amastie
Member
Must get back to read more of this particular forum.
Have been extremely down. Only when I happened to start Googling under 'sexual hyper alert' did I see many, many links to sexual abuse sites and I stopped to read a little of them. I have accessed online support groups in the past but had put that behind me. I realize tonight that I need *not* to put it behind me - at least, not allow myself to disregard and, in effect, deny the impact on me even in late middle age of childhood sexual abuse. I want to deny it. It's awfully inconvenient. Having felt very depressed for days, maybe weeks, reading those words of others talking about surviving childhood sexual abuse restored me somehow to the memory of what is really happening in me. I think I live in a swirling river that ever tries to make it seem as if my hyper alertness and other reactions are just simple acting out of someone "merely" mentally ill... "born sensitive" it was said once. Maybe, but those words enforce my denial.
I'm a little afraid at present that the water rising higher around me is getting so that I'm finding it hard to keep standing. And neither does simple understanding help. I've learned that it's possible to deny what you understand! - in order Just to fit in, to make myself more available for others.
And the water swirls around me, higher and higher.
I've all but given up of getting out of the water but I do small things to maintain my groundedness in the midst of it.
Wrote this in order not to deny - and the water recedes.
Must keep this strategy in mind.
For now,
amastie
Have been extremely down. Only when I happened to start Googling under 'sexual hyper alert' did I see many, many links to sexual abuse sites and I stopped to read a little of them. I have accessed online support groups in the past but had put that behind me. I realize tonight that I need *not* to put it behind me - at least, not allow myself to disregard and, in effect, deny the impact on me even in late middle age of childhood sexual abuse. I want to deny it. It's awfully inconvenient. Having felt very depressed for days, maybe weeks, reading those words of others talking about surviving childhood sexual abuse restored me somehow to the memory of what is really happening in me. I think I live in a swirling river that ever tries to make it seem as if my hyper alertness and other reactions are just simple acting out of someone "merely" mentally ill... "born sensitive" it was said once. Maybe, but those words enforce my denial.
I'm a little afraid at present that the water rising higher around me is getting so that I'm finding it hard to keep standing. And neither does simple understanding help. I've learned that it's possible to deny what you understand! - in order Just to fit in, to make myself more available for others.
And the water swirls around me, higher and higher.
I've all but given up of getting out of the water but I do small things to maintain my groundedness in the midst of it.
Wrote this in order not to deny - and the water recedes.
Must keep this strategy in mind.
For now,
amastie
