Christmas stress

[Darkside]

I've written about my daughter before so forgive me if this is a repeat of things I've posted before. It helps me cope with the anger and frustration I feel to write these posts.

So here it is Christmas Eve and my children are all at their mother's house. (150 miles away) They are coming to my house Friday or Saturday. But my daughter called me a few minutes ago hysterical. This time I didn't make the mistake of trying to fix it. I just listened. She has a difficult time with her relationship with her mother. Her mother yells and lectures her and will not listen to my daughter - so my daughter calls me. My daughter said all she wants is for her mother to say, "I love you and it will be alright." I asked her if she has ever told her that and she said, "yes, and so has our counselor." When she gets upset her mother yells at her instead of comforting her. According to my daughter, the counselor also recommended that when their arguments escalate they should take a break to calm down. My daughter told me when she tries to do that her mother refuses to let her have any time to calm down and pursues her. If not physically she does it by text messages. It torments my daughter and it breaks my heart. I told her that her mother is afraid ... that's why she can't let things go and uses anger to control.

My daughter is a bright girl and makes very good grades in school. But she has had a hard time with the SAT and ACT. She doesn't think she will get into the college she wants to attend. The only advice I offered her was to wait until she hears from the school and then I will drive up there with her and meet the Admissions Officer to find out what she needs to do to get into college. I think that is what they are fighting about now - her most recent score was only a slight improvement.

There's a lot of other stuff going on. Money is always a problem with her mother and she lives on the edge. Her house is under foreclosure and they will likely have to move sometime early next year.

These cycles occur over and over again. Sometimes once a month and sometimes separated by several months. I'm concerned for her mental health. She is depressed and anxious.

 

[MHealthJo]

I am so sorry Darkside.

I have had lots of worries in relation to my nieces who have had difficult times with their mother, to a lesser degree than this situation (usually) but somewhat in a similar vein. The fear, worry and stress for another adult who cares about a much-loved child, but who can't control or change another involved adult, can be a truly terrible thing.

It's such a complicated thing trying to figure out how to be there for her and be helpful in a situation like this, without adding negativity into the situation. I often can't quite figure out where those boundaries should be.... and for you with a divorce situation, even harder. For me I guess when I talk to my nieces, the person we are dealing with is my sister, and I'm allowed to have feelings and thoughts about my sister I guess, and the things I deal with with her are often going to be the same issues my nieces are dealing with... It's so hard trying to work out how to teach or assist a child, while trying not to undermine the parent or like, put the kid in a stressful 'feeling in the middle' situation?? I can never figure out the boundaries perfectly there or like, feel totally confident and at ease with it.

At the end of the day though, when it's a situation of the KID bringing up a stressful situation to you, I guess that changes it a bit... it's not like, the 'good parent' going out of their way to 'badmouth' the other parent, or something.

I guess I also find I feel a little more OK about talking about things in terms of 'consequences, facts, realities'..... Like, realities of life are just things to be learned, and it feels sort of 'okay' to teach them....

I guess for example if I were to say: "At times I've found I need to remove myself from a situation, if the other person has become abusive and won't allow any space and won't make the decision to back away and calm down. At times that has included temporarily blocking a phone number, or leaving a phone at home and going for a walk around the block (if it's safe).... I have found that if I consistently create space and refuse to stay present when certain behaviour happens and when a certain line is crossed, after a while the person may tend to think a bit more about what they do and the direction they are going to go....

"And either way, it keeps my stress level much lower and feels healthier for me, and helps me feel that I'm not allowing harm to myself - it sends a positive message to me about my worth and how I deserve to be treated, and that's very important. And eventually that message comes across to others too.

"It also just helps there to be a certain boundary between my feelings / health, and the behaviour of another person, and that can be a really important thing - Just to not feel totally at the mercy of someone else's problem."

.... Like if I can put it in terms of just my own experiences, it becomes simply me sharing something that I'm allowed to share.

It also helps me feel like, maybe something positive can come from a difficult situation. There will be times in future that my nieces will need to know how to protect, look after, and value themselves, and opportunities to learn about this can teach them how. That helps me feel a little less worried and negative about it. Especially when I see them seem to experience benefits from learning some stuff and feeling like they've got options.

It's really so hard. Hang in there Darkside.

 

[making_art]

MHJo has some good suggestions for how your daughter can protect and take care of herself. There have been times when a relative of mine has had difficulties with a spouse etc and as much as I want to help there is nothing I can do most times.... so I listen. Listening and validating how hard it is for them and how frustrated etc it must feel for them can be hard sometimes too. Especially when it is the same stuff over and over.

Most often I redirect them to speak to a therapist/counsellor because I don't know what to say or do for them. I sometimes have to say, "I don't know how to help you because I am not a therapist."

It is very hard to watch someone you love suffer......but.... this is your daughter's journey regarding her relationship with her mother and the best you can do is focus on your relationship with her. If you are concerned about her then direct and assist her to the professionals she needs to help her.