Cigarettes

[AmZ]

Saturday night, I needed to let my hair down and do something from self-harming. Something with my hands. Something to distract me. I was going stir crazy with the thoughts of self-harming.

I have not smoked cigarettes since I was 16 and now I've started pretty much chain smoking and I can feel the addiction setting in.

I told myself that when I go back to the rehab program, I want to return to my healthy eating regime and as I am registered as disabled, I get a very cheap monthly membership at the local gym.

But now I've started smoking. They're called 'Black Devil' and the filter paper has a chocolate taste... Who can resist?!

But damn, I've smoked about thirty since Saturday night. All I hear outside is people coughing up phlegm (sorry) and its really disgusting.

My grandmother died of lung cancer too and my other grandmother died of cancer but a different kind.

I'm mostly smoking out of boredom and I have to admit, a cigarette in the morning with a coffee is nice and a cigarette at bedtime is nice too.

But darn, it's the last thing I thought I would do. It's so unhealthy.

I hope that I will be able to go back to the rehab program and stop smoking. I don't want to fool myself. If I had the option of smoking just one in the morning and one at night at bedtime then I'd do so but I'm too much of a substance abuser to do that I think.

I guess I should just finish the pack and be done with it. It's silly.

 

[Banned]

If your intention is to not smoke anymore why not just throw them out?

 

[Katieann]

AmZ... have you seen the pseudo cigarettes that give off grey mist and even have a little burner on the end? I haven't tried
one - but they look kinda neat... if you're searching for a ritual that's comforting, but not harmful... you could check it out...
I quit smoking in 2003, and I've found that my anxiety just bounces around to other things I can have too much of...wine... snack
food.... yikes..
Katie Ann

 

[AmZ]

I don't know Turtle, it's kind of twisted logic. I will ideally (and I'm not saying it's highly possible) stop smoking when I leave the hospital on Sunday and I won't feel the need to smoke in the rehab program.

It's largely to do with boredom as to why I am smoking now, I know, find another hobby like ant collecting or something!

And I enjoy the social aspect of it. Sitting with five other screwed up people at 2am speaking about what brought us here and all the rest of it.

It's not like that in the rehab program. We are put together like sisters and not like 'other sick patients'.

So yes, twisted logic but I hope I'll be able to succeed in smoking as less as possible and stop when I go to the rehab program.

Yes I've heard and seen these electrical cigarettes. If I feel like I get addicted to smoking, which I don't know if I am or not now, I will make sure to do all I can to stop because (ironically) I don't want to smoke.

 

[Banned]

It's not twisted logic. It's excuses...boredom, social aspect...

Either you want to quit or not...

 

[AmZ]

It's not twisted logic. It's excuses...boredom, social aspect...

Either you want to quit or not...

True. I don't know. I just think to myself that my life is screwed up anyway and I have no future so enjoy the present with cigarettes and be done with it. I've smoked 43 in 3 days.

Maybe it's like another way of self-harming to me or maybe that sounds stupid. At least it is extremely unhealthy and self-destructive.

I'm bored, depressed, don't care about myself... I don't know what else I can say.

It's 1.15am. Did all I could again to have a good nights sleep and I've failed big time. Another panic attack and just taken Clonazepam. What a darn mess.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

It's 1.15am. Did all I could again to have a good nights sleep and I've failed big time.

Cigarettes = Nicotine. Nicotine is a stimulant.

 

[AmZ]

It also calms me though. And the last cigarette I had was at 9.30pm and now it's 1.30am.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

No. It feels like it calms you. Nicotine doesn't do that. It's an illusion.

 

[AmZ]

No. It feels like it calms you. Nicotine doesn't do that. It's an illusion.

Interesting. Thank you. I have 3 left and will then stop. I know it's really not good for me. A lifetime of smoking is something I don't want.

 

[Katieann]

What I remember from smoking is that I did love the repetitive ritual - found it comforting... but the nicotine was not a pleasant
feeling . I can feel my heart racing...and when I smoked too much it kept me awake at night...during exams I had a small basket of gum and hard candy at my desk... by the end of exams my jaw was so tired it was kinda just hanging! But my body felt very tired, but good...I mentioned the
electric cigarette as a possible middle stage.. like the Patch or Nicorettes gum... for some people it helps. But others are cold turkey
types and prefer not to "hang on"... I had a terrible tooth problem and couldn't eat or smoke for three days.. so that gave me the
kick start...

Everybody's a little different... whatever works for you, AmZ... carry on!

Katieann

 

[AmZ]

Thanks Katieann.

Well, it's 5.30am, hardly slept all night.

Just had a coffee, a small piece of chocolate and a Black Devil cigarette. I have to say it was quite enjoyable. Lightheadedness etc.

I'd ideally smoke just one in the morning and maybe one another time of the day or not. But I know that people become addicted and no doubt, I wouldn't be able to keep to that. So two cigarettes left and we'll see what happens.