poohbear
Member
I have been having a very hard go it all lately. I haven't posted on here in a long while, but I feel this is the best place for me to write it all down. And the safest.
I have been separated from my husband since November 1st, 2006. It was supposed to be a trial separation, but he served me with papers on my birthday only one month later. Papers from a lawyer he financed by cashing in our 401K--without my knowledge. I had no lawyer, so I had to get legal aid. For those of you unfamiliar with legal aid, it's the equivalent of "lawyers for food stamps". In fact, I was ON food stamps when I got legal aid, since he wasn't paying child support. It took him almost a year to be forced to pay child support--for three boys. I'm getting sidetracked, there is so much to vent about.
Now, two and a half years later, after I didn't fight for full custody, gave up the marital home and nearly everything in it, had to furnish my own home and get all new clothes for the boys at my house (cause he locked me out), agreed to take on ALL my credit card debt alone, even though it is a JOINT debt (according to law if it's accumulated during marraige, it's joint), and even only asked for three years alimony--he still wouldn't settle. He had to dispute even further. He complained that there were passive losses in the stocks (we DO NOT have alot of money, I will only get about 3-7K from these stocks--IF that). So, the 1,000 dollars he fussed about was essentailly spent in lawyer's fees in the last month reqriting the agreement. AGAIN. I cannot keep track of how many agreements we have had. I cannot tell you how many times I have caved. I cannot begin to tell you.
But, I blew a gasket this weekend. He emailed me and told me that he got a FedEx delivery notice and went to the FedEx office to pick it up. He then took it home. And opened it. It was MINE. He claims that he didn't notice on the slip that it was mine. Nor when he signed for it. Nor on the label fo the package. Nor when he opened it. THis is not the first time he has taken my mail. Our medical insurance is his and all mail goes to his/our house because his address is on the policy, so even if it is mine, they won't mail it to me. I have ordered so much information from that insurance company and gotten NOTHING. He keeps my mail, unless it is a bill. Yes, I put in a change of address already. The insurance company claims it is a violation to mail it elsewhere. No, I don't get it either. anyway, I'm trying to make the point that this is not the only time he has done this. He has tried to control me one way or another, time and time again. Over and over. The whole time we were married. And he has done SO much after the separation, I can't even begin to fathom why.
So, anyway. I blew it. After 2 and a half years. We were finally SO close to getting a final agreement. SO close. And I blew it. I was angry. I was VERY angry. For one thing, I told him that NO ONE is that stupid on accident. There is no way he opened my FedEx package on accident. I told him if he does it again, I will press charges with the police. (here in the US, its a Federal crime to screw with people's mail--married or not) I also sort of blew the agreement. I emailed my lawyer and told her I didn't want to settle. I want to ask for long term alimony. I was angry when I did it, but I have to say I am glad I did. This is the ONE way I can make sure I am taken care of, so I can go back to school. And the ONE way I can make him realize how much he hurt me through all of this. Money is what he cares about. You should read his emails! So, I am sortof regretting this decision I made. But, in a way, I am VERY happy. I never had the nerve to ask before. Even though we have now been married 16 years. I am entitled to a MINIMUM of three years alimony. Some women get permanent alimony for even shorter marraiges. I only wanted it originally to go back to Nursing School. But, now I think I am entitled to it forEVER. I am so darned angry he has dragged this on for so long. I am so angry he has manipulated my boys into hating me. I am so angry that I gave up my life and career for him and the kids, and now I am left working my rearend off just to make ends meet, while he goes out and blows thousands on a flat screen television, camcorder, new video games, dinners and booze, etc. I just am SO DANG angry. And I am a bit ashamed I resorted to this to get back at him. I know he won't ever agree to this. We will wind up in court and a judge will have to decide. I have greater than a 50% chance of getting it. But, I feel that if a judge says I deserve it, then fine. Let it be. I am just so dang angry that I have stooped this low. And exhilarated that I did it. My lawyer is ticked off at me, for sure. She nearly blew a gasket when she read my email. But, ultimately, it's my decision.
