David Baxter PhD
Late Founder
Choosing Life Over Perfectionism
By Jill, I'm Listening Now Blog
September 7, 2010
If Nietzsche was correct then ?the court of perfectionism is always in session?. I never thought I had an issue with perfectionism until I started listening to what Michelle Russell had to say. Michelle writes about the high price of perfectionism and she got me thinking about perfectionism in a whole new light. I asked Michelle five questions about perfectionism and listening. Here?s what she had to say.
Let?s start with a nice broad question. What is listening, to you?
First, there?s the obvious distinction between hearing and listening. Hearing is just a function of the ears, nerves and brain?we can perceive sounds without absorbing any of their meaning. But when we listen, we process what we hear and start to comprehend it. Hearing is passive, but listening is active.
Beyond that, I think there are two types of listening. The more superficial type happens when we take in the basic, literal meaning of what we hear, and not much else. ?She says she doesn?t want to go tonight.? When we?re distracted or stressed, this might be all we?re capable of.
Deeper listening is when we pay attention to things like cause and effect and nonverbal cues. It?s when our attention, reasoning and intuition let us see past what?s been said??Hey, you were so excited about this party! Is everything okay??
We also use the word ?listening? to describe more amorphous kinds of awareness, probably because hearing is such an important sense to us humans. That?s when we talk about listening to things like our bodies, our gut feelings, or our best judgment.
If I had to boil it all down to a brief definition, I?d say that listening is the process of paying active attention to what our ears (and sometimes our other senses) are telling us.
We all have beliefs about our world ? the events we observe and participate in, the people we see and interact with. If we want to truly listen to someone, how do we do that without letting our own beliefs and judgements get in the way?
That?s a great question, and a really important one. For me, what usually works is reminding myself that no matter what I might think, other people are doing the best they can any given moment.
I don?t know what forces are at play in their lives. But I do know that people always act in the best way they?re capable of, based on their cultural and social upbringing, their interpersonal skills, whatever emotional baggage they might be carrying, etc.
I think it?s important to give people the benefit of the doubt, and to ask questions about what they?re experiencing if it?s appropriate?that?s where the listening comes in. What looks like self-centered behavior to us might be the only coping mechanism someone knows when under stress, or their seemingly irrational actions might be based on a belief or point of view we don?t share.
Another thing I do to stop being too judgmental is to recognize that truth is relative and multifaceted. It?s like the old parable about the three blind men and the elephant, where each thought it was something different depending on what part of the elephant he touched.
Another good analogy is water. It can be icy or wet or steamy depending on the conditions you?re seeing it under, but it?s always good old H2O. If we look at it under the microscope, we see something else entirely?but it?s still water.
Truth can change its form and still be true. If we can be humble enough to admit that we don?t have a monopoly on truth, that takes us a long way down the road to empathy, compassion, and non-judgment.
Here at I?m Listening, we encourage people to take action (session 4 of I?m Listening Now downloads). How can people do that if they?re scared of not doing things perfectly? Frightened they?ll make a mistake? (and please try to answer without using the words ?feel the fear and do it anyway?!)
The first thing I want to say here is that shifting those deeply grooved patterns is a long and gradual process, so the main thing is to refrain from beating yourself up because you don?t think you?re changing fast enough!
That said, the first step is learning to just notice when perfectionism arises. It?s a sneaky beast?it can disguise itself as procrastination, fear, pride, anxiety, anger, and many other things. If you can reach the point where you?re self-aware enough to recognize, in the moment, when your need to do things perfectly is getting in your own way, then you?re doing fabulously. Really. Self-awareness is very, very difficult.
From there, you can start to give yourself little pep talks about how your worth as a person isn?t based on what you do, but who you are. It?s not like I?m an expert at this yet, either?I struggle with it every single day. It takes a lot of patience.
Think of your own best friend. What would you tell her if she came to you criticizing herself using the same words that you?re telling yourself in your own mind? How would you explain to him why he is such a wonderful person intrinsically, regardless of the situation he?s in?
Start saying those things to yourself. Be your own best friend.
Some people like to repeat affirmations. Others like to journal, or practice visualization, or get out of their heads and into their bodies through movement or exercise. You can meditate, or create art, or give some time and energy to causes that make you feel good. There are many ways to rewrite those outdated mental scripts you?re reading to yourself. Find the ones that work best for you, and don?t be afraid to experiment.
If you?re a person who feels compassion for the plight of others or are a ?doer?, how do you ?just listen? and not try to fix their issues?
Oh, do I struggle with this one, too! Part of the ?fix-it? compulsion comes from our innate compassion, but some of it goes right back to equating our self-worth with our actions. We think we always have to be problem-solving to be worthy of love and respect.
But if we understood how significant ?just? listening really is, we wouldn?t be so dismissive of it. I?ve only begun to work with this in a conscious way very recently myself. And what I?m noticing is interesting.
Even though we mean well when we try to fix things for other people, it can also be something of an escape mechanism for us. It?s much more comfortable running around and hammering nails than it is simply being present with someone and trying to understand why they feel their house is falling down around them.
