David Baxter PhD
Late Founder
Click on caution for online dating
By Chris Zdeb, Edmonton Journal
July 24, 2012
Experts offer tips for success in search for a worthy partner
Her daughter?s new boyfriend was never available weekends, never introduced her to his friends or family, never took her to his place, and turned his phone away so she couldn?t see who he was texting.
After eight weeks, Catherine Martin?s mom-radar was screaming there must be a wife or other women in his life. Why wasn?t her adult daughter?s warning system doing the same thing?
?I encouraged her to press him about meeting his family,? Martin says. ?She did, and he broke off their relationship immediately. I am sure it was because he needed to ensure his two separate worlds would not collide.?
Martin?s daughter met her guy online ? one in five relationships these days start on the Internet ? but Edmonton registered psychologist Ganz Ferrance hears similar stories from people who first meet face-to-face as well.
?You don?t have to go online to find a creep,? he says. It?s just more likely that you could because of the anonymity of the Internet.
Online, the only input you get about someone is what they themselves provide. You don?t have the benefit of being able to observe someone and how they interact with others as you would with people you meet through work, school or church. That?s a real disadvantage because 80 per cent of the information we take in about things is visual, Ferrance says.
People who are 35-40 or older tend to be wary of online stuff because it?s new to them, Ferrance says. People under the age of 35 and especially anybody in their 20s who has grown up with the Internet are more trusting.
Younger people also tend to be more naive because they don?t have a lot of relationship experience.
Because the Internet is so popular and draws so many people, ?You do have that vulnerable percentage of people that will flock to this as well,? Ferrance warns. ?And where a lot of sheep are gathered in one place, wolves also are going to gather.?
That warning is echoed by the police. Take your time and don?t jump in with both feet right away, advises acting staff sergeant Dave Radmanovich with the Edmonton Police Service.
?Everyone has to be cautious when using the Internet. You just can?t take it at face value,? he says. ?With online dating, its intended purpose is good, but there?s always the dark side, the people who prey on the innocent and the vulnerable. It can be very damning and it can be very dangerous.?
Case in point: Edmonton convicted killer Mark Twitchell who posed as a woman on an online dating site to lure victim Johnny Altinger to his death.
The first thing you should do if someone you?re interested gives you their first and last name is to Google it, enclosing it with quotation marks and localizing the search to Edmonton. Just about everyone has a presence on the Internet, Radmanovich says.
Do some research. If they have a dating profile that includes a facebook link, check it out. You can hire a private investigator to check someone out as well, but if you?re suspicious enough to do that why bother with the relationship?
?I?ve had friends who?ve got married who met their husbands or wives online,? Radmanovich says.
?They were cautious, took their time, asked the right questions at the right time, eventually met in a public place, and had a plan telling a friend or family member where they were going, with whom, and what time they expected to be home ? normal, common sense safety practice.?
Ferrance adds this advice that he gives his clients: ?the idea of dating is not to get into a relationship, it?s to get to know the other individual to see whether or not they?re worthy of getting into a relationship with you, and that?s it.?
Tell the person you?re not looking for a relationship right now, you just want to meet people and get to know them. It takes the desperation out of dating and gives you some space, which enables Ferrance?s other advice to kick in: love yourself and trust your gut.
?At any level, no matter how deep you are in: third date, first date, just chatting online, if you?re exclusive with the person, if you?re getting a bad vibe, if your gut is telling you this isn?t working for you or you?re feeling uncomfortable or you?re unsure, you probably need to get out, because in a healthy relationship, your gut will feel comfortable,? Ferrance explains.
Also, believing that you are incomplete if you don?t have a relationship can cause you to miss what your gut, or your common sense, is telling you or to override it, Ferrance adds.
That?s why some women who are competent in other areas of their lives can seem so dumb when it comes to dating, he explains. ?They figure, I?ve done all this other stuff, but somehow I can?t get this part of my life together, so something must be wrong with me. If I can get this then, I?m OK.?
No relationship is better than a bad relationship, Ferrance says, ?but most people don?t think so, so they put up with a lot of stuff they wouldn?t tolerate in other areas of their lives.?
Be comfortable with who you are and with your single life, he advises.
Listening to your mother or others who care about you, is also a good idea.
Catherine Martin thinks her daughter was lucky she only had her heart broken. ?It could have been a lot worse.?
