Did I cause a psychosis? Is it my fault?

[petite_lady_marie]

Hi all.

I'm having a really bad time

I've never talked to a doctor about this, but I think I may be depressive or suffering some other disorder from since I can remember. I feel sad most of the time and for no reason. I think a lot about suicide.

I have a boyfriend for 5 years now. I love him very much. However, when things get hotter I tend to get away from him. It seems to be hard for me to let him touch me in more intimate places. Do you have any idea why? I don't feel like having relations with him any more.. but I don't want him to be out of my life.

I tried to talk to him about my possible depression.. but he didn't quite listen.

About a year ago I went to work at this company and became friends with a male colleague. A few months ago our friendship began to grow and we became really close. I told him about my feelings. At first he said "forget it" and I was very hurt. After a while he got more understanding and supportive and he seemed to really care about me. When I was feeling the end of the world was upon me and only wanted to die, he was there... and that gave me much hope. One day he said we were more than friends. I called him crazy... But then.. we kissed. And it didn't happen only once.. We even almost made love. I had to resist. We already went too far. I couldn't do that to the boyfriend I love.. But after all I kissed another man! Was it as wrong as I think it was? Specially my friend is married and has kids! I never thought I would do something like this. Before it happened to me I would judge this in a severe way. However, I believe I didn't began loving my boyfriend any less.. I just began loving a friend a bit more.. Is it possible to love more than one?

Something happend recently. My friend became very weird.. He was psychotic. His relationship was going through a bad stage and he suspected his wife was seeing someone else. He was very obsessed about it. He got sick (I think the doctor's diagnosis was actually psychosis) and he is now on license for 2 weeks.. He was also not sleeping well. He'd fall asleep but then wakeup a few hours later and he couldn't sleep anymore. He began taking pills which didn't seem to help either.

I believe this is all my fault. It's my fault because I'm sure he felt guilty about us as I do. It's my fault because I asked him often how our partners would be feeling about this, how they would suffer. It's my fault because I kept saying "what if our lovers had someone else instead? how would we feel?" I belive he started wondering about it.. And became totally obsessed. He wasn't even as gentle as he was before with me.. Yet, we always said we had to stop.. or we had to tell our lovers, but we couldn't do either.. I need him so badly.. He was such a positive person and now he scares me.. I guess it's also my fault for bringing to his live my negative thoughts..

Now he's at home resting and he wouldn't even talk to me. It seems I only cause pain to those I love. Pain to my boyfriend even though he doesn't know, pain to him also because of not being open to the intimacy he desires. Pain to my dear friend because of all this.. I can't handle this anymore. I need him so much.. What should I do?? I can't see how to help my friend.. and I don't know what to do about my boyfriend. Help me please.. It feels like the only way is to let myself die.. Everyone would be better without me causing so much pain.. I didn't win anything.. I just may have lost a precious friend and endangered my relationship. I do it all wrong. I'm a lonely person, I guess I was meant to be alone.. I just wish I'd never been born..

Sorry for such a long post.. I just needed to talk and I have no one else but you..

 

[just mary]

Hi Marie,

Sorry you're feeling so bad right now. You sound like you're in a very tough spot right now and I'm glad you posted. It's good that you can come here and talk about these things.

I want to stress however that you didn't cause his psychosis, I don't believe anyone can cause another person's psychosis. It's good that he's seeing a doctor though and getting treatment. He may need to be alone right now, in order to get rest and feel better. I really don't think you should blame yourself.

Perhaps a little distance between the two of you might help and put things in perspective. Maybe you could talk with your boyfriend and try to figure out what's going in your relationship.

I went through something similar and the only thing that worked for me was to end it, completely. It hurt, it was painful and I felt so much guilt. It took awhile for me to resolve the experience. But I did it with the help of a counsellor and my doctor. It takes time.

I hope this helps. :heart:

Take care,

jm

 

[Retired]

Marie,

I would suggest you terminate the relationship with the work colleague, as it appears, to my lay and un professional eye, this man has issues of his own.

