Closed or open ward

[AmZ]

I don't know why I am so indecisive and can't decide on what to do.

The self-harming urges have continued from yesterday and I simply want to self-harm, I don't want to go to the closed ward.

I know that's twisted logic. I think of doing something hidden then being asked to move there for the night. But I know that's dumb too because it totally defeats the object.

Grr.

 

[Retired]

I don't know why I am so indecisive and can't decide on what to do.

Perhaps because one option seems as unacceptable as the other.

It would be like trying to decide whether you would prefer to hit your head against a stone wall or hit your thumb with a hammer!

To me the solution to your dilemma would be to seek therapeutic strategies to replace the self injurious behaviour with healthy ways of dealing with your issues for which you currently use SI for comfort.

That would require change in your orientation, by being forthright with your doctors and commit to the treatment they provide, and until that happens, it seems you could be destined to repeating the same self destructive behaviour that brought you to this very dilemma.

 

[AmZ]

I see what you mean. Thx Steve.

I've asked about coping techniques and ways to distract myself. I didn't get much out of my therapist so I looked it up myself, but most of them, I need to be in the room to do and they kicked us out 40 mins ago until after dinner
so all I'm thinking is to go somewhere to find myself something to hurt myself with.

It's overwhelming me, the wish to hurt myself.

I spoke with the nurse and told her what is going on and she said it's either closed ward time, or 2mg Clonazepam time. I just want to hurt myself a bit. Damn.

---------- Post Merged at 08:03 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 04:44 PM ----------

So I managed no closed ward and no self-harming and no Clonazepam.

I'm still intensely wanting to SI though and it's driving me crazy.

---------- Post Merged at 09:02 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 04:44 PM ----------

9pm and feeling it physically. Anxiety also. Feel nauseous. Stomach ache. Faint. Guess its time to take the Clonazepam at least.

I took the Valproic Acid (I'm up to 800mg so far) an hour ago and the nurse who I was speaking to earlier about self-harming was giving out the meds. She asked how I was and I said no good. Thats how far it's gone.

Don't want to struggle and feel like this.

Feel like I just need to cry to be honest. Maybe that will be in place of self-harming but I can't seem to get myself to cry.

It's all just a nightmare I want to be over.

 

[GDPR]

Is there any way you can take those feelings and beat the hell out of a pillow or something to release them? Or maybe start journaling about something really sad? Cause sometimes when I journal about something that makes me sad, and I start crying, then I end up crying over other things,and everything that has been building up comes out too.

 

[AmZ]

Thx for the tips.

I have a blog that I post to at least once a day. It's an outlet but not quite enough. I can also write to my psychologist here at the hospital as she gave me her email address but she doesn't check it every day.

I had a hallucination again (first was a year and a half ago) about thousands of ants on the floor and I was wide awake like last time it was 3pm and I hadn't been or going to sleep.

To me, it just happened in times of extreme high anxiety so I put it down to that but I got called to do a large staff (and patient) meeting today and they asked lots of questions about these hallucinations. Then they asked about my anxiety in the last couple of days and that there has been a dip in my mood too.

They said "we'll think about it" and I am yet to see what that means. Whether changing or adding meds or giving me another diagnosis.

 

[AmZ]

So, the 'thinking' part was to do with the medications. They raised the Prozac from 40mg to 60mg and decreased the Seroquel gradually down to 150mg from 600mg. I'll be on 150mg for a few days, then they may half that or do something with that before finishing it completely.

Self-injurious thinking is high today and I am battling it. Or should I not be doing that? I told the nurse what happened.

I went to the mall today. I saw a care worker that I used to have whilst I had left the hospital several months ago and was with a different organisation. She was like "ah, you're living in the apartment you moved in to!?" - I was like, err, no, in hospital. It kind of triggered me. I've since been in hospital for a further several months. I lasted two weeks when I was with this organisation then I went back in to hospital for a few months until I came out again and went in to the rehabilitation program. Then had the two months in the rehabilitation program and 2 months back in hospital now - tough going.

{Unnecessary triggering details removed}

The urges to do something are very strong but I have to really keep a hold of it and not do anything.

 

[GDPR]

Maybe a closed ward would be the best decision for now,since you keep going in circles.

 

[AmZ]

Maybe a closed ward would be the best decision for now,since you keep going in circles.

Lots of circles, I agree. But I am doing better than I am doing worse.

For now, it's the open ward (was in the closed ward) and we'll see what happens. If I keep going back there then I'm never going to leave the hospital! I've been back for 2 months already and was here for 14 months before! Crazy.

 

[AmZ]

I'm really struggling and now crying I'm so frustrated with this.

My date to go back to the rehab program is the 11th September. So less than one and a half weeks time. Even before I knew this date, I've been struggling with thoughts of self-harming.

It has been a week or so of intensive thoughts about it.

I just went to the nurses and they asked me to hand in all things I could hurt myself with so did that. But I am inventive. Sorry to say it. But that's not the end of the tools.

I either:
1. Self-harm and tell nobody
2. Manage to keep on not doing anything EVEN WHEN IT JUST FEELS LIKE A MATTER OF TIME until something happens.
3. Self-harm (I want to) and then go and tell the nurses, be moved to the closed ward/zoo for the rest of my hospitalisation and hinder my chances at keeping my spot in the rehab program.
4. Voluntarilly move myself to the zoo. Come out after a day or two and want to self-harm a week later and come back to the same place. Deja vu.

I don't see how I'm meant to deal with this. Short term and long term.

Thx.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

This should be a very clear indication to you that you are not at all close to being ready to go back to the rehab program. Accept this and tell your case workers at the hospital and have them relay the information to the rehab program.

