a friend, if you walk in and tell your doctor, "This is very uncomfortable for me, but I think I need to address a couple of issues haveing to do with insecurity and fear of rejection", it would probably make your doctor happy and give him something to work with instead of waiting for you to let him in. But be prepared for him to delve further to try and determine where those issues came from and remember, this is about you and for you. Of all the people, the therapist conecerns himself with your wellbeing the most.

 

[meagan80]

I have felt the same from time to time, it seems akward trying to talk to anyone. I love your screen name by the way..its awesome. Just try to remember that everyone has there insecurities no matter how confident they may seem. Noone is really better than you are, they have just learn to deal with things on a different level. That noone is really expecting anything from you when they try to talk to you, you seem to be putting a lot of pressure on yourself to be entertaining. Try to relax and stop questioning and just go with the flow.

 

[Into The Light]

social situations are no problem for me today, because i've been out of the woods with depression for a while now. what helped me was therapy and medication, getting support wherever i could find it, getting exercise and proper sleep.

i can tell you it is a difference of night and day for me when i look back to how i used to feel.

 

[MaynardJamesKeenan]

social situations are no problem for me today, because i've been out of the woods with depression for a while now. what helped me was therapy and medication, getting support wherever i could find it, getting exercise and proper sleep.

i can tell you it is a difference of night and day for me when i look back to how i used to feel.

Why are you unhappy right now? If its not too personal, is it because a small depression still lingers? Or is it because an unfortunate event just happened in your life?

 

[Into The Light]

it's not depression related. just some things that happened recently.