By Chris Zdeb, Edmonton Journal
July 24, 2012
Experts offer tips for success in search for a worthy partner
Her daughter?s new boyfriend was never available weekends, never introduced her to his friends or family, never took her to his place, and turned his phone away so she couldn?t see who he was texting.
After eight weeks, Catherine Martin?s mom-radar was screaming there must be a wife or other women in his life. Why wasn?t her adult daughter?s warning system doing the same thing?
?I encouraged her to press him about meeting his family,? Martin says. ?She did, and he broke off their relationship immediately. I am sure it was because he needed to ensure his two separate worlds would not collide.?
Martin?s daughter met her guy online ? one in five relationships these days start on the Internet ? but Edmonton registered psychologist Ganz Ferrance hears similar stories from people who first meet face-to-face as well.
?You don?t have to go online to find a creep,? he says. It?s just more likely that you could because of the anonymity of the Internet.
Online, the only input you get about someone is what they themselves provide. You don?t have the benefit of being able to observe someone and how they interact with others as you would with people you meet through work, school or church. That?s a real disadvantage because 80 per cent of the information we take in about things is visual, Ferrance says.
People who are 35-40 or older tend to be wary of online stuff because it?s new to them, Ferrance says. People under the age of 35 and especially anybody in their 20s who has grown up with the Internet are more trusting.
Younger people also tend to be more naive because they don?t have a lot of relationship experience.
Because the Internet is so popular and draws so many people, ?You do have that vulnerable percentage of people that will flock to this as well,? Ferrance warns. ?And where a lot of sheep are gathered in one place, wolves also are going to gather.?
That warning is echoed by the police. Take your time and don?t jump in with both feet right away, advises acting staff sergeant Dave Radmanovich with the Edmonton Police Service.
?Everyone has to be cautious when using the Internet. You just can?t take it at face value,? he says. ?With online dating, its intended purpose is good, but there?s always the dark side, the people who prey on the innocent and the vulnerable. It can be very damning and it can be very dangerous.?
Case in point: Edmonton convicted killer Mark Twitchell who posed as a woman on an online dating site to lure victim Johnny Altinger to his death.
The first thing you should do if someone you?re interested gives you their first and last name is to Google it, enclosing it with quotation marks and localizing the search to Edmonton. Just about everyone has a presence on the Internet, Radmanovich says.
Do some research. If they have a dating profile that includes a facebook link, check it out. You can hire a private investigator to check someone out as well, but if you?re suspicious enough to do that why bother with the relationship?
?I?ve had friends who?ve got married who met their husbands or wives online,? Radmanovich says.
?They were cautious, took their time, asked the right questions at the right time, eventually met in a public place, and had a plan telling a friend or family member where they were going, with whom, and what time they expected to be home ? normal, common sense safety practice.?
Ferrance adds this advice that he gives his clients: ?the idea of dating is not to get into a relationship, it?s to get to know the other individual to see whether or not they?re worthy of getting into a relationship with you, and that?s it.?
Tell the person you?re not looking for a relationship right now, you just want to meet people and get to know them. It takes the desperation out of dating and gives you some space, which enables Ferrance?s other advice to kick in: love yourself and trust your gut.
?At any level, no matter how deep you are in: third date, first date, just chatting online, if you?re exclusive with the person, if you?re getting a bad vibe, if your gut is telling you this isn?t working for you or you?re feeling uncomfortable or you?re unsure, you probably need to get out, because in a healthy relationship, your gut will feel comfortable,? Ferrance explains.
Also, believing that you are incomplete if you don?t have a relationship can cause you to miss what your gut, or your common sense, is telling you or to override it, Ferrance adds.
That?s why some women who are competent in other areas of their lives can seem so dumb when it comes to dating, he explains. ?They figure, I?ve done all this other stuff, but somehow I can?t get this part of my life together, so something must be wrong with me. If I can get this then, I?m OK.?
No relationship is better than a bad relationship, Ferrance says, ?but most people don?t think so, so they put up with a lot of stuff they wouldn?t tolerate in other areas of their lives.?
Be comfortable with who you are and with your single life, he advises.
Listening to your mother or others who care about you, is also a good idea.
Catherine Martin thinks her daughter was lucky she only had her heart broken. ?It could have been a lot worse.?
!
