Did I cause a psychosis? Is it my fault?

[petite_lady_marie]

That's one of the prime reasons I started this forum.

And I thank you so much for that. And thank you all for replying to me.. at least i got my mind distracted and felt a bit of support..

Not depression per se. But the vulnerability to depression is part of the personality. And it's not all bad. The same traits that make you vulnerable to depression also make you more sensitive to your own feelings and the feelings of others, more empathic, etc. - more the kind of person other people want as a friend or partner.

The key is to learn how to harness the positive aspects of those personality traits and manage the more destructive aspects.

I do believe i'm extra sensitive to everything. With people, animals, everything. But it's just too painfull.. I cant feel "the good vibes".. All it brings is sorrow and sadness... There's so much harm around us, people hurting other people, people hurting animals, this planet being destroyed.. I often thing about all that (one of the reasons it takes me forever to fall asleep..).. I feel hopeless and helpless.. I feel sad...

Concerning the intelligence question, I used to be a very bright student. I loved Mathematics and Physics and everything was so easy.. At some point i lost interest and motivation for knowledge. It seems i found it wasn't fulfilling, i don't know. i was always alone and i never felt understood. i lacked human afection.. i was always feeling sad (well, still am eitherway..)
So i turned down the head and went for the heart.. Now i have trouble focusing, memorizing, and especially mantaining interest in anything. At work everything seems so dificult to learn, and i feel so tired all the time and without motivation.. I lost the head, and i still didn't win the heart..

 

[Cat Dancer]

I just wanted to add that I started my journey to healing by writing on this forum. I never, never thought I could find someone to open up to in real life and I wrote on this forum about my life for almost two years before I finally got the courage to actually go to a therapist and talk out loud about my problems. I found someone who is very kind-hearted and a good listener and who is truly helping me in my long journey to wellness. So I can relate to the difficulties you write about in opening up in real life, but I did it. It can be done. I wouldn't recommend waiting for two years though. I have also struggled with depression and anxiety for most of my life. You don't need to suffer anymore. Be proactive and take charge of your life and try to find someone to help you. There are wonderful people out there who want to help and are waiting to help.

 

[petite_lady_marie]

Be proactive and take charge of your life and try to find someone to help you. There are wonderful people out there who want to help and are waiting to help.

I'll try Janet.. Sometimes i feel better, and i do want to do something to change my life for i cannot keep going like this. But my mood is like a rolercoaster..

this week was so hard. i kept counting every minute till the moment i'd see him again.. that's why i couldn't follow Dr Baxter's advice of staying away. i had to do something, i couldn't spend one more day like this, and in the end it got only worse..

i don't know what to do for this week.

it's what i always do.
i see some who needs, i go for rescue.. not only for that who needs, but for me aswell.. by helping i feel helped. by making happy i feel happy. that's the only way..

one day i woke up and, as i usually like to do, i went to the garden beautifully filled with pink flowers. i notice a butterfly caught on a spider's web. poor butterfly, so white and fragile.. she was with her wings open, suspended. maybe she believe she was still flying. she was alive! i had to help her.. i picked up a small leaf and tried to release her.. the more i pulled, the more she got rolled up.. her wings got completely entangled..
she was released of the web, but she was not saved. i made a spider loose a meal, and made a butterfly suffer a death fighting to release her wings. she kept struggling to strech them..

this is what i do.

 

[Retired]

I don't think I have the courage to go to the doctor by my own initiative.. I know I need professional help very much..

Marie,

Perhaps by talking about why you are reluctant to speak with your doctor at this time, others here on Psychlinks my be able to share their own insights about when they felt the same way, and how they eventually found the courage to make the call.

Have a look at this Psychlinks posting for some ideas.

Then have a look at this NIMH page for some insights into the illness of depression.

Bear in mind that depression is an illness, which affects a large percentage of the population. There is no shame in calling your doctor for help, and if your doctor should not judge you in any way.

If you had diabetes or thyroid problem, you would probably not hesitate to call. Depression is a chemical imbalance in the body and is an illness or disorder just like diabetes or thyroid dysfunction.

Do you get along satisfactorily with your doctor?

 

[petite_lady_marie]

Marie,

Perhaps by talking about why you are reluctant to speak with your doctor at this time, others here on Psychlinks my be able to share their own insights about when they felt the same way, and how they eventually found the courage to make the call.

Have a look at this Psychlinks posting for some ideas.

Then have a look at this NIMH page for some insights into the illness of depression.

Bear in mind that depression is an illness, which affects a large percentage of the population. There is no shame in calling your doctor for help, and if your doctor should not judge you in any way.

