Depressed due to bad roommate situation...

[SadGirl]

I am having a post traumatic reaction to my past living situation. I wanna know if you think I did anything wrong and what I should have done differently. Here is what I can remember and of course I am highlighting the mistakes I made that might have contributed...

It got off to a sort of bumpy start. She is kinda a party girl type and er- im not.. The second I saw her I thought, um, this girl looks like a B**** but I was desperate for a room so I took it. Um well within the first week she brought some random guy home and nearly kicked me outta the room to ___ him. I was gonna move out then and there but she apologized profusely and I felt so bad for her. Also I was under a 6 month lease there.

So I stayed and it was alright for a while but then, well we never really got comfortable around each other or had much to say. In the beggining there actually were some nice times, like, she even cooked dinner for me once! But, I mean we were so different and didn't click much. I think we both thought the other was absurd. Ok, I guess I have to mention that she did catch me M*****b**g once when I thought she was asleep and that was awkward.

Also, she would complain that our bathroom was messy and she was particular about keeping it clean. I am not the neatest person around but neither was she really. But I know she thought I was dirty.

We did go to the same church so I would try to get her to stop having sex by telling her that Christianity says pre-marital sex is wrong, but only when she asked for my opinion on the matter. She overheard me talking to the church leader about her and her interest in sex(she already told the church leader anyway). Oh and also, she found out that I told a mutual friend about something she did and I don't think she was pleased with that.

Also, well I didn't really have a life or friends at all and didn't go out much maybe that bugged her. She definitely had more of a life than me. Sometimes I would talk to her about my problems I had like with people at work that didn't like me and stuff. She would always be going out with her friend and I would just be sitting at home almost every weekend.

Also, she was very into like fashion and looks and I am really not. She kept telling me to do something about my oily skin, I think it bugged her. She was a bit classist too and I think she thought she had more money than me even though I am pretty sure she didn't but seemed like she did cause she used guys for money.

Well eventually she started sleeping in the living room and avoiding me all together. And then I sensed like hostility toward me. A combination of I hate you, you disgust me and You are nobody, don't talk to me.

Anyway, what if anything, did I do wrong and what should I have done. I mean what do you see, you can be brutally honest with me...would you have treated me the same?

(I would like to note that she was the the type that you could talk things out with. She just didn't care and would not have listened anyway, trust me.)

 

[SadGirl]

Sigh, I just can't stop thinking about it, what is wrong with me?

 

[Daniel E.]

The saying "Hell is other people" (Sartre) does often apply to roommate situations. Even best friends can become hostile to each other when they become roommates. You and her were obviously not a good roommate match, at least in retrospect. In other words, it's not necessarily anyone's fault.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I agree. As in other relationships, sometimes it's just not a good fit.

 

[Eunoia]

mmmhhh... living situations can be such a mess! when is your lease up??? is there any way you can get out b/f the 6 mths, maybe if you find her another roommate? I don't think there's anything wrong w/ you, as others have said, it's just the fit...if you say you can't talk things out w/ her then there isn't much else you can do.... some of my friends have been through these kinds of situations, they're definitely yucky. best of luck w/. a better roommate!

 

[ThatLady]

From what I can gather from your post, this is not your current living situation but something that occurred in the past. If that's correct, I'm led to wonder why you're dwelling on it now. This is a part of your past, hon. There's nothing that can be done for it now.

As far as what you did wrong...nothing, in all probability. Living with someone is never easy and it's really hard to find someone with whom you are truly compatible.

 

[SadGirl]

The thoughts and images of things she would do to me still haunt me. She would butt into my personal business and gossip about me and make me feel bad on purpose. I mean it really angers me and makes me sad when I think about it, I dwell on it a lot and I hate it.

