Hello, I'm a 38 year old man, good job/career, wonderful 15 year old daughter, educated. I have experienced great adventures and expect to experience more as is my way in life. I have lived all over the U.S. since I turned 18, San Diego, Los Angeles, Salt Lake City, Chicago, Tulsa, D.C., Maryland, Virginia, and currently in Seattle. If you are tallying this up that's 9 locations in 20 years.
I am depressed, very depressed. I have never experienced depression this intensely in my life and I have been through a few REALLY rough times. I'm taking some anti-depressants but they really don't help much if at all most of the time. Eating is an option for me now, I still exercise, I have too, my adrenaline is too high for me to sit still unless I exhaust myself.
My problem???
Well, my problem is up for debate but I can tell you what brought me to this slippery slide, a woman and my own biological clock. One and half years ago I asked a girl to move in with me, she and I had been talking over the phone for 3 months, she was PERFECT in every way. She was having issues with her family and needed to get out of her current living arrangements, I knew in my heart she was the one for me so I convinced her to live with me. For the 1st 6 months our relationship was the best ANYONE could imagine, we never left each other's side except to go to work and we loved it that way. Then I took a temporary assignment overseas for 2 months that was agreed upon by both of us. Since that moment, things have fallen further into pieces. She lost control after I left, depressed, feelings of abandonment, anger. When I came back I got the brunt of all that for 2 months straight. She apologized every time she lashed out at me but couldn't stop herself. Further complicating our relationship, she was beginning to feel inadequate, loosing her self esteem. She said that it was because I knew so much more or that I wouldn't take her ideas into consideration. Not entirely the case but I did dispute her ideas at times. I little bit of information here, she's 26, 12 years younger. I fully believe she is my equal intellectually, just not the experience behind the decisions yet. Well, the relationship never got better, she felt she couldn't survive without my support, she deferred all decisions to me and she hated herself for being weak, I didn't like it either. Push came to shove, I was offered a job in Seattle and, at the same time, she was being offered a job in Nashville. I saw that as a way for her to gain her self esteem once more, living on her own, providing for her and her 5 yr old boy, she would become the complete person I fell in love with. What did she see? She saw me giving up on her, abandoning her, and she truly believed that even though she gave up on me MANY times I would NEVER do that to her. Four months into us being in different states, our relationship seemed better than ever, I asked her to marry me, she said YES! I have never been married, have always wanted too and believe that there is one soul mate for each of us. One week later, she told me she didn't feel comfortable getting married, we were engaged. Few days later, she asked me to take the ring back. Few days later, she said she and I can only be friends for now. As you can imagine, I, for the first time in my life, truly wanted to die. It was as if the woman I was about to marry was killed. But she wasn't, and she continued to talk to me. She is still talking to me and that was three months ago. She tells me she loves me, she goes back and forth on if we are in a relationship or not. I'm a freakin' Yo-Yo right now and my moods reflect it. Just recently, 2 weeks ago, she agreed we are to be in a committed relationship, drive toward our future together, and asked me to visit. I arranged the flight, told her about it, she was ****ed stating that she never wanted to see me for more than 2 days right now, I planned it for 5 days. Now, we are not in a committed relationship, I don't know what she wants, I know I love her but don't know how I can go on with this.
I am depressed, very depressed. I have never experienced depression this intensely in my life and I have been through a few REALLY rough times. I'm taking some anti-depressants but they really don't help much if at all most of the time. Eating is an option for me now, I still exercise, I have too, my adrenaline is too high for me to sit still unless I exhaust myself.
My problem???
Well, my problem is up for debate but I can tell you what brought me to this slippery slide, a woman and my own biological clock. One and half years ago I asked a girl to move in with me, she and I had been talking over the phone for 3 months, she was PERFECT in every way. She was having issues with her family and needed to get out of her current living arrangements, I knew in my heart she was the one for me so I convinced her to live with me. For the 1st 6 months our relationship was the best ANYONE could imagine, we never left each other's side except to go to work and we loved it that way. Then I took a temporary assignment overseas for 2 months that was agreed upon by both of us. Since that moment, things have fallen further into pieces. She lost control after I left, depressed, feelings of abandonment, anger. When I came back I got the brunt of all that for 2 months straight. She apologized every time she lashed out at me but couldn't stop herself. Further complicating our relationship, she was beginning to feel inadequate, loosing her self esteem. She said that it was because I knew so much more or that I wouldn't take her ideas into consideration. Not entirely the case but I did dispute her ideas at times. I little bit of information here, she's 26, 12 years younger. I fully believe she is my equal intellectually, just not the experience behind the decisions yet. Well, the relationship never got better, she felt she couldn't survive without my support, she deferred all decisions to me and she hated herself for being weak, I didn't like it either. Push came to shove, I was offered a job in Seattle and, at the same time, she was being offered a job in Nashville. I saw that as a way for her to gain her self esteem once more, living on her own, providing for her and her 5 yr old boy, she would become the complete person I fell in love with. What did she see? She saw me giving up on her, abandoning her, and she truly believed that even though she gave up on me MANY times I would NEVER do that to her. Four months into us being in different states, our relationship seemed better than ever, I asked her to marry me, she said YES! I have never been married, have always wanted too and believe that there is one soul mate for each of us. One week later, she told me she didn't feel comfortable getting married, we were engaged. Few days later, she asked me to take the ring back. Few days later, she said she and I can only be friends for now. As you can imagine, I, for the first time in my life, truly wanted to die. It was as if the woman I was about to marry was killed. But she wasn't, and she continued to talk to me. She is still talking to me and that was three months ago. She tells me she loves me, she goes back and forth on if we are in a relationship or not. I'm a freakin' Yo-Yo right now and my moods reflect it. Just recently, 2 weeks ago, she agreed we are to be in a committed relationship, drive toward our future together, and asked me to visit. I arranged the flight, told her about it, she was ****ed stating that she never wanted to see me for more than 2 days right now, I planned it for 5 days. Now, we are not in a committed relationship, I don't know what she wants, I know I love her but don't know how I can go on with this.
