Yesterday, my mother told me not to call her anymore. I am a 44 year old, whose father, 11 years ago, said the same thing. You could say, I am the only "normal" person out of my family..3 siblings...all who I don't talk to either. I have 3 kids, 2 with Aspergers...and the best husband in the world. I am just overwhelmed with the emotional pain I am in. I keep getting knocked down.
- Thread starter daisy
- Start date
Always Changing
MVP
Re: Can't breath
Hi Daisy,, welcome to pl,
I am sorry you are in such pain right now :hug:.
Do you have someone you can call for support around this? Maybe a Therapist\counselor?. Someone who maybe know the ins and outs of your relationship with your mother and who can maybe help you to cope at this time.
Hi Daisy,, welcome to pl,
I am sorry you are in such pain right now :hug:.
Do you have someone you can call for support around this? Maybe a Therapist\counselor?. Someone who maybe know the ins and outs of your relationship with your mother and who can maybe help you to cope at this time.
Re: Can't breath
I just have my husband. He always says I don't deserve what they dish out. But come on. My mother has been in and out of psych wards, even had Electric therapy 20 years ago. I have been her mother all my life, saved her life 3 years ago...forcing her to go to the ER which they found lung cancer...which after moving her into my house and driving her an hour to the hospital for radiation every day, she has won that battle. I can explain more but I have to run to the DR. for pain in my neck/from a disk surgery I had a year ago.
I just have my husband. He always says I don't deserve what they dish out. But come on. My mother has been in and out of psych wards, even had Electric therapy 20 years ago. I have been her mother all my life, saved her life 3 years ago...forcing her to go to the ER which they found lung cancer...which after moving her into my house and driving her an hour to the hospital for radiation every day, she has won that battle. I can explain more but I have to run to the DR. for pain in my neck/from a disk surgery I had a year ago.
Daisy - I get it hurts. Probably a lot. My guess, although I certainly could be wrong, is that you can't let go of your mother - likely cuz you couldn't bond with her, as a daughter, in the first place. I get that she is your last familial contact. But other than that, do you really want to be in touch with her? Maybe time to collect information about a loving relationship from your husband .... Take care.
Yes, Dragonfly. Your right on all accounts. Although...truth be told, I am soooo done with the drama. It's just a sorta grieving over the death of a family member. Since it just happened yesterday, it's to fresh of a stab to move so quickly on. I am very blessed to have my husband, who grew up loved and well taken care of. Without him, I am nothing. He is trying his best to support me through this. Thanks for your support.
Hi daisy,
You say it's like grieving the death of a family member, and that makes great sense. It sounds like it absolutely is. Being told by a parent not to contact them is so contrary to how we as humans survive and thrive. It sounds like you have a very supportive family and husband and as Dragonfly says it might be time to focus on that relationship.
The other thing I wanted to mention in regards to grieving is to remember that there are several stages of grief (according to Elizabeth Kubler-Ross)...denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. These stages are not sequential or time specific - expect to feel all of these things perhaps more than once as you try and go about your life in a different way and know that it's ok to grieve and experience these emotions.
Take care.
You say it's like grieving the death of a family member, and that makes great sense. It sounds like it absolutely is. Being told by a parent not to contact them is so contrary to how we as humans survive and thrive. It sounds like you have a very supportive family and husband and as Dragonfly says it might be time to focus on that relationship.
The other thing I wanted to mention in regards to grieving is to remember that there are several stages of grief (according to Elizabeth Kubler-Ross)...denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. These stages are not sequential or time specific - expect to feel all of these things perhaps more than once as you try and go about your life in a different way and know that it's ok to grieve and experience these emotions.
Take care.
Lucky for me, I was going to school to be a psychologist myself, and have read so many books on psychology I know inside and out what kind of relationship I have had to have with my family. That's why I stick out like a sore thumb to all of them. I do not stand for the mind games/demands they require. Anyone who interacts with me would never guess the torment I have lived through. On the other hand, I know the torment way to much. I know in my head, not having contact with these people is the best thing for me....It's my heart and my dreams of trying to cling onto my family. I know, it will never be...so I just need to let that dream go...and move on. I am just stuck with pain right now...and have experienced a bit of anger...and acceptance. It just still hurts...I have NO family...Of course I have my 3 kids and husband...and that's most important to me.
Ya...unfortunately family dynamics aren't always the greatest or what we hope or dream they would be. We always envision our family there to protect us, look after us, support us, etc. When things go awry for whatever reason, it changes our entire concept of family. The head knowledge of knowing what's best is so hard to separate from the heart feelings of wanting that love, affection, and emotional attachment.