But that?s exactly the kind of validation which will make someone feel we?re truly listening to them. Think about it. When you?re suffering, would you rather tell someone about it only to watch them jump up and scurry around trying to fix it for you, or would you rather have them sit quietly with you for a while first, trying to grasp the situation from your point of view and identify with you? Maybe even ask whether you want to be helped? Maybe they just want a listening ear. That might be the exact type of help they want right then.
I?m not saying that active aid is bad. It?s wonderful?when we have the proper foundation to base it on. And that foundation is built on deep listening and empathy.
I believe that at the core of each of us, we have an inner guide ? our inner wisdom ? that, if we can tune out the crap and tune into that voice, we can solve almost any problem. What is your response to that? And how does perfectionism get in the way of hearing that voice, and responding to it with appropriate action?
To the first question, I?d say it depends on how we define ?solving? a problem. If we remain rigid in our outlook, thinking we?ve solved a problem only when the solution looks like we originally imagined or expected it to, then we?ll be disappointed fairly often. But if we can remain flexible and allow our ideas to morph as our understanding changes, then we?re much more likely to succeed.
That also brings up a spiritual principle regarding success. There?s an old joke that goes, ?Do you want to make God laugh? Tell Him your plans.?
Whether or not you believe in God, I think you get the point. If we judge our success or failure according to outer appearances, we?ll ?fail? a lot of the time. But people who have achieved outwardly great things will tell you how many so-called failures were necessary stepping stones to their eventual accomplishments.
We can consider everything as a learning experience?and that?s where the inner wisdom you talk about comes in. I think of that internal guide as intuition, plugged into a higher source (however you want to conceptualize that). If we look at it that way, then true success comes not by solving our outer problems, but by immersing ourselves in the flow of experiences our inner guide wants us to have. Spiritually speaking, we?re talking about faith and surrender.
I actually think I?ve circled around your second question and answered it, too. Perfectionism gets in the way of hearing that inner voice by giving us tunnel vision; we have a very limited view of how things can work out satisfactorily, and how to get there. For us perfectionists, that usually involves forging madly ahead at 110% effort?a perfect way to lose touch with everything internal.
If we can loosen perfectionism?s stranglehold, we?ll be able to see workable alternate solutions. We?ll understand that sometimes what appears to be failure is really success from another angle. Our understanding will mature. We?ll be mentally and emotionally supple, so our actions will be more appropriate to whatever circumstances arise.
And we?ll be a whole lot more relaxed and happy.
Michelle Russell writes about the high price we pay for perfectionism and how to come to terms with the fact that life is, in fact, quite messy.
By Jill, I'm Listening Now Blog
September 7, 2010
If Nietzsche was correct then ?the court of perfectionism is always in session?. I never thought I had an issue with perfectionism until I started listening to what Michelle Russell had to say. Michelle writes about the high price of perfectionism and she got me thinking about perfectionism in a whole new light. I asked Michelle five questions about perfectionism and listening. Here?s what she had to say.
Let?s start with a nice broad question. What is listening, to you?
First, there?s the obvious distinction between hearing and listening. Hearing is just a function of the ears, nerves and brain?we can perceive sounds without absorbing any of their meaning. But when we listen, we process what we hear and start to comprehend it. Hearing is passive, but listening is active.
Beyond that, I think there are two types of listening. The more superficial type happens when we take in the basic, literal meaning of what we hear, and not much else. ?She says she doesn?t want to go tonight.? When we?re distracted or stressed, this might be all we?re capable of.
Deeper listening is when we pay attention to things like cause and effect and nonverbal cues. It?s when our attention, reasoning and intuition let us see past what?s been said??Hey, you were so excited about this party! Is everything okay??
We also use the word ?listening? to describe more amorphous kinds of awareness, probably because hearing is such an important sense to us humans. That?s when we talk about listening to things like our bodies, our gut feelings, or our best judgment.
If I had to boil it all down to a brief definition, I?d say that listening is the process of paying active attention to what our ears (and sometimes our other senses) are telling us.
We all have beliefs about our world ? the events we observe and participate in, the people we see and interact with. If we want to truly listen to someone, how do we do that without letting our own beliefs and judgements get in the way?
That?s a great question, and a really important one. For me, what usually works is reminding myself that no matter what I might think, other people are doing the best they can any given moment.
I don?t know what forces are at play in their lives. But I do know that people always act in the best way they?re capable of, based on their cultural and social upbringing, their interpersonal skills, whatever emotional baggage they might be carrying, etc.
I think it?s important to give people the benefit of the doubt, and to ask questions about what they?re experiencing if it?s appropriate?that?s where the listening comes in. What looks like self-centered behavior to us might be the only coping mechanism someone knows when under stress, or their seemingly irrational actions might be based on a belief or point of view we don?t share.
Another thing I do to stop being too judgmental is to recognize that truth is relative and multifaceted. It?s like the old parable about the three blind men and the elephant, where each thought it was something different depending on what part of the elephant he touched.
Another good analogy is water. It can be icy or wet or steamy depending on the conditions you?re seeing it under, but it?s always good old H2O. If we look at it under the microscope, we see something else entirely?but it?s still water.
