Death and the Extended Family

[lilbun]

So, in 2011 my mother died of cancer. It was a long and painful year and a half of fighting it. I was the only kid still left at home (younger bro joined the army and moved, older bro married and moved a long time ago). I was working, going to school and taking care of her. My dad worked to support all of this and my grandma (dad's mom) was close enough to help and be there when we couldn't.

My mom's family is large. She was one of nine kids. Honestly, I don't think most of them liked each other, but they cared. They would call each other and be there if I called in an emergency, that sort of thing. This is important.

Now, I'm just outright socially awkward. I go through bouts of being outgoing and making friends and then calming down and culling the large group down to a smaller one. Weird sense of humor, but a good person. Not very nice or tactful, but honest and straightforward. Meanwhile, my younger bro has been a drug using, dealing, stealing, lying sack of crap. He stole my mom's pain medication when she was sick and he was visiting. But he's just so slimey and charming no one ever says anything. Again, important.

SO! I spent holidays with my extended family, summer bbqs, etc. We spent almost no time with my dad's extended family (except grandma), I don't know why. Either way, I was never cloclose with them. I liked some aunts and uncles more than others, but we never exchanged numbers or hung out individually. I didn't even connect like that with my cousins. I always felt my family was outcasted a bit.

Aside - my mom was married before my dad. He was a violent alcoholic. The separated and divorced when she decided to marry my dad some years later. Her family knew, but still welcomed herex husband to family events and he's even the godfather to at least two of my cousins. My mother is godmother to none. These people knew he beat her and still give him more than her. So, disgusted (he is my older bro's father and has been clean and sober for a very long time. He is a nice repentant man now, I didn't know him when he wasn't, but her family did).

So, my mom dies. Everyone decided I needed to be put on watch. I was bombarded with texts and phone calls and it was crazy. Everyone had swapped numbers when my mom was the hospital the last time due to it being an er situation, etc. I was just spending time with friends and staying away from home. My dad and I don't get along well and I spent so much time watching my mom die in that house, I wanted out. I wasn't acting weird or trying to off myself. I have no idea why I was being hounded the way I was. Why was I the high risk crazy one?

Whatever. Months pass. My dad decided to upload some photos onto my mom's facebook page. Pictures of her and friends and family that she didn't get around to putting up. At some point, he asked each sibling individually if they had an issue with this. They said no. Then, they went to their oldest sister and said that it was a problem. Oldest sends a nasty email to my father. He tells me not to let this hamper my relationships with them.

I get an offer from one aunt (that I hate. She sent the email) to go to florida with some of them for mother's day. I politely explain I have no more timeoff left at work (they kindly gave me a paid week off after mom died) so I couldn't afford to go. I thanked her and mentioned it to my dad. I went to lunch with another aunt and... that was all I heard from any of them.

I tried talking it out, about the lying ti my dad's face. I can't stand. As far as I was concern, they had every right not to like it and even to say so when asked, but the facebook page was his to do with as pleased (within reason. Like, not going around commenting as her or anything. He just wanted to share pictures). I was constantly told I was wrong, my dad was wrong, I didn't understand, it was too complex, etc.

My dad would constantly ask if any family had been in touch, and always no. For months, weeks. Nothing from anyone. And they're married with families and what do I have in common with them enough to go out of my way to contact them? Nothing. I'd be polite if I saw them (which I didn't), but we had no other relationship before, why would that change? Because someone died? After you treat my dad like crap? F that noise.

I had a falling out with my dad, left home, changed my number. Exclusively communicated with my dad through email until I gave him my new number. No other famil besides dad, grandma, some uncles and brothers have my number.

The younger bro has a baby shower coming up. I don't want to go. I will, but I hate him for how he is. Now I have to face my family. My dad is 'insisting' I go. I certainly don't have to, I know that. We talkexd about gifts and he mentioned two of my aunts that are hurt and offended I cut them out of my life. For lying in a time of distress! He told me that they tried to contact me before I changed my number, etc. As if we had this wonderful, close relationship before I lost my head and left. I told him that was never the case. I wouldn't lie about them contacting me. What would be the point?

I feel like I'm losing it. Like they're insisting on this reality that never even happened! I had lunch with one the aunts twice in my entire life. Once in 8th grade and once after mom died. The other aunt was around for my younger bro's birthdays because she was his godmother. But that was it. She worked in the town I used to live in and I NEVER saw her for any reason. She never called or anything.

I don't understand. I'm not that great at interpersonal relationships, but this seems so pointless and stupid and now they're all making me feel crazy. I know none of what they're insisting never happened. My friends and boyfriend back me up. His family backs me up. There was no contact, no voicemails, texts or offers. Nothing. I'm not crazy or wrong, but they have me second guessing myself now.

I just don't know why I need to keep contact with liars. I don't know how to put my foot down with my dad. He wants us all to talk it out over lunch. What's to talk about?! They lied, they're still lying and they're making me feel all upside down.

What do I do? I'm so tired of sucking it up for everyone else. I grew up with a brother that could do no wrong and I had to keep the peace by never correcting his behaviour, and my parents never stopped him. I sucked it up and always went to family events even though I really don't fit in with them and cant stand it. My dad doesn't have a problem with them. I say good for him. I do.

Any advice? I'm so exhausted and jittery for all of it.

 

[MHealthJo]

Gosh, I am so sorry, not only for the loss of your mum while you were so young and all the hard times that came before it, but for this stack of craziness that these people have unleashed afterwards..... what on earth......

Among the siblings, was your mum in a way sort of.... given like, a 'role'? Like, the 'troubled one' or 'less important one'? Treated differently?

Is the 'top aunt' sort of looked up to or deferred to and allowed to have sort of like, a bit of a powerful or dominating position among the others?

