Could Use Some Advice on My Mom

[texasgirl]

I know that it has been a long time since I posted but things have been really tough lately. I just got out of the hospital a couple of weeks ago and frankly I don't even remember why I went in. My family tells me (including my husband) that I was completely flipped out. Anyway, my mom had a stroke several months ago and has been living at our house since she got out of the hospital for the past five months. I have been trying to take care of her but I have to go back to work. My other brothers and sisters have been virtually no help (one brother took her in while I was in the hospital). She requires 24 hour supervision because of her mental state which means that I can't leave unless someone "spells" me. My husband, doctor, and I decided that we really need to look for a facility where she can be cared for. My problem is that I can't seem to get over the guilt about it - to the point where I am constantly thinking about suicide. I feel like a horrible daughter since I agreed to take her in, but I just can't handle it without breaking down. I haven't told her that we are looking to move her because I am too afraid of her sadness. I would rather be dead than hurt her which I know is not right. What can I do?

TG

 

[Yuray]

Will your mother require long term care? If it is only temporary until she is well enough to care for herself, she may understand somewhat. Is a family meeting to designate resposibilities possible?

 

[texasgirl]

She will require permanent care. I already had a meeting with my family and they pretty much dumped the whole thing on me unfortunately. I am just telling them now that I have to move her. It just makes me so sad for her because she likes my house and her room.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

She will require permanent care. I already had a meeting with my family and they pretty much dumped the whole thing on me unfortunately. I am just telling them now that I have to move her. It just makes me so sad for her because she likes my house and her room.

And that pretty much tells us that you're not the "horrible daughter" you think you are. You are probably the family member who is least able to provide home care for your mother yet the other family members have walked away from it saying it's all on your shoulders. If you are a "horrible daughter", what does that make them?

Additionally, if your mother requires that level of home care supervision, it's only a matter of time before she needs 24/7 nursing care anyway. The most you could do is postpone it - and that would be very much to the detriment of you and your family.

 

[Always Changing]

Also think ahead to.. if you do not move her and go back to work.. its possible that you could eventually end up blaming your mom and building resentment toward her. Then both you and her would be in an awful place and so would the rest of your family.
yes you are going to feel sad while you think on this. and also when you move her, its only narural that you would. I would hope though that you don't feel guilty as you are not doing anything wrong or detrimental to your mother here. Its not moving her that has the implications for all of ye.

Hope this helps a bit.

 

[forgetmenot]

Hi i know it is hard but i think once your mother sees the benefits of living in a retirement home she will even grow to like it hun. She will have more people to socialize with The staff will be there 24 hrs to help with any problems she has and you could visit hun take her out It will be best for everyone She probably does not want to be a burden to you either. You did your best now it is time to have others help her hugs to you

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

My feeling on the subject is that you tried. And it looks like no one else was going to step up so you did what you could until your energy and body couldn't take it anymore. You probably had some kind of bout of exhaustion. You're her daughter, not superhuman. At least you can tell your mom you tried and you love her, and she needs more care than is capable for one person to do alone. My grampa slowly started going downhill with Alzheimer's and it got sooo stressful for my gramma and my aunt moved in to help. My aunt and my gramma - TWO people, had a hard and exhausting time looking after him. And they were in a similar position as you are. I don't think any other family members helped out very much if at all. I tried one time to 'babysit' my grampa while my gramma and aunt went to a play another relative of ours was in (keep in mind I live about 9 hours away in a different province, because if I was closer I would have been helping out more). Holy cow, what a night that was for me! I don't know how one person could handle something like that, and they had TWO people there trying to give care 24/7...

 

[Andy]

Hi texasgirl, Sorry to hear about your mother, that has to be such a hard thing to have to see your mother go down hill like that and become quite helpless. Is she still able to communicate at all? Are you able to afford a homecare nurse? That can be an option as well, I know my mom had a respite nurse come in to her home once or twice a week so that she could have some time off.

I really think that your mother would not want to feel like a burden on you and although it may be terrifying for her to have to go to a care facility I think if you make sure she knows your not abandoning her there and that you WILL be by to visit regularly and perhaps take her out for the odd weekend or even just a day I think it will make the transition a little easier for her. I think a lot of elderly people (from being around old folks homes) are terrified of losing their independence and just being dumped and forgotten. If she KNOWS your still there then maybe it won't be to hard on her.