I am the first to admit (albeit reluctantly) that I made poor choices in what I talked about with and around the boys. I talked about monetary issues that were best left unsaid. I was angry and said things I shouldn't have said. But, I never thought that the things I said were so "bad" that they were unforgiveable. I never told them about how he tricked me into signing a refinance while I was on medication. He said it was so he could afford to pay child support. Which he refused to do until it was ordered by the court. I never told them how he cashed out the 401K--part of our retirement. And tried to hide our assets. I never told them how he tried to take FULL custody of the boys--although he denies it, I have a court order (well, an "attempted" petition--where he asked for full custody--citing my mental health. I never told them how he couldn't keep it in his pants and cheated on me. I never told them how I begged him to go to therapy--for years!-- and he refused, until I moved out. But he made sure he told them I was crazy because I went to therapy off and on for years, and took medication for depression--until I moved out and miraculously didn't feel I needed it anymore. (but am seriously considering asking for something.) Now the boys call me crazy. See? There are SO many things I didn't say. But, I guess what I DID say was too much.
My 14 yr old hates me. My 10 year old has fits and tantrums. They both tell me how much they hate me. How much they want to go live with their father. The 14 yr old refuses to vist with me most times--he stays at his father's. He has been violent and verbally abusive. I have recordings of him being this way--thank God, because no one believes me. I fear the 10 yr old is close behind him. It has gone on so long witht he 14 yr old, that I have come to dread any visitation time with him at all. I hate it. I don't want to be around him at all. And I feel guilty for that. Which in turn, I feel like he reads this and plays on it, plus he feels my anger and resentment towards him, so he's volatile because of that, too.
There is SO much I want to get "out"-- so much more than what I can just put on paper--or into a blog. I cannot BEGIN to cover it all. But, I thought I would give it a go. I can't go to therapy just yet. I can't really afford it. I have reached out for it, and I even made an appointment. But it was with my son's therapist (I ASKED before making it to make sure it was ok, no conflict of interest). I showed up the morning of my appointment and they told me it was cancelled. No call--well, they called my OLD number, but I had given them the new one, so I don't know why. Anyway, I tried. I had been going to therapy (irregularly, but at lest going) to a clinic. The therapist was OK, but in the last few visits, she made me feel like I had to come more often or it wasn't worth it. She made it clear to me I was wasting my time coming so infrequently, that I felt uncomfortable around her, so I quit going.
Anyway. I felt I could vent here and be safe from being fussed at. I am a single mom of three. I work my behind off on my work weeks. 16 hour days, four times a week, plus one 8 hour shift. Then on the weeks, I have the boys--I have the boys! I don't have time to get an appointment. One is in school all day. The other is in only half a day, so I have him til noon. Half the time, I am so tired from taking care of them and dealing with all my personal crap, I fall asleep in the car-rider's line (where we pick up the kids after school). I get a nap for 2 to three hours. I'm emotionally exhausted. I want to walk, exercise--do something for me. I have no energy to do it. I can't join a gym, that costs money, plus I'm tired. I never have a day off just for me where I don't have to either take care of kids that tell me they hate me, or I have to get sleep because I am either recuperating from a 16 hours shift and going right back for one, or taking a break for one day (my work schedule is Sunday, the kids get picked up, I sleep cause I work Mon and Tues 3pm to 730am. Off Wednesday, sleep! Thursday and Friday, 3pm to 730am, then Saturday 3pm to 11pm, so I can sleep at night to get on the right schedule so I can pick up the boys the next day at 4pm. Then the boys are my life while they are here for the next week.
The disparity in incomes doesn't help. He can provide for them so much more "fun" stuff: games, toys, electronics, fun outings, etc. I can't do that. I work 72 hours in ONE week, just so I will be off from work the whole next week when they come for their visit. (We have shared custody, half and half). I work my butt off to make sure they have food, clothing and shelter.
I can see here that I am rambling. I am pretty upset, to day was really hard. I even called three of my friends to try to talk, but no one was available. I then called my Gramma, but she is a religious zealot and of course made me feel like all I have to do is pray. I don't feel comfortable not worrying about it all. If I just pray and do nothing, how is it all going to work it's way out?
Anyway, I better post this before I write a novel. I know it's a mess, this blog. Like I said, there is SO MUCH MORE I want to vent about. I just really haven't got the time or patience to get it all out right now. I have a 5 yr old bugging me every five minutes as it is! (he's very sweet, though.).
I'll try to post more later. I'm just trying to get all this on paper. One day, if I DO get to have an appointment just for me, I want to have it all on paper. It helps me collect my thoughts. Thanks for listening. Or reading, that is.
