Capricous behaviour

[Drewau2005]

Hi,

Thanks in advance for your comments.

My problem is that my fiancee seems to swing from being all over me to chastising me for 'not doing enough' or 'not appreciating what she does'. I find her claims incredible, not only because they are inaccurate but beacuse they seemingly come out of nowhere and without warning. The last time was two weeks ago when we went to dinner and the cinema, everything was perfect and she held my hand all night. I drove her home and we kissed goodnight. The next day she sent me a text saying that her 'love for me grew everday'. I sent her a text back saying 'I loved her too'. The next day I sent her a text saying we should get soup, as the weather was cold. Her reply text was, 'since July the only people who have provided her soup was the Unemeployment Office and her family' I was gobsmacked by that reply for a number of reasons. First I have paid for everything, almost without fail, since we have been going out as well as provide her with funds for various things and expensive presents. (she has been unemployed since July). Also I asked her to marry me in September and she accepted and I agreed to support her completely when we are married, which is supposed to be in March. This I might add includes taking on debts that she has built up. The second reason I was astounded with her reply was that she had told me that she had been estranged from her family for ten years and if she ever got sick not to tell them. So I asked if she had been talking to her family and she said she had since I proposed. Since then I have sent her flowers and said I am there for her and reiterated my love and support, but she responds with curt texts or not at all. I have tried to call, and her phone is either turned off or she won't answer and she never calls back if I leave a message. I literally don't know what is happening here, we have had many many months of a strong loving relationship and much fun and now this comes out of the blue. What do I do? Please help.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

As painful as this must be, better to find out what you're dealing with before rather than after marriage.

What is "many months"? How long have you known her? Do you know any of her friends? Have you ever met any of her family? I think you need to at the very least find out who she is before you even think of going through with that wedding.

 

[Jazzey]

Hi D - I'm sorry that you're going through this. I think Dr. Baxter's questions are all relevant....Unfortunately, until you can speak with your fiancee, you won't have the answers to your questions.

She's the holder of those answers and she isn't sharing just yet. The nice thing is that, when she's ready, and since she loves you (as demonstrated in her accepting your proposal), she will eventually give you those answers. My instinct (and that's all it can be for now) is that you give her the space she's obviously seeking. Why else would she have cut you off? How long has it been since you've spoken with her? Maybe you could write her a letter where you tell her how you feel and, that for the time being at least, you will provide her with a little space. Invite her to communicate with you when and if she's ready.

...One thing I might add, if I may, is that you may want to refrain from telling her that you feel you've supported her financially as much as you have. My inclination is that you've done all of these things because you were demonstrating your love - I don't believe that you really care about the financial assistance you've given her (or maybe you do?).

From past experience, I'm a little touchy when the man in my life refers to the financials because it was never an expectation and, let's face it, we do the things we do because we're in love....no other reason. When we offer that partner the things we do, we're not "supposed" to expect exact reciprocation (even though sometimes, human nature gets in the way). All of this said with the greatest of respect.

 

[Drewau2005]

Thank you for your replies. I haven't made a big point of the financial support only in response to her saying that "I had not done enough." She says her previous boyfriend left and took her money and left her with debts. I want to believe her but I am not sure how you can incur debts in another's name unless that person is a signatory. Anyway I do love her but her cutting me off is incredibly painful. I have sent her flowers and reminded her of the great times that we have shared but all to no avail. She seems to compartmentalize what she tells her friends, that is some know some things but no one knows all. Also, as I mentioned in my previous post, she has said that she has had no contact with her family for years and now all of a sudden she is speaking with them, and they are saying I have not done enough. I am ceratinly not a psychologist but I wonder if there might be abuse here, that is she has nothing to do with her family due to abuse, she is the youngest girl of 6, her elder sister is disabled and the others are all boys. They are from a remote area. Now she contacts them again and tells them she is getting married and they so doubt in her mind. She doesn't seem to process a lot of things logically and she has said to me in the past 'if I ever get sick I don't want my family to know'. So it seems very strange that they are now back on the picture.
Do you have any thoughts on this scenario?
Many thanks

 

[Lana]

Hi Drew;

First, welcome to Psychlinks. Sorry to hear that what brought you here is a very difficult, and without a doubt, painful sitatuion.

I think you've received great feedback from some of our members already so I don't really have much to add. But I was curious...What do YOU think is going on? What is your gut telling you? What kind of answer and/or reassurance do you hope to find here?

What I'm getting at with all these questions is where you stand in all this. I know you love her and are willing to support her, but I am sure that you yourself have needs and expectations of her. What are they? Are they being met? What are your boundaries in this relationshp? How much is too much and how much is not enough??

 

[Jazzey]

I'm sorry D - I wasn't implying that you had (re: financials). I was more concerned with the fact that, in anger, we sometimes let these things slip out. I'm a firm believer that there are things that scar a relationship and that you can never completely take back - this is one of those things for me. Because at the next turn, when that someone does something for you, you'll always fear that they are resentful of doing it. If that makes sense?

As for your question on incurring a debt - the only thing I can think of is if they were living together (common law type situation). But again, this will all depend on the laws of the area where you are...And again, I'm not sure that it's necessarily relevant to what you're trying to accomplish. You've decided that you love her, warts and all, debt or no debt.

Anyway I do love her but her cutting me off is incredibly painful. I have sent her flowers and reminded her of the great times that we have shared but all to no avail

I know that her cutting you off is painful. Sounds to me like you've done a lot in recent times to facilitate an open dialogue.