Sometimes there is a (dysfunctional) family dynamic, to varying degrees, where some sibling or other seems to get away with more, be put in a position of more importance or input etc.... others seem to feel like they need to defer to it..... and sometimes too, there will be another sibling (often of the same sex as the 'top dog') who will get given this 'less worthy/important' role.... or be viewed as 'troubled' in some way - often for little reason; or will be treated in such a way that it would be surprising if they DIDNT end up somewhat troubled.

This is a sick way of feeding the ego of the 'top dog'.

The only problem is, what happens if the 'troubled one' is no longer there to focus some negative energy on? (Sometimes it is mostly done in kind of subtle, confusing, or under-the-radar sort of ways.)

Maybe when that happens, these dysfunctional setups might try to recruit a new person to fill that 'role'?

---

Obviously I can't know much for sure without knowing these people. But I am just getting somewhat of an instinct that you are probably wise to be discerning about how close you want to get/ doing what these people suddenly want. As you say, you don't owe anything and you don't have to join in a game other people want to suddenly play - even if your dad seems to have an inclination to defer to these people in accordance with their dynamic. (Maybe to a degree it has taught him to feel a need to try to please them and try to be 'good enough'?) Sometimes these family dynamics find ways to enter the next generation or spread out, if members will let them.

Take care of yourself, okay. You deserve peace and to do what feels right and reasonable to you, not to someone else. If you feel any similar instincts to the ones I am sensing a possibility of, you may want to do some reading about narcissistic families and just see whether it clicks a bit.

Thinking of you mate. You're wonderful for taking such good care of your mother. You should feel proud of yourself. Careful you don't let anyone try to lessen that. Your understandable attitude of 'WTF' will hold you in good stead, I think.

 

[lilbun]

Thanks M. I wish I could explain more but it's just so crazy. Like, my immediate family is not really great at communication. Lol my dad doesn't share much, hates when his mom tells me stories about him. I get pieces filled in here and there because NO ONE wants to be honest!

Just tonight my grandma added a bit about the facebook drama saying that she called Top Dog Aunt (I like it!) About it. Apparently that aunt broke down crying to her saying she and my mom had personal conversations on there that my dad could now see.

...my dad always had my mom's password. She always used the same one for everything. Hell, I know her password. She said my dad looked and found nothing of the sort. But that doesn't matter, it was always about her trying to gt her way with any other excuse.

It's tiring to piece it all together. In an email I asked my dad about his obsession with my relations even though his sucked. He said he regrets being that and I shouldn't make the same mistake. I think the situations are a bit different, though.

He wants me to be safe knowing I have family around to help or to be there to help them. I just can't help but wonder why. If these are the people he wants me to trust, I think he needs help. But, that's a whole different can of worms. Daddy Issues that go on for daaaaays.

I don't know. I don't want to hear any of them out. I don't miss them much. I've reallg enjoyed my time trying to carve out my own life and family. Am I being stubborn or irrational about? I don't know. I like to think I'm pretty logical, not too petty. It's just their refusal of another side to the issue and them acting as though my mom being their sister was more important than her being my mom or my dad's wife.

I have to say, the latter seems just a smidge more important. We loved her like they couldn't (or wouldn't). It's just frustrating. I'm rambling, sorry. Lol

 

[MHealthJo]

Don't worry! It's not rambling.

I feel like you seem to be on track, with your instincts that seem true to you - that you're not selfish or crazy.

And the other niggling side of you saying, 'But... but... but then what is all this??' .... well.... it really does seem like you've gotta keep making sure to answer that question with: 'It's them. Not me.'
That is certainly my instinct, if all their dishonest behaviour is something to go by.

Take care of yourself... feel free to keep chatting more if you wish to do so.

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

I have some relatives I avoid for similar reasons.

I have found, in my past experience, that if there are people making you feel crazy, then you were right to avoid them in the first place.

People who don't respect your space or make assumptions without asking you or who do things "for your own good" without discussing things with YOU first are usually (in my humble opinion) trying to do something for themselves, not you... (IE: trying to look good, being controlling, etc)...

I may have too much of my own experience colouring my interpretation of what you say, but I've found it doesn't seem to be uncommon for some people who are emotionally manipulative to have that sort of behaviour learned over several generations. I would trust your instincts and see who you want to see.

It is a "red flag" to me if someone is upset because of your reaction to their inappropriate behaviour. If they can't see how they own behaviour is upsetting you, and the fact that you reacted to protect yourself is somehow threatening or hurtful to them, then I feel there is something wrong with their self-perception/perception of the world.

 

[lilbun]

That's what I'm thinking most of the time about them. It's just another act to look like they're trying to 'be there' and such, but I just don't understand why. I'm starting to wonder if my dad has more of a role with these other two aunts than I previously thought. By not talking directly to them, and only through my dad, I can't be sure. But he is the one that seems to think we (myself and these aunts) had some sort of close relationship. So maybe he's influencing them?

Ugh. Writing this all out makes it seem like an overly dramatic soap opera.

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

If people are getting your wheels spinning trying to figure them out constantly, you're probably gonna be really worn out. Some people aren't worth trying to figure out, and you can save a lot of valuable you-time and energy in relationships that make you feel good about yourself.

Even if you DID figure them out, you can't change someone who doesn't want to change. In my experience, and it took a while for it to sink in for me, I have to let people figure themselves out, help themselves out, and some people don't want to bother doing either. In which case, if they need to change to make your life easier, and they don't want to, try to avoid wasting a heckova lot of energy trying to do it for them. It doesn't work! lol

I'm still a bit of a rescuer I've found out recently, and still feel responsible for some people. My perception was that people needed help, and no one else was getting it for them (not even themselves), so I jump in. But my perceptions are incorrect. They don't need MY help, they need to help themselves.