If you had diabetes or thyroid problem, you would probably not hesitate to call. Depression is a chemical imbalance in the body and is an illness or disorder just like diabetes or thyroid dysfunction.

Do you get along satisfactorily with your doctor?

Hi Steve.

I already explained it a bit. It's hard for me to talk about my feelings to others.. Even to my closest friend. I can't even be open with my own boyfriend.. Words just don't come out. If i write it down it's easier. Sometimes i'd write things down and then ask my friend to read it.. However, it would take me quite a dose of courage just to show him my writings. I find it to be very intimate, and i dont's easialy share it. And when I think saying this face to face to an unknown...

Besides this, going to the doctor also requires you to have will to get better. To feel you're worth the effort. I dont usually feel like this. Either i dont believe i'll get better, or i'm so used to being like this that i became afraid to change. Most of all, i really thing i may be afraid that this wont stop.. and so i'd loose my last hope.

Not all people think like that. Lots of people i know say those people are weak. Some say depression is not a real illness.. People poor in spirit tend to go that way. I'm not embarrassed i guess, but i don't why i don't want anyone to find out.. maybe because it involves feelings, and as i said i'm not too fond of openning myself to others..

Thanks for the links, i'll check them out.

I feel a bit ashamed now. Actually the last time i went to the doctor was more than 10 years ago (and i'm in my 20's).. I dont like going to the doctor, i hate everything that's invasive to my system.. like needles! I never had blood tests.. So, i'm not exactly at ease with my doctor (or any other) right now.. I hardly remember his face..

I was also checking out psychologists.. They're just so expensive..
Would you recommend seeing a medical doctor or a psychologist/therapist?

Where are you? I need you, can't you feel me?
Hear me please, hear my cry..
I'm so sad.. I don't know what to do. Tears are falling.. All diamonds in the world i would refuse, all fame, all glory, everything.. for all i need is you.. Hear me please! Why won't you hear me?? Stop thinking about yourself and look at me! Face me!
What I wouldn't give for the gentle comfort of your hand on my hair..

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Why won't you hear me?? Stop thinking about yourself and look at me! Face me!

You're missing the point, Marie. He HAS to think about himself right now. He has had a serious breakdown. He needs to heal from that before he can do anything else, for anyone else.

You will have to find another way to cope.

 

[petite_lady_marie]

You're missing the point, Marie. He HAS to think about himself right now. He has had a serious breakdown. He needs to heal from that before he can do anything else, for anyone else.

Why will he talk to anyone else, why will he see anyone else but me? I have to find out how he is doing through other colleagues.. This breaks my heart. Why didn't he tell me before that he didn't want to see me? Why did he let me go to the front of his door? Do you imagine how painfull it was? :tearyeyed:
In times like these, shouldn't we want our dearest next to us? Shouldn't we look for support in our love ones? At least I know I want him around when I'm feeling down... Unless, like I said, he blames me for everything..
I know we all have different ways to deal with our pain, but...

This is what i'd like to do to him, so much: :hug:

You will have to find another way to cope.

There is no way. I don't no how to do this without him.. What if I can't take it anymore? What if I breakdown while he is still healing himself.. what if I end my life.. then there would be no turnning back.. sometimes i'm afraid of myself and he is the only one who can stop me from doing anything stupid.. how can I deal with this??!

I know he has to think about himself.. I know.. it's just my heart that doesn't.
Forgive me if I don't sound very reasonable at times.. my selfish anguish speaks first

 

[Daniel E.]

I don't no how to do this without him..

You can see a therapist, which is more likely to be effective, anyway.

Regarding expense, some therapists offer sliding scale fees, especially at university and government-sponsored clinics. If there is a large public university in your area, chances are they may have a psychology clinic for the public (non-students).

Also:

The majority of working Americans are covered under employer-provided health insurance plans.

Resources for the uninsured:

* Community-based resources: Many communities have community mental health centers (CMHCs). These centers offer a range of mental health treatment and counseling services, usually at a reduced rate for low-income people.

* Pastoral Counseling: Your church or synagogue can put you in touch with a pastoral counseling program. Certified pastoral counselors, who are ministers in a recognized religious body, have advanced degrees in pastoral counseling, as well as professional counseling experience. Pastoral counseling is often provided on a sliding-scale fee basis.

* Self-help groups: Another option is to join a self-help or support group. Such groups give people a chance to learn about, talk about, and work on their common problems, such as alcoholism, substance abuse, depression, family issues, and relationships. Self-help groups are generally free and can be found in virtually every community in America. Many people find them to be effective.

