Can anyone see whats wrong?

[jsmith]

Hi,

I am new to this forum and the reason I ended up here is due to issues relating from my childhood.
It was only until recently that I have woken up to what im doing, realising that actually the effects of this issue still affect me now, and I want to change it, NOW.

so my dad left my mum when I was about 6. I was the middle child, my younger brother knew no different and my older brother (well, my dad wasnt his dad so didnt affect him at all really)

I was a real daddys boy and very close to him, then he left my mum for someone else. When ever we saw him he was with another woman and I always felt like I may well not have been there. I always felt like I wasnt good enough for him, I felt like I wasnt important.

He then met some other woman, who I didnt like. she didnt like us either, on one occasion she forced me at 7 years old to drink a mug of black coffee, and wasnt allowed to leave until i did drink it. my dad did nothing to support me, even though i was crying and hated the taste of it. there were other occasions when he didnt stick up for me, and I guess this is where my self esteem went in my life.

he took us on holiday one of the last times we saw him. again with this other woman, and i remember feeling like we may not have been there for what it was worth. this other woman was always more important than us.

on the way home this woman bought u s a t shirt from where we had been away. he forced us to wear it. I hated it. i didnt want to and i cant really answer why. all the way home I slowly pulled at the neck of the t shirt and tore it, which was my intention. I remember him taking us back and saying to my mum he didnt know what was wrong with me and just walked off.

the following week he took us to his parents, with my brother and this woman. from discussions he was there to have a fight with his parents, looking for an excuse. however whilst we were there, this woman kept ordering us about. i asked my nan for a drink and this other woman butted in and told me to say please, thank you, do this, do that.

this caused a massive row between my dad and my nan when my nan said that she would ask me to say please or thankyou if she wanted.

on this they had the argument, he took us, dropped us home and no one ever saw him again.

I know now as an adult that I am not responsible for what he did, but emotionally I am kept at this point, and its now 22 years on.

It affecrs my life now because ive realised I never do anything. I never live. at the end of each day I feel as if I have survuved it.

my reaction at a young age was this, I had 3 things going on in my head. I wasnt good enough, i dont want it to be my fault and I dont want it to go wrong, what ever it is, maybe everything????

I would go to school try and be as good as i could, go home do my homework, then do housework. but I wouldnt be asked I would just do it.

its the saem in work, its the same at home with my wife and kids.

Ive noticed similar traits in my life. I feel like im not living, im not doing, im not being responsible.

its like i try and take contrl of situations to make sure they dont go wrong, like so loads at work, or do loads at home, I pay all the bills, I do this and that etc.

BUt i wont be asked, and im not sure why. its like if I say ill do it then Im to blame. if someone else asks me then its different.

I dont feel like ive moved on from the issue with my dad. and I feel I have nearly understood what I am doing, as on 2 occasions recently I have felt like I nearly understood it and nearly broke through.

For what ever reason, at the minute my behaviour gives me a sense of control, not over it going wrong, but it not being my fault if it does?

Recently my wife and i wanted a puppy. we spoke and never took it any further. I then wanted to surprise her, I wanted to get it for her, as a surprise. I then realised this maybe wasnt the right thing to do. so i told her and then typically she wanted one. as soon as it came to making a joint decision or a decision where I have to make, then i back off, its like then im responsible? then im to blame? so i agree to it because its for her. we go and look and buy it and have to wait until its old enough. we agree a date and have to wait a few extra weeks for my wife to get paid.
I get home email the woman with the puppys and say can I collect her sooner, as a surprise?? what am i doing?

the other thing is if my wife and I have a row, then I will get my say in as much as her. but then I will say sorry. So the other week we were having a petty row, which wasnt get resolved so I walk out, go to the shop for some milk. when im there I then buy loads of stuff to make her breakfast. I get home and make it and take it to her. this is half way through an argument. I go and make her breakfast. the thing is In a way I dont feel ike this was for the rigth reasons. I feel like maybe what I was doing was I was taking the blame by making up, but I was saying behind my actions that at least if it goes wrong its not my fault????

I do believe that this is almost the same as the situation with my dad. by not letting go its not my fault im like this?

Does anyone see what im doing?

With all of this its makes me feel worthless, whatever it is im doing it makes me feel like im no one. maybe because im not actually ever doing anything for me, or because I want to?

Its like I could never leave my wife, even if I wanted to, I could never leave my job even if I wanted to, I dont do anything for me, even though I want to.

I dont get why?

