Depressed when at work

[lammers1980]

Hello all,

Its been a long time since I've posted on these forums, but I take it as a good sign. When I am feeling well, I don't feel the need to be here. As you may imagine, I am not feeling well.

Lately, I have been struggling with depression and my usual OCD.

It started about three weeks ago with an inability to rest properly. My kids were sick and were keeping me up at night. This lasted about a week and a half. However, after this episode, I was unable to get back into a regular sleeping schedule. My nights were restless and I was becoming quite exhausted.

Around this time a number of difficult events occured in series. Some involved friends, others family, and one or two even involved my wife. I don't want to get too into the details, but needless to say I realized that a person whom I thought was a good friend was really not reciprocating, my family is very much different from and does not understand me and that I am suddenly very dependent on my immediate family for all my needs so to speak.

I have always felt that I am a pretty strong person and quite independent. But now, everything that I depended on seems so uncertain. I am wracked with feelings of guilt, insecurity and am struggling with self-defeating thoughts.

Can anyone relate?

 

[ThatLady]

It's not unusual, I think, when a number of difficult events strike at once, to find oneself struggling once again. That happens to anybody. It's hard enough to deal with one, or two difficult situations. When they come in "packs", it's just that more difficult. So, in that respect, I think everyone can relate to what you're saying, stevel.

I don't recall whether you have a therapist, doctor, or spiritual leader with whom to consult, but it sounds like something like that might be in order for you at the present time. These boards are also a place to come with your doubts. Are you currently on any medications to help you deal with depression and your OCD?

 

[lammers1980]

No, I haven't been seeing any therapists, or taking any meds. I'm seeing the doctor tomorrow though.

 

[Daniel E.]

As ThatLady says, everyone feels insecure at times. For most people, it may just be a matter of circumstance and degree:

Men are naturally neurotic and always have been, but at some times they have it easier than at others to mask their true condition.

The Denial of Death by Ernest Becker

More positively, just being alive is a form of habituation to the ups and downs of life, which may be one reason that many older people seem to be happier than younger people, as mentioned in a previous thread:

Older May Mean Happier

Similarly, "that which does not kill me, makes me stronger" (Nietzsche).

No, I haven't been seeing any therapists, or taking any meds. I'm seeing the doctor tomorrow though.

Ideally, of course, you could go all out: Meds (which you seem to be trying to get) + Therapy + Exercise (which you may already be doing). Why settle for less?

 

[Daniel E.]

needless to say I realized that a person whom I thought was a good friend was really not reciprocating

BTW, a great article on male friendship that was just published:

Like many guys soldiering through their lives, fulfilling the obligations of adulthood, Rich has awakened to the loneliness of the American male in his midthirties to early fifties.

Where have all the men gone? - Best Life Magazine

 

[ThatLady]

No, I haven't been seeing any therapists, or taking any meds. I'm seeing the doctor tomorrow though.

Sounds good, stevel. Be sure to let the doctor know all you've told us here - plus, don't be afraid to share the details of what's occurred. That will help the doctor to help you. A doctor does his/her best when fully informed.

Let us know how things go with your appointment and what your doctor suggests. As Daniel says, exercise is often of help, as is ensuring that you maintain a good, healthy diet. The doctor can prescribe medications to help you cope, and therapy may be an additional avenue you can consider.

 

[lammers1980]

So I'm back from the doctors' office and got a perscription for Cipralex. I've tried Celexa, Wellbutrin, Mannorex and one other I can't remember. I've had the best experience with the Celexa in the past and asked for that. She gave me this, saying there were fewer side-effects. We'll see how it goes I guess.

I have decided to bike to and from work as soon as possible. I think I should train a little first as it is a 18km trip. I did this a few years ago and found it left me feeling good.

I've been very good at dealing with my obsessive thoughts, which is a relief. They tried to muscle in on my concience, but I was 90% successful at keeping them at bay. I find obsessive thoughts are often a reaction to a physical sense of discomfort, and the thought is merely a way of trying to put the pain to rest. Unfortunately doing this only prolongs the pain. Therefore it is necessary to just feel bad and do nothing about it.

I don't want to burden my family. It really bothers me. Also, I worry about how my anxieties affect my wife as I become quite clingy when I am feeling this way. I have tried to be a little more independent and not constantly be seeking reassurances as this most likely only makes my problems worse. I am certainly glad there is a forum like this out here, so I'll be sure to continue coming.

 

[Halo]

Stevel,

I am glad that things went well at the doctor and that you got a script for a med (as a side note: I am on Cipralex as well and have been for quite a while and really never had any side effects at all) and you really seem to be in better spirits and with trying make some positive changes. I too am glad that there is a forum like this I am happy you will be continuing to keep coming around

Take care

 

[ThatLady]

Sounds like things went well for you, Stevel. That's really good news. Now, with the new medication, hopefully things will keep getting better.

 

[lammers1980]

Thanks everybody. Last night was good. I played some card games with the family and went for a walk with my wife. The interesting thing is that after taking the meds, I can already feel differences in how my head "feels". This may only be a placebo as it is still very early, but I find that when an obsessive thought starts to occur, there is no accompanying panic, dread or dispair. More like it is there, and I am able to objectively see it for what it is. This makes such thoughts easier to dismiss since I am not getting sucked into the emotional vortex that comes with such things. I am not counting my chickens before they hatch though and am still only taking things one day at a time.

 

[ThatLady]

One day at a time is the very best way to take things right now, stevel. I'm really glad to hear you're feeling a bit better! :yahoo:

 

[lammers1980]

Sadly, today is turning out much tougher than yesterday. It seems to be two steps forward and one (or two or three) step back these days.

 

[Halo]

I am sorry to hear that you are having a rough day Stevel.

I can relate to how you feel and what I keep getting told is to put one foot in front of the other and one day at a time and things will get better.

Also, it has only been a couple of days since you started your new medication and as we know with these types of meds, they can take quite a bit of time (weeks I believe) to fully be effective.

Take care and hang in there

 

[lammers1980]

I get scared when I have another bad day because I am afraid that if I don't get well soon, I will become too big of a burden to my family and they will leave me. This is sort of how the OCD obsessions fit in. I get obsessed with wanting to seem normal, but in the process of thinking about this, I end up quiet and detatched. Since I am normally very talkative, this appear very unusual. This then causes even more anxiety, which in turn is followed by more feelings of depression, etc.

I have never had the depression and ocd so closely linked before. I have also not had depression, ocd, and my closest interpersonal relationships so closely linked before. I need to break the cycle of anxiety and depression.

 

[Into The Light]

it's really hard. i can relate to worrying about being too much of a burden. it's a lot better now for me than it was in the past, so know that this feeling can improve.

like nancy said, give the medication time. i know how hard it is to wait when you've just started medication because you want instant results. give it time and they'll start to work and things will get better.