 

[Eunoia]

in a way those images will always stay with you but it's up to you in the end whether you let them affect you and by how much... it's disappointing to have someone hurt you or to be rejected or gossipped about, but remember that there's a reason why people do this, most likely b/c they're insecure w/ some part of themselves or their lives... does she sit around remembering all the mean things she did to you? I doubt it. Luckily, the situation is over and I'm sure you've learned a lot from it, but in the end she's the one losing out here hun, not you. Try not to giver her that power of controlling the way you feel even after you're no longer roomates... you can acknowledge the way you felt and feel and be cautious around people who may end up gossiping but "dwelling" on it, as you can see only makes you feel worse... don't let her do this to you. Stand up for yourself and say that this is over now and you can't change what happened but you can change the way you react to this now. Surround yourself w/ people who do care about you and do things that you like to do, why use all this time dwelling on someone or a situation from the past if you could spend it doing something you actually enjoy? I know it's always easier said than done, but I think it does come down to how much you let this affect you in the end...

 

[comfortzone]

Sadgirl,

You said, "make me feel bad on purpose" No one can make anyone feel anything. Yes, they can trigger negative feelings but it our choice to feel angry or upset. Using "I feel" statements can be empowering. For example: "I feel bad when my roommate butts into my personal business and gossips about me." "I feel angry when she disrepects me." Changing your vocabulary and phrases can help you to overcome some of the negative feelings. Your roommates negative behaviors are not a reflection of who you are. Change the words first which will help you change how you react to your roommate and others in your life. Take care

 

[Diana]

There were problems between my roommate and I during my first year of university. I know there were things I could have done differently and she could have reacted much more sensibly, etc... But, time has moved on. She's living her life somewhere and I'm here. I don't think that our roommate problems had any tremendous effect on her future, so there's no point in dwelling on feeling guilty. Also, her behaviour towards me doesn't effect me now. It sounds like this only happened to you a short time ago, so you're still feeling bad about it. Just realize that there is no reason for you to dwell on it. Time passes. Some people NEVER live with roommates because they don't want to run into those problems. This is not a unique situation, so don't worry about it. If you love living with your roommate, you're extremely lucky.

 

[SadGirl]

Was this bullying and why did this happen to me?

My old roommate, she just ignored me ans stopped talking to me all of a sudden. She would laugh at me and talk bad about me. She'd run out of the room if I tried to talk to her, give me dirty looks and clear her throat really loud when she was around me, sometimes in front of others. Why did she act like this and what was wrong with me? What could I have done? SHe wouldnt even talk to me but it became such a nightmare to be around her at all, i eventually just stayed out all night. why would she laugh at me? what was wrong with her and what should i have done ? Im afraid to go out there again. people scare me.

 

[Eunoia]

Why did she act like this and what was wrong with me?

it's not about something that is wrong w/ you or something that you did wrong... she chose to act this way, a nasty way that is and you were her "victim" so to say.

what was wrong with her and what should i have done ? Im afraid to go out there again.

exactly: this is her problem, it was her behaviour, not yours that was "at fault"- you may have reacted in certain ways to her behaviour but she was the one who inherently meant to be mean, not you. I think that no matter what you would have done, she probably would have not changed. Some people are just like that, and I would think she has some problems of her own.. but no matter what you would have said or done differently, she would have been annoyed at that too or made fun of it. It's kind of along the lines of "no matter what you do, it's wrong"- well that's what she chose to believe. This is one person out of all the people in your life. And it is one person who affected you- from the past. Don't use her behaviour or anyone else's who hurt you as a judgment of people "out there". Think of it this way, if you are going to believe someone then this person should have some kind of "credentials"- whether it be that they earned your trust, showed you respect etc. but there must be something to make their opinion trustworthy- none of which she did, and even if, in the end it's only someone else's opinion.

 

[SadGirl]

I get angry sometimes and I am afraid that I am developing anger issues and I dont want that...but sometimes my mind will live back in the past and I just get angry and lashing out as a reaction to not having stuck up for myself before...i dont want to be an angry person and i dont wanna take it out on others , but it is hard....

 

[Eunoia]

standing up for yourself and your rights is one of the most difficult things to do, but you can learn to do so now and apply this to situations in the present. you can't change the way things went, but you do have control over how to react the next time you find yourself in one of these situations. you don't deserve to be treated this way, hence, why standing up for yourself is a great tool to learn, but even if, we can't control the way people will act in our lives, only how we react to them. You could try writing a letter to her, expressing your thoughts and emotions- standing up for yourself so to say, but you don't ever have to send it off. it might help put things to rest though and it would give you a chance to express your feelings and "stand up for yourself".