I hope you can find some peace in all this at some point.
I hope you can find some peace in all this at some point.
forgetmenot
MVP
Hun you are something okay YOur mother has harmed you long enough hun let go okay
Maybe then she will see that you are not a thing to be manipulated or used
You moving on will give you a sense of strength really.
If and when your mother comes calling back and she will you set boundaries major boundaries okay so she won't harm you again
Hugs to you
You have a family now hun a beautiful family one that you have always deserved hugs.
THANK YOU ECLIPSE!!!! I do set boundaries thats why no one in my family talks to me. I am the black sheep...cause I live in reality, when all they do is play mind games, are so co-dependent and VERY unhealthy emotionally. I am the child who would do anything for all of them, but I am always looking like the bad guy. I have 3 kids, who are in catholic schools... I have had mobile therapists come to my house for years, cause 2 of my kids have aspergers and ODD...and these therapists know everything about me and have said we are excilent parents. I know it's not me. I have gotten A LOT of helpful input on this website. And I thank you all.
forgetmenot
MVP
i can relate hun to some of what you have written
i do so much for my side of family yet even tonight i am yelled at by my mother awww i know too it is not me but the pain still hurts i get that hun Try not to let her words affect you so hugs to you
i do so much for my side of family yet even tonight i am yelled at by my mother awww i know too it is not me but the pain still hurts i get that hun Try not to let her words affect you so hugs to you
So, I'm not the only one?? I have, after 11 years, totally let go of my dad. What bothers me most is seeing other people have relationships with their families. I guess you can say I am jealous of people. Not over something stupid like a new car...but a FAMILY. A FAMILY...roots, a place to come home to, Ya know?? How do I help myself get through those feelings??? The holidays are right around the corner......and it's gonna be hard. I have always yearned for a loving, supportive family....how do I not want that? There is nothing that makes that yearning go away....I just...I just don't know how to make my heart better!!!!!
forgetmenot
MVP
Hun i understand you make your heart better by looking at what you have now hun your family your real family something i tried so hard to get for me too You celebrate your holidays with joy and love with you children your husband the people who matter most to you hun your family okay they are your family now hugs
I can appreciate a lot of what you are saying. Today is my birthday and I dared to hope for the umpteenth time that my dad would call me and he didn't. Since I moved away eight years ago he has phoned me exactly two times. When I go visit he doesn't bother to pick me up at the airport. He sends his wife. He rarely replies to my emails. But then when we actually do connect, he complains that I don't stay in touch with him. Letting go doesn't mean forgetting, or forgiving, or even giving up. It means changing your expectations so that when what you want or hope for doesn't happen, it doesn't devastate you. Yes, I thought about my dad last night, knowing he wouldn't bother to call or even email today. I even cried a bit. I haven't let go because every year I hope he might actually remember my birthday. And it's not like we had a big falling out or anything. He just really sucks at being a dad and I can't accept that.
So...you ask how to not want that? I think it's normal and natural to want it, and even to a certain extent, need it. So maybe it's not about not wanting it, but rather about accepting that what you want or need isn't going to happen in the way you would hope for. It's about getting that need met from somewhere or someone else so you don't feel alone, rejected, and sad forever.
Not sure if that helps...but I hope something in there makes sense for ya.
I also wanted to say that I'm glad you see the unhealth in this and are determined to stay healthy yourself. You are definitely not alone in this. I get very upset when I see my friends with close relationships with their dad because I want that so bad. The most normal thing in the world should be for a parent to love their child unconditionally, and yet you've been rejected by both parents not for anything you think you have done but because of their issues. Remember that: it is THEIR issues that have created this divide, and you can't make their problems your problems.
Does it make it easier? Not really...but sometimes you have to separate the heart from the head to keep yourself sane. It still hurts, but when you separate the two, you can make decisions and see things without the emotion, which tends to help, I think...
Does it make it easier? Not really...but sometimes you have to separate the heart from the head to keep yourself sane. It still hurts, but when you separate the two, you can make decisions and see things without the emotion, which tends to help, I think...
Your all right!!!! I KNOW that. And since it's been 11 years without a dad, I know what I need to do. I will do it, cause the drama/craziness is so unhealthy for me. I have been married for 21 years...and I do have the best/healthy relationship with my husband. I get to see how his family supports each other...and while it's heart warming...at times jealous enters my mind. I can do this and get on with my life. Thank you all for reminding me I'm OK...it's their problems...not ME!!!
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