--Poohbear
I have been separated from my husband since November 1st, 2006. It was supposed to be a trial separation, but he served me with papers on my birthday only one month later. Papers from a lawyer he financed by cashing in our 401K--without my knowledge. I had no lawyer, so I had to get legal aid. For those of you unfamiliar with legal aid, it's the equivalent of "lawyers for food stamps". In fact, I was ON food stamps when I got legal aid, since he wasn't paying child support. It took him almost a year to be forced to pay child support--for three boys. I'm getting sidetracked, there is so much to vent about.
Now, two and a half years later, after I didn't fight for full custody, gave up the marital home and nearly everything in it, had to furnish my own home and get all new clothes for the boys at my house (cause he locked me out), agreed to take on ALL my credit card debt alone, even though it is a JOINT debt (according to law if it's accumulated during marraige, it's joint), and even only asked for three years alimony--he still wouldn't settle. He had to dispute even further. He complained that there were passive losses in the stocks (we DO NOT have alot of money, I will only get about 3-7K from these stocks--IF that). So, the 1,000 dollars he fussed about was essentailly spent in lawyer's fees in the last month reqriting the agreement. AGAIN. I cannot keep track of how many agreements we have had. I cannot tell you how many times I have caved. I cannot begin to tell you.
But, I blew a gasket this weekend. He emailed me and told me that he got a FedEx delivery notice and went to the FedEx office to pick it up. He then took it home. And opened it. It was MINE. He claims that he didn't notice on the slip that it was mine. Nor when he signed for it. Nor on the label fo the package. Nor when he opened it. THis is not the first time he has taken my mail. Our medical insurance is his and all mail goes to his/our house because his address is on the policy, so even if it is mine, they won't mail it to me. I have ordered so much information from that insurance company and gotten NOTHING. He keeps my mail, unless it is a bill. Yes, I put in a change of address already. The insurance company claims it is a violation to mail it elsewhere. No, I don't get it either. anyway, I'm trying to make the point that this is not the only time he has done this. He has tried to control me one way or another, time and time again. Over and over. The whole time we were married. And he has done SO much after the separation, I can't even begin to fathom why.
So, anyway. I blew it. After 2 and a half years. We were finally SO close to getting a final agreement. SO close. And I blew it. I was angry. I was VERY angry. For one thing, I told him that NO ONE is that stupid on accident. There is no way he opened my FedEx package on accident. I told him if he does it again, I will press charges with the police. (here in the US, its a Federal crime to screw with people's mail--married or not) I also sort of blew the agreement. I emailed my lawyer and told her I didn't want to settle. I want to ask for long term alimony. I was angry when I did it, but I have to say I am glad I did. This is the ONE way I can make sure I am taken care of, so I can go back to school. And the ONE way I can make him realize how much he hurt me through all of this. Money is what he cares about. You should read his emails! So, I am sortof regretting this decision I made. But, in a way, I am VERY happy. I never had the nerve to ask before. Even though we have now been married 16 years. I am entitled to a MINIMUM of three years alimony. Some women get permanent alimony for even shorter marraiges. I only wanted it originally to go back to Nursing School. But, now I think I am entitled to it forEVER. I am so darned angry he has dragged this on for so long. I am so angry he has manipulated my boys into hating me. I am so angry that I gave up my life and career for him and the kids, and now I am left working my rearend off just to make ends meet, while he goes out and blows thousands on a flat screen television, camcorder, new video games, dinners and booze, etc. I just am SO DANG angry. And I am a bit ashamed I resorted to this to get back at him. I know he won't ever agree to this. We will wind up in court and a judge will have to decide. I have greater than a 50% chance of getting it. But, I feel that if a judge says I deserve it, then fine. Let it be. I am just so dang angry that I have stooped this low. And exhilarated that I did it. My lawyer is ticked off at me, for sure. She nearly blew a gasket when she read my email. But, ultimately, it's my decision.