Even worse, it almost seems he may have tried to manipulate you into a romantic situation. Taking into consideration this is a married man with children, and perhaps he recognized you were having feelings of depression and perhaps feeling vulnerable, his actions were unforgivable..

It would appear he took advantage of your honesty and vulnerability during your difficult time.

Now we add to the recipe the fact that he is experiencing some sort of personal crisis, which includes suspecting his wife is cheating on him!

Oh..but if he would have cheated on his wife by having an affair with you, I suppose he would have felt this was OK??? :bonk:

Marie, this is a recipe for trouble, for you, which you do not need during this time when you need competent professional counseling yourself.

I've never talked to a doctor about this, but I think I may be depressive or suffering some other disorder from since I can remember..

Why have you hesitated speaking to your doctor about your feelings of depression?

Depression is a treatable illness. and is an illness just like any other medical condition such as diabetes or myopia.

Our bodies sometimes need a tune up, to bring us back to factory condition. :wink:

Your doctor can help you with this, and if your present doctor is not interested, then find another doctor.

Do you have easy access to a mental health facility in the place where you live?

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Let me just reiterate what the others have said, Marie: There is no way you could have caused a psychotic reaction in your colleague. It simply is not possible.

I would also agree that you should seriously consider getting some help for your depression. Depression is a very treatable condition and there really is no reason for you to suffer unecesssarily.

 

[petite_lady_marie]

Hi all.

Thank you so much for your replies. I'll be needing some time to read them more carefully, as I'm at work right now..

I can't seem to focus! I keep thinking about my friend. I want to see him so badly... To check how he's doing and all.
Perhaps I'll leave earlier today and visit him or ask him to meet me somewhere.. Although I'm not sure he'd want to see me at all.

What should I do? Should I go?? Would it be worse for both of us? Should I leave him alone? Should I give him time?
If it was me instead, I'd want him to visit me.. But he's not even talking to me

I can't keep spending my time wondering about him (I should be working..).
I care a lot about him and he is a good person. Inspite everything, I still want us to be dear friends..

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I think I'd be inclined to give him space right now. First, he's likely not himself at the moment (and perhaps wasn't when he kissed you either). Second, he may be embarrassed about his behavior and may need time to sort that out.

 

[petite_lady_marie]

I think I'd be inclined to give him space right now. First, he's likely not himself at the moment (and perhaps wasn't when he kissed you either). Second, he may be embarrassed about his behavior and may need time to sort that out.

You're probably right, but it's just so hard to stay away. When he first kissed me he was completely different from what he is now. I believe he was "healthy" back then.. He said he just followed his feelings and was as confused as I was..
Ok.. I'm sure it's not natural to kiss another person when you're married but.. Or perhaps there was already something wrong with him indeed.. But what about me? What's my excuse?
Later on I kissed him back.. and several times I was the one taking the first step.. Should I be embarrassed too? I'm not even sure how I'm supposed to feel about all this..


I'm such a mess..

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I'm not going to pass judgement on you or him or anyone else, Marie. Each of us has to make our own decisions about what is acceptable or unacceptable (short of breaking the law or deliberately setting out to hurt other people, of course).

What I will say, though, is that as difficult as it is for you to let go it's probably the best thing to do to avoid additional hurt. From what you say, I don't see a future for you with him and I don't see it ending well if you continue to pursue him.

 

[petite_lady_marie]

I feel my life is hanging by a thread..

He is my friend and as I found out from other colleagues he is in a pretty bad shape. No matter what may have happened, I though he'd be needing a friend by is side..

Today I couldn't take it anymore. I asked him to meet me but he didn't answer. I decided to go. I traveled some distance to see him.. I was feeling so nervous. At first I was sure he wouldn't be there but then a glimpse of optimism invaded me and I knew we would talk and I would be so much better..

