Clueless

[Sylvia]

spring is here, I wear short sleeves...people see the red marks and yet they say nothing. I don't know what I think of this. Whether it is good or bad that my secret is still mine alone. I feel like everyone is clueless. Either that or they just want to be. I don't know... Do you?

I'm clueless to because I don't know what I want to becomeof all this. yet if I tell someone that I no longer have the choice of what happens next. Sometimes I wonder if life is just a sick game we play...sometimes I don't know what to think when I feel nothing but numbness. Which is almost like feeling nothing at all like being dead but your heart still beats yet you feel as though you have no purpose. That is how I feel right. No one cares so I wonder whyI write this.perhaps it is because I want to know that there someone out there who knows what it means to feel like I do. Why do I choose such an unhealthy habit that has become more of an addiction to find relief more than anything else?I feel so lost clueless and empty!

what does it matter everyone's clueless.... I don't know how to help myself and they don't know how to help me. Here I go again lost in a circle that is unbroken and never ends. It is only self-hate that repeats and repeats. It is why and started cutting after all. It is why am depressed. Sometimes I feel like I can never get away.

any comments are welcome I just had to get things off my chest. Perhaps you could tell me if you experience this in someway or if you have any advice.

~Sylvia

 

[David Baxter PhD]

clueless

Maybe it's related to the numbness you feel? A way to feel something, if only briefly?

You're description reminds me of the symptom called "anhedonia" with elements of detachment and flat affect... do you have a history of depression and/or any treatment for depression? and are you currently seeing a therapist or taking medication?

 

[ThatLady]

clueless

People are often loathe to comment on things they are uncomfortable with. It may not be that the people who see the marks on your arms are clueless. They may just be trying to be tactful, or to avoid the subject altogether. It's a human trait.

 

[Sylvia]

clueless

I gave in last night and cut myself. I felt so bad and I just don't know how to cope! I was doing so well for a while because I hadn't injured myself in two months. I'm so stupid! Why can't I deal with this? I wish I wasn't so afraid to get help.

~ Sylvia

 

[ThatLady]

clueless

You're not stupid, hon. You're just in crisis and untreated. You're trying to cope with something that's beyond your ability to handle. We're not professionals. We're sufferers. We need to turn to the professionals for help with our suffering. That doesn't make us stupid, by any means.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

clueless

I'd also add, Sylvia, that if you lasted 2 months I would encourage you to look at this incident as just a slip, not a failure. That is characteristic of many people in therapy or recovery and it definitely does NOT mean that you are not on the right track or not moving in a positive direction.

 

[Daniel E.]

clueless

That is characteristic of many people in therapy or recovery and it definitely does NOT mean that you are not on the right track or not moving in a positive direction.

Also, with experience, it usually gets easier to bounce back when major or minor relapses occur. "That which does not kill you makes you stronger" (from Nietzsche, who survived almost a lifetime of migranes and depression).

 

[Sylvia]

clueless

I want to tell my therapist about my self injury I am afraid to. She will be away for three weeks and she told me that subconsciously her leaving is why I feel much more depressed than usual. I had not thought I was so attached. I also afraid that her leaving will cause me to fall back into a pattern self injury after which I won't stop for some time.

What am I to do with myself? I need to know how to cope in her absence!

~ Sylvia

 

[David Baxter PhD]

clueless

Did she not leave you with the name of a backup therapist in case you need to talk with someone while she's away? That is (or should be) standard practice. If she hasn't done this yet, ask her to do so.

Alternatively, look for crisis lines in your area...

 

[Sylvia]

clueless

I now have replacement four when my therapist is a way. For some reason I'm still nervous about it though. I hate feeling so needy like a five-year-old child. My therapist seems to be the only one I could talk to.

I have become too dependent on the feeling that self injury brings.I won't be able to break it for some time now. My therapist leaves this week and it will be what will keep me alive while she's away...what a horrid truth!

~ Sylvia

 

[David Baxter PhD]

clueless

It may true, Sylvia, that for the time being you are dependent on A therapist but not necessarily on THE therapist that you normally see...

I'm not at all discounting the importance of the trusting relationship you have with your therapist, but if she has recommended someone for you to see while she is on vacation, trust her judgement. I doubt that she would have suggested someone she didn't have confidence in.

I know that when I am in that position, I don't recommend just anyone -- I would only recommend someone and knew and trusted and respected as a therapist.

 

[Sylvia]

clueless

I keep on drifting trying to except my feelings as they come. But it's all not quite that easy. I can't seem to cope like this it only becomes more difficult. I need to build up the greater tolerance I'm afraid that I might break. I just have this sinking feeling and the only problem is I don't know how to stop it. I don't know how to feel better and have relief from the pain I feel. It is almost as if I need to be taught how to not feel alive inside. Usually I find relief in cutting...there has to be some way to recover from this if I don't recover from it it will destroy me. Maybe not now but eventually.

~ Sylvia

 

[David Baxter PhD]

clueless

One of my favorite and often repeated quotes:

"Courage consists in holding on just one moment longer." - Albert Payson Terhune, The Heart of a Dog

 

[Sylvia]

clueless

that quote is beautiful. I have had courage so far to continue on living. How many moments can I suffer before I break? I honestly don't know...I fear such a thing will occur with time despite my attempts at preserving myself in one way or another be it healthy or unhealthy.does one lose courage in the moment they can't hold on one moment longer?I can see myself deteriorating and I feel like I have no control.

~ Sylvia

 

[David Baxter PhD]

clueless

If you continue to hold on just one moment longer, the moment you describe will never come. But what might come is rescue -- from yourself or from someone else.

 

[Sea Swirl]

Re: clueless

spring is here, I wear short sleeves...people see the red marks and yet they say nothing. I feel like everyone is clueless.

A lot of people are. I try not to show my scars, but they are pretty obvious still. I've found that it's usually the clueless people who comment on them. That's really embarrassing, when a person will actually point at it (This is a polite thing to do since... when?) and even ask me how I got them.
But I dunno who I'm more embarrassed for... myself? Or this moron for not knowing, and making a dope of himself for pointing and asking in front of everyone?
I know that when you're "in cutting," you get so deep in it that it's profound and all-affecting. It seems like, how could a person possibly not realize that I'm doing this? But cutting is not in the public eye like other disorders are. There really is a lack of awareness.

I don't know how to help myself and they don't know how to help me. Here I go again lost in a circle that is unbroken and never ends. It is only self-hate that repeats and repeats.

I'm sorry I have no answer or encouragement. Only that I know how you feel. (

Sometimes I feel like I can never get away.

Cutting is terrible this way because you have turned on yourself. I always said that I just needed to be saved from myself, or at least I needed a vacation from me.
You just have to hang in there. Think about getting help, at least someone you can talk to when you need an outlet for the feelings.
When I was in deep, it turned out I just needed a voice, someone to tell me not to do it. To tell me there was another way to express those emotions. It would have been much easier for me if I'd had a forum like this.