I am the first to admit (albeit reluctantly) that I made poor choices in what I talked about with and around the boys. I talked about monetary issues that were best left unsaid. I was angry and said things I shouldn't have said. But, I never thought that the things I said were so "bad" that they were unforgiveable. I never told them about how he tricked me into signing a refinance while I was on medication. He said it was so he could afford to pay child support. Which he refused to do until it was ordered by the court. I never told them how he cashed out the 401K--part of our retirement. And tried to hide our assets. I never told them how he tried to take FULL custody of the boys--although he denies it, I have a court order (well, an "attempted" petition--where he asked for full custody--citing my mental health. I never told them how he couldn't keep it in his pants and cheated on me. I never told them how I begged him to go to therapy--for years!-- and he refused, until I moved out. But he made sure he told them I was crazy because I went to therapy off and on for years, and took medication for depression--until I moved out and miraculously didn't feel I needed it anymore. (but am seriously considering asking for something.) Now the boys call me crazy. See? There are SO many things I didn't say. But, I guess what I DID say was too much.
My 14 yr old hates me. My 10 year old has fits and tantrums. They both tell me how much they hate me. How much they want to go live with their father. The 14 yr old refuses to vist with me most times--he stays at his father's. He has been violent and verbally abusive. I have recordings of him being this way--thank God, because no one believes me. I fear the 10 yr old is close behind him. It has gone on so long witht he 14 yr old, that I have come to dread any visitation time with him at all. I hate it. I don't want to be around him at all. And I feel guilty for that. Which in turn, I feel like he reads this and plays on it, plus he feels my anger and resentment towards him, so he's volatile because of that, too.
There is SO much I want to get "out"-- so much more than what I can just put on paper--or into a blog. I cannot BEGIN to cover it all. But, I thought I would give it a go. I can't go to therapy just yet. I can't really afford it. I have reached out for it, and I even made an appointment. But it was with my son's therapist (I ASKED before making it to make sure it was ok, no conflict of interest). I showed up the morning of my appointment and they told me it was cancelled. No call--well, they called my OLD number, but I had given them the new one, so I don't know why. Anyway, I tried. I had been going to therapy (irregularly, but at lest going) to a clinic. The therapist was OK, but in the last few visits, she made me feel like I had to come more often or it wasn't worth it. She made it clear to me I was wasting my time coming so infrequently, that I felt uncomfortable around her, so I quit going.
Anyway. I felt I could vent here and be safe from being fussed at. I am a single mom of three. I work my behind off on my work weeks. 16 hour days, four times a week, plus one 8 hour shift. Then on the weeks, I have the boys--I have the boys! I don't have time to get an appointment. One is in school all day. The other is in only half a day, so I have him til noon. Half the time, I am so tired from taking care of them and dealing with all my personal crap, I fall asleep in the car-rider's line (where we pick up the kids after school). I get a nap for 2 to three hours. I'm emotionally exhausted. I want to walk, exercise--do something for me. I have no energy to do it. I can't join a gym, that costs money, plus I'm tired. I never have a day off just for me where I don't have to either take care of kids that tell me they hate me, or I have to get sleep because I am either recuperating from a 16 hours shift and going right back for one, or taking a break for one day (my work schedule is Sunday, the kids get picked up, I sleep cause I work Mon and Tues 3pm to 730am. Off Wednesday, sleep! Thursday and Friday, 3pm to 730am, then Saturday 3pm to 11pm, so I can sleep at night to get on the right schedule so I can pick up the boys the next day at 4pm. Then the boys are my life while they are here for the next week.
The disparity in incomes doesn't help. He can provide for them so much more "fun" stuff: games, toys, electronics, fun outings, etc. I can't do that. I work 72 hours in ONE week, just so I will be off from work the whole next week when they come for their visit. (We have shared custody, half and half). I work my butt off to make sure they have food, clothing and shelter.
I can see here that I am rambling. I am pretty upset, to day was really hard. I even called three of my friends to try to talk, but no one was available. I then called my Gramma, but she is a religious zealot and of course made me feel like all I have to do is pray. I don't feel comfortable not worrying about it all. If I just pray and do nothing, how is it all going to work it's way out?
Anyway, I better post this before I write a novel. I know it's a mess, this blog. Like I said, there is SO MUCH MORE I want to vent about. I just really haven't got the time or patience to get it all out right now. I have a 5 yr old bugging me every five minutes as it is! (he's very sweet, though.).
I'll try to post more later. I'm just trying to get all this on paper. One day, if I DO get to have an appointment just for me, I want to have it all on paper. It helps me collect my thoughts. Thanks for listening. Or reading, that is.
--Poohbear