Obviously I don't know your mother so I don't "know" how she will feel but those are just some suggestions I can think of if you do choose to get her into a facility.

I can only imagine the guilt you must be feeling but a lot of people feel the same way with this decision. Just remember it's not something your doing to her, your doing it for her and she may not see that at first but once she gets settled in and you prove to her that your still there she will probably get comfortable again.

I'm sorry if this isn't much help, I wish you luck and remember this isn't something your doing to be malicious, your doing it out of love. :support:

 

[begonia]

Also, moving her is way to keep her safe. If she's able to get out of bed while she's living with you, she could wander outside, get lost, and get hurt further.

 

[texasgirl]

Thank you all so much for your kind words of support and advice. It really does help me! With respect to my mom, she is getting worse in the sense that she is very confused a lot of the time (and lucid in other times). The problem is that she cannot be left alone, can't dial a phone or even work the remote for her tv. She can't prepare food for herself or anything like that. But she doesn't realize how she is so she sees her behavior as "normal" in most cases. In any event, I was so frightened when she had the stroke and recovered (aka lived through it) that I wanted to take her into my house and have her therapists come to the house. And we have done that. But she has not really gotten much better in the past few months and the doctors say that she is probably "plateaued" at this point and appears to have dementia going on. Anyway she told me she wants to live longer and I don't want to be the cause of her dying sooner because I am moving her out of our house. I know that that is probably silly since I'm not, but she used to cry and cry and want to come home when she went to acute rehab after she had the stroke. Hopefully we can find her a good place.

TG

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

Well, dementia is tough for everyone, that's for sure... You aren't going to cause anyone to die sooner, in my opinion. You are going to be able to help her better and give her more quality of life when you are relaxed and well-rested, and not collapsing from exhaustion or anxiety. Your mom may not be fully aware of the past/present, but surely she would feel better knowing you are feeling well and are happy to see her. And you will also have better quality of life. It might be stressful for a while, because her stroke probably makes it harder to understand things. Is there anyway you could ask a care home if she can visit several times a week to see if she gets familiar with the place with the intent of moving in eventually?

Perhaps you can ask about alternatives. Can she stay in a group home? Can she stay/visit your house during the day but go to the carehome /group home at night? Can you take some of the bedding and curtains and furniture from her room to her new place? Can you put up photos and phone numbers and grandkid's drawings on the wall or on a corkboard?

Would it hurt to ask each of her children (your siblings) or grandchildren (who can drive) to visit your mom one day of the week? If they could even stay for about 30 minutes on their way home from work, or come to read to her after supper... Or play a simple card game, or go for a walk... If you are the only one doing all the work trying to take care of this issue, it is only fair to ask your siblings for help. It's one day a week for 30 minutes. Maybe have a Sunday Brunch every other weekend with everyone at someone's house (not always YOUR house, people can take turns)...

Just ask. It doesn't hurt to ask. Go to the sibling you think will most likely help you first. Then ask that sibling to call another family member. If all relatives in your mom's area come one day a week for 30 min out of their day, that would help. Perhaps you could tell your siblings that it would mean a lot to you not just to your mom, if they could all pitch in just a little bit, it would help share the load. It could be that they are having trouble dealing with their mom as she struggles with the after-effects of the stroke. They may be frightened of what's happening, they may worry she is going to have another stroke, or it makes them think about their own health issues and mortality. Perhaps if they realize they don't have to be around her for hours and hours and grieve about her and worry about her constantly and just spend 30 min once a week with her, they might be more helpful.

Everything can't just be placed on one person. Hope this helps a bit... :hug:

 

[texasgirl]

These are all good ideas. I will try again to talk to my siblings (there's 5 of us) but in all honesty, only one has been of any help at all. This was true when she was in the hospital as well. Bottom line is that my husband and I are going to have to make the hard decisions ourselves. I hold the Power of Attorney, even though we share in it, but they are just interested in inheritance unfortunately, so don't want her to spend her money when in their eyes she can stay at my house for free. That's the embarrassing part of it all - they are really just greedy. I do think that she might do better having people her own age around her. I will keep yall posted. Thanks again everyone,

TG