I should have listened to Dr Baxter... He didn't show up. I tried to call him, maybe he hadn't seen my text messages... He didn't answer. I began feeling so anxious and nervous.. I though something was wrong.. I went to his place. I stood in front of the door for a long time. I received a text message from him saying: "I'm not well yet. If you don't want me to get worse please go away.. I can't see you for now.."

When I read this by heart was torn to pieces. I was selfish and I though.. what about me?? I won't feel any better if I don't see you? How do I feel after knowing this? How do I feel after he didn't show up? I walked without a course for a while.. I cried and I laughed.. I looked at the railway and I felt like going under a fast train.. I just want to die.. Why didn't he want to see me??? WHY?? can anyone tell me?? I'm his friend! I was on vacations last week when he colapsed.. but when we said goodbye he wasn't mad at me or anything.. Before his colapse he had left me a message (which I only saw this week, unfortunately) saying "I really need to talk to you".. what changed?? why wont he talk to be now??? This means he blames me for everything! I would make him worse??? How???! Its the only explanation... i'm guilty for his condition.. his paranoia, his psychosis..

And after all he was my confident. He was the one I trusted when feelings of depression were rising.. He even wanted to take me to the doctor, now it's him who's attending psychiatrists!! What's happening????

Please talk to me.. anyone.. I have no one else to talk to... I'm in total despair.. I don't know if I'll take this anymore. Today I did the last thing I thought would have helped me.. He was my last change.. Now I have nothing holding me on to life. He was the only person willing to help me in my sad miserable life.. and all I did was to turn him into me. It seems he gather all my "psycho crisis" into a short period of time and just collapsed.. he was such a strong person.. He would always come after me when I disappeared. He knew I might try something in order to end my life.. And that was such a blessing.. I though deep in my heart, that right now he also needed me to go after him.. I needed him to need me. But all he seems to need is me out of his life.. I'm lost...

i cannot go on.. i need my guardian angel.. please send him to me! do they exist?? please i need him so much... please save me.. please... please.. because here on earth the only person who could just sent me away... and i'm sure he hates me.. and i can't forgive myself for what i did to him.. i should had never tried to get close to anyone. i always end up causing pain.. but it never got to such an extent.

please let me die.. if there is a Higher Power who gave me to life.. please take it.. i dont want it anymore..

where are you my angel.. will you save me??? i cant see you.. why cant i see you?? my stomach hurts so much... i've had dyarrhea all week since monday... my head hurts.. my heart is broken.. I cant do anything..

i want to let myself die.. the only reason i didn't kill myself already today is because i think it might leave him worse.. would he feel guilty? would this cause him permanent damage? i dont want that.. and my other love ones.. they would be sad... If i could just die spontaneously... But they would be better in time, i'm sure.. so much better without me.. yes.. they would be happier.. they'd be sad for a while, but then i would soon be forgotten and their lives would be so much better..

i wish i had never been born.. at least my friend wouldn't be like this right now.. i wish had never been born... please.. make that true.. make me unborn..

is there anyone there?? please.. just say something... please...

how i wish my friend felt sorry and would come to me... no.. no angel could save me.. only him..

 

[Cat Dancer]

I am so sorry for your pain and for what you are going through. I don't have words of advice, just know that I read your post and my heart is with you at this time.

Try to take care of yourself.

 

[petite_lady_marie]

Thank you Janet.. for your kind words.

It's a pleasant evening here.. It's warm and there's a soft breeze outside. The sky looks beautiful.. Venus is sitting side by side with Saturn and they both face Jupiter across the sky..

I'm looking towards infinity.. the sky is so deep.. it leaves me wondering what lays ahead? What's hides in there? Where my eyes only see black.. other worlds, other beings could exist.. maybe looking up themselves and wondering aswell... It makes you want to know.. but it also gives you freedom, it gives you the sweet delight of uncertainty, where all can be imagined.. and where the imagined can be possible..

 

[Retired]

Marie,

It sounds like you may need some local support, someone who can point you in a direction to prevent you from self destructing during this time of crisis in your life.

Do you have family members that you could visit, and with whom you can express your concerns?