Truth can change its form and still be true. If we can be humble enough to admit that we don?t have a monopoly on truth, that takes us a long way down the road to empathy, compassion, and non-judgment.
Here at I?m Listening, we encourage people to take action (session 4 of I?m Listening Now downloads). How can people do that if they?re scared of not doing things perfectly? Frightened they?ll make a mistake? (and please try to answer without using the words ?feel the fear and do it anyway?!)
The first thing I want to say here is that shifting those deeply grooved patterns is a long and gradual process, so the main thing is to refrain from beating yourself up because you don?t think you?re changing fast enough!
That said, the first step is learning to just notice when perfectionism arises. It?s a sneaky beast?it can disguise itself as procrastination, fear, pride, anxiety, anger, and many other things. If you can reach the point where you?re self-aware enough to recognize, in the moment, when your need to do things perfectly is getting in your own way, then you?re doing fabulously. Really. Self-awareness is very, very difficult.
From there, you can start to give yourself little pep talks about how your worth as a person isn?t based on what you do, but who you are. It?s not like I?m an expert at this yet, either?I struggle with it every single day. It takes a lot of patience.
Think of your own best friend. What would you tell her if she came to you criticizing herself using the same words that you?re telling yourself in your own mind? How would you explain to him why he is such a wonderful person intrinsically, regardless of the situation he?s in?
Start saying those things to yourself. Be your own best friend.
Some people like to repeat affirmations. Others like to journal, or practice visualization, or get out of their heads and into their bodies through movement or exercise. You can meditate, or create art, or give some time and energy to causes that make you feel good. There are many ways to rewrite those outdated mental scripts you?re reading to yourself. Find the ones that work best for you, and don?t be afraid to experiment.
If you?re a person who feels compassion for the plight of others or are a ?doer?, how do you ?just listen? and not try to fix their issues?
Oh, do I struggle with this one, too! Part of the ?fix-it? compulsion comes from our innate compassion, but some of it goes right back to equating our self-worth with our actions. We think we always have to be problem-solving to be worthy of love and respect.
But if we understood how significant ?just? listening really is, we wouldn?t be so dismissive of it. I?ve only begun to work with this in a conscious way very recently myself. And what I?m noticing is interesting.
Even though we mean well when we try to fix things for other people, it can also be something of an escape mechanism for us. It?s much more comfortable running around and hammering nails than it is simply being present with someone and trying to understand why they feel their house is falling down around them.
But that?s exactly the kind of validation which will make someone feel we?re truly listening to them. Think about it. When you?re suffering, would you rather tell someone about it only to watch them jump up and scurry around trying to fix it for you, or would you rather have them sit quietly with you for a while first, trying to grasp the situation from your point of view and identify with you? Maybe even ask whether you want to be helped? Maybe they just want a listening ear. That might be the exact type of help they want right then.
I?m not saying that active aid is bad. It?s wonderful?when we have the proper foundation to base it on. And that foundation is built on deep listening and empathy.
I believe that at the core of each of us, we have an inner guide ? our inner wisdom ? that, if we can tune out the crap and tune into that voice, we can solve almost any problem. What is your response to that? And how does perfectionism get in the way of hearing that voice, and responding to it with appropriate action?
To the first question, I?d say it depends on how we define ?solving? a problem. If we remain rigid in our outlook, thinking we?ve solved a problem only when the solution looks like we originally imagined or expected it to, then we?ll be disappointed fairly often. But if we can remain flexible and allow our ideas to morph as our understanding changes, then we?re much more likely to succeed.
That also brings up a spiritual principle regarding success. There?s an old joke that goes, ?Do you want to make God laugh? Tell Him your plans.?
Whether or not you believe in God, I think you get the point. If we judge our success or failure according to outer appearances, we?ll ?fail? a lot of the time. But people who have achieved outwardly great things will tell you how many so-called failures were necessary stepping stones to their eventual accomplishments.
We can consider everything as a learning experience?and that?s where the inner wisdom you talk about comes in. I think of that internal guide as intuition, plugged into a higher source (however you want to conceptualize that). If we look at it that way, then true success comes not by solving our outer problems, but by immersing ourselves in the flow of experiences our inner guide wants us to have. Spiritually speaking, we?re talking about faith and surrender.
I actually think I?ve circled around your second question and answered it, too. Perfectionism gets in the way of hearing that inner voice by giving us tunnel vision; we have a very limited view of how things can work out satisfactorily, and how to get there. For us perfectionists, that usually involves forging madly ahead at 110% effort?a perfect way to lose touch with everything internal.
If we can loosen perfectionism?s stranglehold, we?ll be able to see workable alternate solutions. We?ll understand that sometimes what appears to be failure is really success from another angle. Our understanding will mature. We?ll be mentally and emotionally supple, so our actions will be more appropriate to whatever circumstances arise.
And we?ll be a whole lot more relaxed and happy.
Michelle Russell writes about the high price we pay for perfectionism and how to come to terms with the fact that life is, in fact, quite messy.