When I had this row with her the other week, i almost got it. I realised that I its the motives behind it that are causing me to feel like this.

it affects my whole life. If my wife goes off into town for the night it terrifies me. Its not that I dont trust her, its not that at all, its almost like if she said im going out and be back at this time then id cope. its like this way I pace around the house like a caged animal, or if i were to sit at the pc all night arranging some present or something, i could survive easier. but the last time she went out, she said ill be back at this time, and when this time came she text me to say she'd be out longer because she was meeting her brother. for what ever reason this sent me so mad, i actually went in the garden and kicked ever plant pot and object in the way.

Its not a thing about that im trying to control her because im not, im the same at work, im the same when I was growing up with m y mum.

It makes me hate social events, I hate it when my wife gets her friends over, i kind of hide out the way. I realise I have given my wife nearly everything she's wanted, but I dont feel like ive been responsible for it, I dont understand why.

I feel I need to let go of this thing with my dad, i dont know how. can anyone see what I am doing?

Please help me understand this. even if you ignore the actions as a result of everything like how i feel in situations, its the control thing and why.

like the argument, I try and control it kind of like i make sure its not my fault if it goes wrong, so I take the blame but pass the responsibility or something over? maybe this is where my power goes?

If i give you an example of a recent time that made me feel alive, and again ignore the specifics, its the thing behind it that is what was different.

my son came home from school and said he'd been picked on. we sat around the table and talked about it and then I made the decision to go to the school, I went and spoke to the teacher, therefore it was my fault if it went wrong, it was my repsponsibility for the actions, it was my decision, I would take the blame etc and this was different, it made me feel alive as a person because I was to blame, but it was my decision. this is the opposite of what im doing with everything else.

its almost as if, my dad left, and i didnt want it to be my fault, and so i have developed a habit of trying to control things in some way, not sure how. I try and make sure if it goes wrong its not my fault, which is maybe why i dont feel like im being responsible, but in doing this, this is what keeps me kicked down.

PLEASE HELP ME! even if you cant see what im doing, please respond as i do feel like the argument with my wife and the whole issue with my dad are the same. and i fear that the issue with my dad is an excuse, its like maybe by keeping hold of it, im not to blame. i dont want to feel like that anymore, ive developed a habit and i need to change it.

 

[Andy]

Hi jsmith Welcome!! :beer2:

Well, first I have to tell you that I am not a professional in the mental health industry. I can however give you my take on what I read and you can take from it what works for you or leave it all, whichever. lol Just my opinion...here we go, hold on, because I can be rather random sometimes.

I think your a bit of a people pleaser for starters.

I really don't think that you are as "over" the issue with your father as you think you are. I mean maybe your getting some understanding of it but the fact that you relate most of your "today" problems back to when you were a kid, tells me that your still very wounded (understandably so) by what your father did.
You had absolutely nothing to do with what he chose to do when you were little. I'm glad you know that, but you also say "blame" a lot in your post and you are usually saying your taking on blame (shoot. correct me if I am wrong on that. I'm sorry it's late here lol) or you feel the need to take the blame.
Are you sure that deep down there, maybe that you just can't see, you might have "taken the blame" for what your father did to you as a child and have been beating yourself up with it ever since?

I can actually relate to you a little bit here. I have never had a parent abandon me, and that is what HE DID to you. I cannot imagine and I am sorry that happened. I don't know him obviously or his reasons for doing that but I can say that I think it was selfish and cowardly.

Sorry, I am going from one thing to the next. I can relate to you because my parents got divorced when I was (I think) a few years younger than you. My mom dated a lot of men (that sounds horrible lol), she was trying to move on and get a companion like anyone. She ended up making bad choices in more then a couple "men" and put her children in situations/predicaments etc. and always "chose" her happiness and need for companionship over her children. That is how I feel I can relate. Anyway.

Have you ever gone to therapy before jsmith? If not would you be willing to do something like that?

When you can go to your kids school and look after you kids needs, that is not taking blame or assigning blame onto yourself, that is being a good dad and looking out for your kid. You don't have to take all these horrible feelings on because of what happened to you all those years ago. You sound like your a great dad. See it as it is (in a healthy way), your not heading down to the school to say "don't mess with my kid, mees with me instead" your going down there to make sure your kid has some one looking out for him, which is something you were robbed of.

Oh yeah, another thing that came to mind with your wife. When you say you get angry when she says she will be home and isn't home but if she were to be home when she said you would be just fine. That may be from your dad leaving. Dare I say abandonment issues (again, I'm not a mental health professional) possibly. Anger is another form of hurt, so when she isn't there maybe you are just getting those same feelings but since you are older now, they come out as anger. Maybe? I hope I am making some sense for you, and I hope I haven't said anything to upset you. That's not my intent.

:support:

 

[jsmith]

Thanks for the response and in a way yes it does make some sense.
In a way its like the issue with my dad has never gone. not because someone is constantly reminding me, but because maybe I can blame him. thats the problem isnt it. I blame him for how I feel.