As for her family being back in the picture, I can't offer too much on this. Are they or were they abusive? Hard to know without knowing more about the family dynamic. There is such a thing as "toxicity" - for instance, when a parent plants seeds of doubt in a child's mind, irrespective of their age, about their ineptitudes. Another example of toxicity would be to be controlling on the child, making them feel guilt when the child isn't doing what the parent wants them to do. I appreciate that I'm being very general here - but toxicity, as I understand it, takes on many forms.

What do you mean when you say: "she tells them she is getting married and they so doubt in her mind"? Has she actually told you that her family feels that you haven't done enough?

In any event, I know that you're looking for answers to explain her behavior. But, I think that you're analyzing this situation without having the benefit of the proper tools. You've gone to a hockey game with a baseball bat. From my perspective, while I appreciate that you think that you desperately want answers to all of these questions, are those really your questions. Or, are they rather: "Does she still love me?", "Are we getting married?", "why is she cutting me off?". Any other scenario you create at this point is speculation. As I suggested earlier, and I wish I had a better answer for you, you're going to have to wait for her to answer these questions.

As Dr. Baxter suggested to you in his post, you are better seeing this side of her BEFORE the marriage. Sometimes, when we're in these situations, we can't see the situation with any real objectivity. Maybe use this time to sit back, look at the whole picture and ask yourself some really tough questions about this relationship and where you truly want to go with it....

 

[Drewau2005]

Hi thank you again for your thoughts. To answer some of the points that you have raised: Lana I am really at a loss as to what is going on as the comments and texts that she sent to me unsolicited leading up to this cahnge have been incredibly warm and loving. My gut says she has some doubt but where it comes from and what I can do to assuage it, I am at a loss.
Jazzey your thoughts about 'toxicity' are interesting. I do get the impression that she is always trying to be right when often she isn't. I haven't pointed this out, out of love. I meant to type 'sew' doubt rarther that 'so' doubt in my previous post.

 

[Jazzey]

I meant to type 'sew' doubt rarther that 'so' doubt in my previous post.

Yes, I'd gathered that....

Lana has posted some really good questions at the end of her post. I hope that you'll turn your mind to these in the near future.

 

[Drewau2005]

My needs of support and love were being met until recently but 'going to ground' has killled me. It throws everything else into question and I am unsure what the truth is anymore.

 

[Jazzey]

...I'm sorry D. I wish I had something concrete to offer you that could make you feel better, even if only for a little while. Unfortunately, these things are always difficult.

And yes, they always call into question where lies the truth. A while ago now, I was engaged to someone and living (what I thought) was happily with him. I soon discovered that he'd been unfaithful for quite some time - it put everything into question for me. But, as difficult as it was at the time, I can look at the situation now and be grateful that I discovered his true character prior to the wedding (we were only a few short months away from the wedding). To be clear, there were other issues I discovered other than his infidelity (drug use - cocaine).

But, keep your chin up - you don't know what the future holds. She may provide you with a rational explanation for her behaviors, or not; you may decide that she wasn't the one after all; etc...That's the beauty of life - you never know what's around the next turn.

How long has it been since you've talked to her?

 

[Drewau2005]

Thank you Jazzey. I am sorry to hear of your situation, that must have been incredibly painful.
I havem't actually spoke with her for a week and a half now but she did send me a text last Friday saying 'I recieved your letter today and know it is written with love. Please respect that I need space to digest/process what it means in reality'. In the letter I reiterated that I would support her financially and emotionally. Since then I have texted her twice, emailed her once and sent her more flowers. I have heard nothing else.

 

[Jazzey]

It was difficult at the time D but, as they say, "time heals".

It sounds to me as though she's told you what she needs from you - a little space. If you pursue her too much now, you run the risk of having her leave on a more permanent basis...just sayin'. Some people get a little panicky when their space is being constantly usurped. Again, I say this completely recognizing that it's contingent on her and her personality.

Maybe now you just need to step back a little and wait for her to give you the signal that it's ok to contact her again...

 

[Lana]

My gut says she has some doubt but where it comes from and what I can do to assuage it, I am at a loss.

I think that your gut is no longer yours, Drew. It seems that even your gut is trying to rationalize why her behavior is acceptable or reasonable, or somehow explainable.

In a way, that "rationalization" is a type of an answer to your questions, though not a literal answer. If you can, try to listen to your gut, the one that speaks to you and about you, not her.

Have you tried telling her how you feel about the situation? I don't mean love letter, but one where you state that you find this behaviour upsetting and would very much like to talk to her about it and find out what has brought it on? Also, if you two are to be married and something again triggers her defences, how will you both approach the issue then? If this is something to be expected then may I suggest getting a "his" and "her" psychologist as part of the package....you'll both need one as silent treatments can be deadly to even the best of relationships.

 

[Drewau2005]

Thanks Jazzey. I won't contact her again but the pain I am feeling is enormous.

 

[Jazzey]

....Have you read Lana's post? She has some really good points in there. I agree with Lana that you've turned your attention entirely at your fiancee's wishes and needs without really acknowledging where you are in the process...

 

[Drewau2005]

Thanks Lana. Yes I have expressed in emails and texts that her behaviour is very upsetting. Also some weeks ago I gave her some money to see a psychologist. Her beahviour is geeable than it it turns.

 

[Lana]

I'm sorry you're hurting, Drew :hug:

 

[Drewau2005]

Thank you. Yes I am actually devastated.

 

[Jazzey]

Be good to yourself D.

 

[Drewau2005]

Thank you.