I have a boyfriend for 5 years now. I love him very much.

Is this man still a part of your life? Is he someone you could speak to?

I've never talked to a doctor about this, but I think I may be depressive or suffering some other disorder from since I can remember. I feel sad most of the time and for no reason. I think a lot about suicide

.

Perhaps this might be a good time to seek out some help from a medical professional. Do you have access to a local crisis telephone line where you could discuss your thoughts of suicide.

If you are having these thoughts, Marie, you need to find a way to keep yourself safe until you can get professional help.

This is where visiting a relative or friend until you can see a doctor would be in your best interest.

Your depression and thoughts of suicide are conditions which can be treated by a doctor. There is no reason to be embarrassed to ask for help, and with treatment your ability to think clearly and make the right decisions will improve.

 

[petite_lady_marie]

Hello Steve. Thank you..

No, I can't speak to any family member.
Yes, the boyfriend I refer to is still part of my life. I cannot talk to him about this.. I tried to talk to him about depression, he didn't listen. Now it's too late.. and besides it involves my relationship to this other man.. which makes it even worse.

I have this other close friend.. Same thing. Tried to talk once, wouldn't listen..

I have no one to talk to.
The only person who would listen is precisely that friend who's now ill... and didn't want to see me today

I don't think I have the courage to go to the doctor by my own initiative.. I know I need professional help very much.. That friend was going to help me with that, but I've just ruined everything and now I'm all alone

I can't understand why he didn't want to see me What did I do? Doesn't he worry about me? He knows how I usually feel.. how can he do this to me.. am i being selfish? .. i suppose i am..

I even had a gift for him I bought during my vacations.. I feel so frustrated.. You can't imagine how I felt after he said he wouldn't meet me.. So abandoned, so lost.. so meaningless.. i felt i was nothing to him.. nothing good at least..

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I went to his place. I stood in front of the door for a long time. I received a text message from him saying: "I'm not well yet. If you don't want me to get worse please go away.. I can't see you for now.."

When I read this by heart was torn to pieces. I was selfish and I though.. what about me?? I won't feel any better if I don't see you? How do I feel after knowing this? How do I feel after he didn't show up? I walked without a course for a while.. I cried and I laughed.. I looked at the railway and I felt like going under a fast train.. I just want to die.. Why didn't he want to see me??? WHY?? can anyone tell me?? I'm his friend! I was on vacations last week when he colapsed.. but when we said goodbye he wasn't mad at me or anything.. Before his colapse he had left me a message (which I only saw this week, unfortunately) saying "I really need to talk to you".. what changed?? why wont he talk to be now??? This means he blames me for everything! I would make him worse??? How???! Its the only explanation... i'm guilty for his condition.. his paranoia, his psychosis..

No, of course it's not the only explanation. It's not even a likely explanation. The explanation is that he is ill, knows he is ill, and knows he cannot deal with anything else but his illness at the moment.

And after all he was my confident. He was the one I trusted when feelings of depression were rising.. He even wanted to take me to the doctor, now it's him who's attending psychiatrists!! What's happening????

He is ill. He has suffered a psychotic break.

Please talk to me.. anyone.. I have no one else to talk to... I'm in total despair.. I don't know if I'll take this anymore. Today I did the last thing I thought would have helped me.. He was my last chance..

No. There is no one person anywhere in the universe who is your last chance... except you. YOU are your last chance.

where are you my angel.. will you save me??? i cant see you.. why cant i see you?? my stomach hurts so much... i've had dyarrhea all week since monday... my head hurts.. my heart is broken.. I cant do anything..

i want to let myself die.. the only reason i didn't kill myself already today is because i think it might leave him worse.. would he feel guilty? would this cause him permanent damage? i dont want that.. and my other love ones.. they would be sad... If i could just die spontaneously... But they would be better in time, i'm sure.. so much better without me.. yes.. they would be happier.. they'd be sad for a while, but then i would soon be forgotten and their lives would be so much better..

i wish i had never been born.. at least my friend wouldn't be like this right now.. i wish had never been born... please.. make that true.. make me unborn..