Maybe in some way by me hanging onto it, I have an excuse? Im not sure, because at that age, would I have known that?

The feelings I get from my wife going, out are exactly the same as my mum going out when I was very young etc.

Its almost like ok here goes, my dad left and chose not to be with me. It hurt me alot and and although I never knew, maybe I kept saying its not my fault, its not my fault, but never actually believing that?? I Mean things have happened to me before that I knew were not my fault, but with the issue with my dad, im not sure if I did?

I get scared that its going to happen again, and when I say it what do I mean? For instance with my wife, the issue is not that she's going to leave me, yes I know it would hurt, but id get over it, its something else. Like the same with work, yes id get another job if it went wrong, but atleast it wasnt my fault?

When I look at my life, I react to everything, I wait until I Have to do something. Ive never left a job, ever in my life, and even if i did want to i wouldnt, id wait until I had to leave or they let me go. its almost as if atleast it wasnt my fault.

This is the problem i think, at least when things happen, i can say it wasnt my fault?

Ive constantly gone through life taking the blame to make sure it doesnt go wrong as if its not my fault if you see what i mean.

the thing with the argument with my wife and issue with my dad are the same

 

[Andy]

I think I get what you mean. As long as you know you didn't do anything wrong, then it's ok, your not to "blame" it's not your fault.

Aside from my opinion before I think it's kind of the same thing. You just switched the words.

I might be wrong about this feelings thing (mine are rather wonky) but this is the way I see it I guess. The feelings when your little are that of a child, but as you grow so do your feelings, they can be the same type of feelings but they are maturing with the person. ??? I don't think as achild you could grasp such complicated feelings. They would be like happy,sad,angry.

I don't know if you blame your dad for how you feel or if you blame yourself for everything that happened.
That is why I asked about therapy. This would be something they could help you figure out.

I'm worried that your taking what I am saying as professional advice. I mean obviously I don't sound professional lmao , it is just my opinion and it would be better to talk these things out with a therapist.

I think I do know what you mean, it's just so hard to say with old school emotions and the present ones. I mean they connect but where and why etc. I am to daft to know about all the complexities of that.:blush:

:support:

 

[jsmith]

I understand that you're not a therapist etc and I am grateful for your opinions, in a way by talking about it it is helping me to get it to grips.

I feel like I am stuck where it frist happened. Im not even sure how I feel, did I force my dad to go? No, i didnt. but there is something there that I cant explain, something that I hold on to. Its like maybe Im scared that it will go wrong if im not good enough. in a way this behaviour that I have created has grown with it all.

Like that row I mentioned I had with my wife, its like by making that breakfast i wasnt doing it just to make up and say sorry. Its like I did it to make sure if it went wrong it wasnt because it was my fault and it wasnt because i wasnt good enough?????

its like in everything I am doing its because of that. work, my wife, etc etc the issue isnt if it goes wrong, I just dont want it to be my fault because im not good enough.

If i say something else also, ive though of tracing my dad. but I dont know why. Im not soing it to play happy ever after. I cant ever see myself having a dad, and in a way im used to it.

If I found him I dont know what I want to achieve by it all? In a way I want to find him but I know it would go 1 of 2 ways, he would either say to me, ok it was my fault, I was to blame for what happened, it was nothing to do with you, it mas all me. or he could say no sorry I dont want to see you anymore, go away.

Now, out of the 2 reactions, Im not sure which one I want to hear? I have had therapy but its clearly not really helped.

I dont know why im so stuck with what happened?????

I HATE IT. its stopping me from living. I swear that its like this situation with the row with my wife, the thing with my dad is all the same, it was my reaction to it.

Even at work I constantly do things to try and prove im good enough, or what ever 'it' is im doing. with my wife, its the same and ill do as much as i can but in a way it makes me feel so empty because of the reason I do it.

Why cant I just move on? I know the last place my dad lived, and I know that there are 2 people in the town with his name, and in a way i want to ring them, but dont know why.

The other thing is that he knows where we last lived, he knows that my older brother lives in the house we grew up at and so if he wanted to he could try and find us.

but for some reason im stuck there with not accepting that. its like if i accept that he doesnt want to see me then I have to move on, but I really want to, i just dont know why?

 

[Andy]

I'm not sure jsmith. You said you did therapy before and it didn't work. Did you do it for long? I mean these things take time, not just a couple sessions. Maybe it would be worth trying it again?

I think that going to therapy and sorting things out with yourself would be a smart thing to do if you decide you want to go see your father and then maybe again afterwards. I know nothing about how I would feel in that kind of situation but if it is something you decide I would go into it with the lowest expectations possible and if he wants to be back in your life, it should be on him to prove to you that he is worth coming into your life. If he doesn't want to be in your life, at least you won't have the raised expectations, know what I mean.