 

[AmZ]

This should be a very clear indication to you that you are not at all close to being ready to go back to the rehab program. Accept this and tell your case workers at the hospital and have them relay the information to the rehab program.

Thanks for the reply.

According to the law, the rehab program have only got to keep my place open to me for 3 months. I've been back in hospital for more than 2 1/2 months. If I don't go back within this time then my place becomes open and filled by someone else.

I'm debating with what you are saying (which will mean giving up my place in the rehab program) vs thinking that I may as well give it a shot and go back there. What's the worst that can happen? (Unless I become suicidal again that is).

 

[David Baxter PhD]

According to the law, the rehab program have only got to keep my place open to me for 3 months. I've been back in hospital for more than 2 1/2 months. If I don't go back within this time then my place becomes open and filled by someone else.

And? All that means is you continue your program in hospital, which you obviously need to do, and wait until you're ready and another place in the rehab opens up.

I'm debating with what you are saying (which will mean giving up my place in the rehab program) vs thinking that I may as well give it a shot and go back there. What's the worst that can happen? (Unless I become suicidal again that is).

How or why would things be any different this time than last time? You're not ready to leave the hospital. Period. One day you will be but not yet.

The worst that could happen? You start SI-ing again on a regular basis, your mood swings become even worse than they are now, you become (not if) suicidal again, etc., etc., and then you return to the hospital again feeling like a failure and even worse than you do now.

Why set yourself up for certain failure? What could you possibly gain by that?

 

[AmZ]

I agreed with everything that you said. Thanks for the reply Dr Baxter.

I'm obviously not seeing things clearly. But like you say, perhaps it's no surprise as I'm already feeling like a failure, let alone in having more future hospitalisations. Maybe it's just for the best that I stay here for now.

But there are some things that I've got to get a control of in order to stay here. Like I can't keep putting on weight as its bringing me down even more. Im that immobilethst when I get up to walk, my knees hurt me etc and I'm only 27 years old. And some other stuff too. I feel like I'm rotting away here in some respects.

I hope that I can at least put a stop to the self-harming. But it worries me that it's something so ingrained in me that I'm going to find it very hard to stop.

The nurse just came in. Finishing her shift so doing room checks. Saw I was awake laying in the darkness and told me not to worry again.

I'm a worryer. Don't know how tonight's sleep will go.

Feel like a failure, like this is going to be something chronic for the rest of my life, like I'm weak, I'm scared about giving up one day, too soon, having a short life, being hospitalised all the time, never succeeding in anything in my life, never being strong and sane enough to have my own family. It goes on and on.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I'm a worryer. Don't know how tonight's sleep will go.

Feel like a failure, like this is going to be something chronic for the rest of my life, like I'm weak, I'm scared about giving up one day, too soon, having a short life, being hospitalised all the time, never succeeding in anything in my life, never being strong and sane enough to have my own family. It goes on and on.

Start by setting (short-term) goals that are realistic and attainable for you so you don't add more to the list of things you think you've failed at.

 

[Cat Dancer]

I'm sorry if I made you feel hopeless about the self injury. I do believe it is something you can gain control of. I believe it is something I can gain control of. It's just rough going sometimes. We're both having some rough times, but that doesn't mean it will always be this way. Hang in there and I think you really need to just take some deep breaths and let go of the rehab program for now. It's just not time for that, but this doesn't mean it's out forever, just for now. My heart really goes out to you. I wish I had a magic potion for us to get well all at once, but it doesn't work like that.

 

[AmZ]

Thank you Dr Baxter and CD.

Really appreciate it.

I don't think I'm stable enough to go to the rehab program now. Feeling very off and all over the place.

Woke up at 5.30am after waking up several times during the night and went and sat in the nurses office not feeling good. And the nurse finishes his shift in another 40 minutes. He was sleeping in his chair and trying his best to open his eyes and ask me if I'm ok. He asked me if I was ok and I said that it's very difficult for me now and I'm not feeling great. I left because he dozed off again.

6.20am and having a chocolate bar and coffee. Asking for it. To put on weight. Tut tut.

My short term goal is to make it through today without self-harming or being moved to the closed ward.

Thanks CD. I know you'd love to be able to help me and I'd love to be able to help you. You didn't make me feel hopeless about the self harming. Don't you worry. A magic potion would be marvellous. Let me know if you ever find it

---------- Post Merged at 04:29 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 06:27 AM ----------

So it's 4pm and I am gradually making it through the day. It's really very difficult. Everyone are in their rooms sleeping. But I can't manage to sleep during the day.

I've spoken to two nurses about my dialema. They both had opposite point of views and I can see both of their arguments.

I have a meeting this Wednesday at the rehab program. There are 4 staff members coming from the hospital and there will be the manager and my psychologist from the rehab program there. The meeting is to do with how they can help me at the rehab program. Maybe I'll see how I feel between now and then. But maybe I should cancel the meeting already. The nurse I spoke to now said that I should return to the rehab program and give it a go. At the worst, I come back to the hospital for a day or two once the self-harm thoughts have gone. But they're with me a lot. Not just once every few months.

Very confused as to what to do. With little time to decide what to do. This Wednesday is the meeting and Tuesday 11th September is my move back date.

---------- Post Merged at 06:00 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 06:27 AM ----------

That's it from me guys. I messed up.

 

[AmZ]

In the closed ward

 

[midnightstar]

Oh dear AmZ what happened? Are you still there? Are you ok?

*sorry newbie so don't know the full story*

 

[David Baxter PhD]

No, this was 10 days ago and she was out the following day.

 

[AmZ]

Thanks for your concern. I am since out yes. And not planning in going back either!