Couples Dealing with the Aftermath of Trauma

[David Baxter PhD]

A "Safe Couple Place" in the Aftermath of Trauma
By Suzanne Phillips, Psy.D., ABPP
September 21, 2009

Traumatic events “trap” people in time. They wall off the past and make the future seem impossible. Trauma always involves loss and for couples trauma often steals the “we” they once were. Recovery from trauma requires establishing safety, remembering and mourning and reconnection. While all of these components are crucial, there really is no rigid sequence to these stages. In fact, from that very first meeting, I am inviting couples to go back to empower themselves, so they can go forward. If a couple can find some strategies for feeling physically and psychologically safe together as they journey through recovery, it will fortify them.

An initial strategy for doing this is "Finding A Safe Couple Place", an exercise in the book, Healing Together: A Couple’s Guide to Coping with Trauma & Post-Traumatic Stress. In this strategy you are going to reclaim something that you had with your partner, specifically a safe and wonderful place. It belongs to you. It is part of the history you share.

Finding a Safe Couple Place
Try to remember a place that you associate with being happy, peaceful, and content with your partner. It might be a certain vacation, an apartment, a city, even a car. Once you have identified the place, just thinking ‘Bermuda,’ ‘the green Mustang,’ or ‘our place on Smith Street’ can bring you back to that feeling of safety.” Ask your partner if there is a place that he or she associates with your being together in a happy and contented way. Consider writing them down separately; if comfortable, share them.

Whether only one of you does this, both do it, your safe places match or there are two safe places, you have stepped into the past in a positive way and you have a strategy for taking a pause to help you through a difficult time. This may feel difficult for one or both of you because you feel so much is changed and lost. Consider this - When you reach behind the trauma to get a glimpse of who you were, you will get a glimpse of who you can be and more.

Suzanne B. Phillips, Psy.D., ABPP is a licensed psychologist. She is Adjunct Professor of Clinical Psychology in the Doctoral Program of Long Island University and on the faculty of the Post-Doctoral Programs of the Derner Institute of Adelphi University. Suzanne Phillips, PsyD and Dianne Kane are the authors of Healing Together: A Couple's Guide to Coping with Trauma and Post-Traumatic Stress. Learn more about their work at the Healing Together website.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Healing Together

Healing Together

Trauma can affect an intimate relationship in many ways. The fear, distrust, and alienation that trauma survivors often feel has an obvious affect on any close relationship, but especially the relationship to their partner or spouse. Insomnia, nightmares, changes in drinking or drug use, anxiety, depression, changes in communication, loss of interest in sex, and an increase in hostility and anger can all combine to make the partner of the trauma survivor feel pushed away, attacked, or confused.

If both partners experienced the trauma, it can be difficult for the partners to support each other in healing when they are struggling with their own loss or grief.
This book is targeted to the couple where either one or both of the partners have experienced recent trauma, and encourages couples to see their relationship as one of the strongest resources at their disposal in healing from the trauma. Research shows that the most common forms of trauma are witnessing someone being badly injured or killed, being involved in a fire, flood, or natural disaster, being involved in a life-threatening accident, and combat exposure. Other traumas may include serious health problems, the death or injury of a loved one, or being the victim of a crime.


Healing Together: A Couple's Guide to Coping with Trauma and Post-Traumatic Stress

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Can Couples Survive Trauma?

Can Couples Survive Trauma?
By Suzanne Phillips, Psy.D., ABPP
September 13, 2009

We are all aware in the media as well as through personal contacts of relationships that seem to have failed in the aftermath of tragic loss, combat stress, natural disaster or trauma of some kind. It makes us wonder -Can a couple survive trauma? Can they hold on to their bond in the face of unimaginable pain and loss? The answer is ?Yes? . While a couple?s relationship will often suffer the greatest blow in the aftermath of trauma ? it can often be the greatest source of support, resilience and recovery.

Traumatic events are unexpected and unimagineable. They are those moments in life that no one sees coming. They are frightening and often overwhelming.They can make us question ourselves, other people, even God. ? How did this happen?? Traumatic events affect relationships because they rob partners of their sense of safety and trust. They alter what was familiar. Whether the trauma has happened to one or both partners, the relationship often becomes shaken.When a partner is hurt, grieving, having nightnares, too angry to speak or too sad to hope both partners struggle and suffer. For a time they seem unable to find the ? we? they once were.

After working with couples for years, we found that when couples understand the nature of trauma and its impact on them, when they are able to make meaning of what they are experiencing,learn new strategies, remember their resiliencies, they are bettter able to cope and heal as individuals and as a couple.

Recovery after trauma is a process. It is the journey that you never expected to take. Empowering yourself by understanding what has happened is the crucial first step in this journey. For now start by remembering ? you have traveled together before. Yes you may fight along the way, you may get lost, you may even wonder if you should keep going ? but if there are rest stops, food for body and mind, a little music, some unexpected laughter, you will find the strength and strategies to stay connected - you will find the road for healing together.

 

[forgetmenot]

Re: Healing Together

I often wonder if my husband and i will ever get back what we had. So much has transpired between us. So many hurtful things have been said I know it is mostly my doing the seperation the pushing away. I just can't deal with relationship issues not when there is so much else to deal with. It hurts because i do see him trying to understand but i just can't let down that dam wall as it is safer with it up. Somehow i just can't accept he or anyone could actually care for me now. Trying to remember a time when we both were truly happy it was so long ago. Twenty two years of marriage and i just can't let him get close anymore i just don't want physical contact from anyone.
I don't think i ever did really.

 

[sky dancer]

Hi Violet,

My long term partner (of 24 years, now my legal spouse) and I went through a lot with my healing from Complex PTSD.

My parents were both mentally ill enough to be hospitalized psychiatrically for years and my childhood was very traumatic with foster care and abusive foster parents.

My mate was very patient, but some of my symptoms were hard to put up with. I developed an internet addiction to political forums and argued politics as a way to check out of my flashbacks and nightmares.

It was a way to numb out.

I just want to encourage you to hang in there. I haven't read your story fully, and I am just another person on the healing path.

Be well.

This is an excellent website and forum full of resources and positive energy. Thank you David Baxter.