Cheating

[Debra]

Are there any men out there that can devote themselves to one woman? Why is it so difficult for men to be satisfied being with one woman possibly for the rest of their lives? Why do men leave or cheat on their girlfirends or spouses with younger woman? What is wrong with an older woman who keeps herself fit and attractive and still loves sex? She has the same or more than a younger woman. Please, does anyone know what the problem is?


P.S. I am not a victim this time. Have been and now its difficult for me to trust anyone. Especially, that I am getting older now.

Thank you, Deb

 

[Eunoia]

yes. there are men out there who don't cheat. some men cheat, some women cheat, but many men and women don't cheat. there is nothing wrong at all w/ "an older woman who keeps herself fit and attractive"... actually, I'd say you should be proud of the fact that you take care of yourself, emotionally and physically. I don't think there's any use going into what younger women have that older women don't or vice versa, it all depends on the woman herself. what you do have at this point in your life is a clear idea of what you want out of a committed relationship, which should help you bypass those partners that are in it for something else. It makes sense why trusting someone would be difficult after having been cheated on, b/c you had your trust betrayed, but sadly there aren't really any guarantees on these things, only good judgment and leaps of faith. Have you ever tried to work through your feelings of being cheated on ie. w/ a counsellor? That may help (w/ future relationships)....

 

[Debra]

No I have not been to therapy re: Cheating. I do not trust easily and when someone earns my trust, as in the past, I give myself 99.9 percent and then to have it destroyed is just devastating. I am in a relationship now and he is a great guy but I am very cautious as to trust. In my past experience, I could not believe how many married men suggested or actually cheated on their wives. With keeping so many things to myself about coworkers because I felt it was none of my business but to see that almost every married man in my office at the time had the thought or potential to cheat was just mind boggling. Trust me.....this was concrete evidence. I know their are woman out there that cheat also. I just don't know how to build back my confidence and trust. I'm making my boyfriend crazy with this although he does understand. I want him to want to come home......always!! Society just puts so much focus on the younger or young like thats all that matters in this world. Its such a shame. Especially for us 40 and over woman.

Thank you for your response.

 

[Eunoia]

mmh...well do you think counselling may be an option to work through those trust issues? especially if it is affecting an intact relationship at the moment? maybe even couples counselling? sometimes it's better to work on these things b/f they do actually start affecting you even more and potentially leading to even more problems.... the whole trust thing is a very crucial part of relationships. I hope you can get some help w/ that.

 

[Debra]

I hope I can work through these issues also. I didnot want to get into another serious relationship after my last long one but unfortunately it happened. I have been to counceling before and it was not for me. I tried three or four different counselors from men and woman and didn't like it. Hearing the problems or issues come out of my mouth to a stranger.....just didn't work for me. I actually had the last woman counselor tell me I didn't need counseling. So now, I try to work things out by myself or with the help of your forum, which has helped me in the past.
I just wish I could be more care free and not put so much thought into things. At this time in my life I want to enjoy, be happy. I'll work on it. Thanks again for your responses. Have a great New Year!

Deb

 

[Lana]

Hi Debra;
I agree with Eunoia, it would probably do a world of good if you were able to find someone to work on trust issues.

I didnot want to get into another serious relationship after my last long one but unfortunately it happened

Unfortunate? Do you really feel that way? Perhaps this is a bit more simpler then issues with fidelity. Maybe, suspicions of infidelity is a reason to end a relationship you did not want in the first place.

I may be wrong, but it seems that part of the trust issue is that you don't appear to trust yourself very well. Try not to generalize things too much. Not ALL men are cheaters. I understand that you were hurt by infidelity in your previous relationship, but that man does not represent the entire male race. Please try not to blame your current partner for your ex's problems. Imagine if the roles were reversed where your current partner was always suspicious and did not trust you because his pervious partner did it to him.

As for conseling. It's that generalizing thing again. One conselor may have felt that you didn't need counseling, but that does not reflect opinions of others. She did not and does not speak for all profesionals. Keep in mind that to receive counseling, you will need to trust the therapist, and let go of generalizations.

 

[Debra]

Its not unfortunate that I fell in love with this man, my mistake in wording. I do trust him almost 100% and I do not nag him or follow him or question him. I know this is my issue and I've talked to him about it and he is willing to help me through it. I do not like counseling, its not for me. I appreciate the responses and the help. I trust myself because I know how it feels to be cheated on and would never hurt him that way, nor do I have any interest. I am completely happy with him. Just men in general have alot of issues when it comes to staying with one woman and sex. Its ashame but its true. As I said its my issues, he gives me no reason to worry. I'll do my best to work it out.

Thank you