You are feeling the pain of thinking you have lost your friend and lover. It is normal to feel this way. Everyone of us has felt that way at one time or another. But it is not a reason to die. To begin with, you don't know that you have even lost him. All you know is that he is ill.

how i wish my friend felt sorry and would come to me... no.. no angel could save me.. only him..

You don't need an angel to save you. You don't need him to save you. You only need you to save you.

 

[petite_lady_marie]

You don't need an angel to save you. You don't need him to save you. You only need you to save you.

I'm unable to think that way..
I can't work, I have to be strong to smile in front of my family when I'm crying inside, I have to be nice to my boyfriend and make sure he doesn't suspect I'm suffering (although when I'm with him I feel a bit better)..

I don't have what it takes to fight for my self. To my eyes I'm worth nothing. I recognize you're right, but for all my life I couldn't do that for me. I won't save me.. i'm not strong enough. If I was a lion I would sit in the shade waiting for some other lion to share a piece of his meat and bring it to me.. or else i'd starve to death.. Not because i'm lazy, just because i dont think i'm worth the effort.. I just lay down and feel miserable.. and i stay that way, unless someone comes and picks me up..

i have no will power at all...

 

[Cat Dancer]

I think you have a lot of strength and courage to write about this all here. You can use some of that strength and courage to find some help for yourself. Depression is very treatable and you can get your life back on track.

You can save yourself.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Sometimes, it's enough - for a while anyway - to keep going for others when you don't believe yourself that you are worth the effort.

 

[petite_lady_marie]

I think you have a lot of strength and courage to write about this all here. You can use some of that strength and courage to find some help for yourself.

It's easier when i'm writing instead of talking. Even to my friend, when i wanted to speak about certain things i had to write them, otherwise no words would come out of my mouth. Often i would even write it as poems instead of going straight to the subject.. it's just too hard for me.

If i have this kind of difficulty with a close friend, i can't imagine saying a single word to an unknow person..

Here you dont know who i am. you are far. and we're not talking face to face.. If we were i would shut my self down.. no one would ever know ;(

I'd like to ask a question, i've been feeling like this for a long time. There was no traumatic event that cause it..

Is it possible to be born depressive, or with any other such similar mental illness? Can depression last for an entire life?

Is it possible to lose mental capabilities (intelligence i mean)?

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Here you dont know who i am. you are far. and we're not talking face to face.. If we were i would shut my self down.. no one would ever know ;(

That's one of the prime reasons I started this forum.

I'd like to ask a question, i've been feeling like this for a long time. There was no traumatic event that cause it..

Is it possible to be born depressive, or with any other such similar mental illness? Can depression last for an entire life?

Not depression per se. But the vulnerability to depression is part of the personality. And it's not all bad. The same traits that make you vulnerable to depression also make you more sensitive to your own feelings and the feelings of others, more empathic, etc. - more the kind of person other people want as a friend or partner.

The key is to learn how to harness the positive aspects of those personality traits and manage the more destructive aspects.

Is it possible to lose mental capabilities (intelligence i mean)?

No.

 

[just mary]

Hi Marie,

I just wanted to echo what Janet, Dr. Baxter and TSOW have said. You can save yourself and talking about these feelings is a good start

Is it possible to be born depressive, or with any other such similar mental illness?

I believe some of us may have a genetic predisposition and when combined with other external factors, we might develop depression or other illnesses more easily than someone else who doesn't. But I think the jury is still out on this one, we don't really know for sure what causes it.

But we do have many methods of dealing with depression, there are a lot of medications and different types of therapy to help people. It's just finding the right combination and it is hard work to do this. It takes courage to take that first step and to continue when things get rough. So many people on this forum have done it though and there is a wealth of information here.

You've already started trying to help yourself though, by posting here and opening up. Even if it's behind a computer screeen, it still takes guts to put your emotions up here. You're doing a good job.

Take care,

jm