Constant struggle

[jojojossie]

everyday in recovery is a constant struggle. i woke up this morning in hell and couldn't force myself out of bed, i missed a test at university because i don't want to be seen by anyone looking the way i do.
i'm here and i'm miserable but i would rather be alive than dead, if not for me then for the sake of the people i love. at least i'm trying

 

[Retired]

Welcome to Psychlinks jojojossie!

Do you have any immediate support system in the way of family or trusted friends who can stay with you during these difficult times to provide the support you might need?

i would rather be alive than dead, if not for me then for the sake of the people i love

Are you saying that you may have thought about suicide at some point during these difficult times?

Psychlinks is here to help, to provide some of the support you might need, and perhaps provide some comfort and direction that might help overcome some of the challenges you are are currently facing.

Glad you found us.

Hope you find Psychlinks informative and enjoyable.

 

[Andy]

Welcome JoJoJossie

Some times you need to just let your self stay in bed. As long as it's not regular I mean. The fact that your trying is fantastic. I hope you continue to do so even if it's for the people you love. :support:

 

[jojojossie]

hi, thanks for your comments <3
at the begginning of the year i went into cardiac arrest and was hospitalised for the 4th time.
my mum is my best friend and has been the most amazing support to me over the past 4 years and i owe it to her and to the rest of my family and friends to try to find the will to be healthy again. i've put them all through hell and i hate myself for being a burden to them. so what i meant was even though gaining weight is making me miserable and i have lost all my self worth, i want to be alive, for them. and maybe one day in the future i'll genuinely want to be alive and healthy for myself as well

 

[Andy]

JoJoJossie,

That must have been scary going into cardiac arrest. I know when I had tachycardia it really scared me. I am glad your still with us.:goodjob:
That is great that you have such a close bond with your mother. Support is definitely something you will need if your going to get better. I am sure you were no burden to anyone, they were probably all happy to help because they love you. They are probably just worried sick about you and don't want to lose you.
As someone who has been there, can I just say that although it seems like you will be so miserable it's a fair trade. I mean it takes time to think like that but when you get there you will feel so much healthier, you will feel more alive and maybe even find that self worth you lost. No one is asking you to gain a tonne of weight. I have a deal with my psychiatrist and a set weight which is still underweight for me but it is where I feel ok at. Where I won't panic and I won't want to continue to lose. Just take it slow. Remember it's not a sentence where you are doomed to be obese. Just closer to a safer zone so you can get your brain functioning better and start to maybe get healthy in the mind as well with some therapy.

Anyway, I won't preach or anything. Your still so young. It's better to tackle this now then let it continue on. It only gets more pathetic as you get older and when you get older your not as likely to get help for it. In my experiences anyway, cause I'm an old fart...well compared to you anyway.

I hope in the future you do genuinely want to live and be healthy for yourself.
I think it is fantastic that you are trying to get healthy. It's a difficult process but if you have the supports and determination I am sure you can kick this.:goodjob:

Be well.:support: STP

 

[jojojossie]

i know, you're right, weight gain shouldn't feel like a sentence. i have always struggled to find a healthy medium when it comes to food and weight, i've never had a normal relationship with food. when i start to gain weight it leads to me feeling depressed which in turn makes me eat more and gain more weight, ultimately triggering my starvation all over again and this cycle has been repeating itself for years. my psychologist and i have also agreed on a goal weight that i'm not overly comfortable with but i will be able to deal with
it sounds like you're doing so well, i always feel inspired when i hear from people who are coming out the other end, just to know that it's achievable
thankyou for your words stp! x

 

[Ashley-Kate]

the feeling of depression will subside. Is it that much different then the feeling of depression that the anorexia itself causes. When you don'T reach a goal when the scale is not quite at the number you wanted it to be, when you are not eating right and your mind is simply blank because you can't think straight.. When the high of the anorexia drops and you are in a low.. The difference with the depression that comes with the weight gain is because in my opinion you have for so long convinced yourself that weight loss is good and weight gain is bad that your mind has to have time to correct that and it won't happen over night. And when it does happen when you start feeling ok with your weight and accept yourself for the size you should be and not the size you forced yourself to be , happyness will slowly replace the sadness you feel. be strong, you were in this for 4 years it is not only a couple of months that will reverse everything. just keep believing and don't give up!