* Public assistance: People with severe mental illness may be eligible for several forms of public assistance, both to meet the basic costs of living and to pay for health care. Examples of such programs are Social Security, Medicare, and Medicaid.

http://mentalhealth.samhsa.gov/publications/allpubs/KEN98-0050/default.asp

 

[petite_lady_marie]

You can see a therapist, which is more likely to be effective, anyway.

Regarding expense, some therapists offer sliding scale fees, especially at university and government-sponsored clinics. If there is a large public university in your area, chances are they may have a psychology clinic for the public (non-students).

Quote:
"The majority of working Americans are covered under employer-provided health insurance plans."

I'm not American

I'm not yet covered by my employer's health insurance. I have a shared insurance with my parents. As I don't want them to find out about my condition (or anyone else...) I can't use that insurance. Therefore, I believe I'll have to go (if I go, anyway..) to a private clinic, and pay hard.

But thanks a lot for your tips Daniel. I'll try to see if there are any alternatives, as you suggested.

Today my friend finally called me.

I'm falling down.

He began by saying it was all over between the two of us.. (hard to listen, even though I knew and kept saying that to him we couldn't be lovers)

He said he's on recovery now, and that the doctors really help him a lot. That I should seek for help my self... He also added that he had to ask for help to those around him, his family, his friends, the people at hospital.. and talking to them, talking about his problems was also a major step.

He said he talked to his wife about everything. That our relationship had been a mistake, that he should had been strong enough..
He said he was only talking to me because he's wife asked him to. She wants to make sure nothing more will happen between the two of us.

I asked him how he felt about me, how he would feel if he didn't see me anymore.. By the sound of his voice, and the way he was talking to me, I knew.. Then he just said his wife, of course, would like he'd never lay eyes on me again.. But he wouldn't hurt me like that. He never said he, himself, needed to see me.. because he still cared for me.. and we were still friends. He said he wouldn't be sad or happy if he didn't see me again.. I guess I'm indifferent to him now.

His explanation about his state was that he was doing something wrong (his relationship with me) and so his brain, his system, began crashing down. He is smoking again (he wasn't smoking for many years now).. he says its the only thing that calms him down.. Maybe I should try too... He said he became a real paranoid and for times even hallucinated. He is now healling..

I know he blames me. When I asked him "was it my fault?" he said "i dont know, i dont know".. Sure he does. It's my fault.. Curious thing is, when I left for my hollidays, he was worried about his wife cheating on him.. He said he wasn't sleeping or feeling weel because we was obsessed with it. I thought by giving him human afection, by being kind to him, by talking to him (i always said he wasn't being reasonable) I was helping him... I realise now I was already the cause of this obsession. Weeks before we got suspicious someone might had found out about us, and we felt kind of bad..
But we was always strong, and comforted me. I guess this was when it started. He wasn't true.. he was feeling really bad.

So, I suppose I did cause a psychosis..
I asked him "will we still be friends?" .. he answered "of course, of course... just not close friends anymore..".

He said I had to go for my family and friends for support, meaning he won't be doing that for me anymore... He was my only friend close enough to now about my situation. I don't have anyone. I'm alone once again..

I said he is still very dear to me.. he answered "sure.. but i'm with the woman i love now, she's the one him supposed to be with, and my children.." he said this a thousand times. I know this.. I was the first person (as amazing as it seems) to say it to him.. Well.. but this still strangely hurts.. I feel secondary, I feel I don't matter..

I lost my last hope of salvation.. After the phone call I had a "lunatic" crisis.. I did stupid things like scratching myself, pulling hair, hitting my head.. I even cut a piece of my hair... and I cried.. and I thought I couldn't live anymore.
The only thing that's keeping me from ending up my life is what he said.. He said if did anything like that, I would destroy him completly forever. I'm sure he just said that to keep me from doing anything... but anyway...

I don't know how I'll handle this week. Now I don't think of killing my self..

I think I'll have to tell everything to my boyfriend and then I'll be alone. I should be alone.. I always said I had this curse, maybe there are past lives and I must have been someone really bad to others.. because now, everytime I go close to someone, things go wrong.. and we all suffer. I will be alone. Alone with my saddness, alone with my pain, alone with my feelings.. That's how I'm supposed to be. Maybe I'll runaway somewhere.. I'll just go away, I'll just leave and be alone forever. I've been left alone with my sorrow.. No one can ever help me now. I'm alone.

I'm feelling really bad now.. I don't know if i'll make through tomorrow.. There's no hope for me in this world.. there's no hope for me in this life, maybe i shall try the next one...

 

[Daniel E.]

As I don't want them to find out about my condition (or anyone else...) I can't use that insurance. Therefore, I believe I'll have to go (if I go, anyway..) to a private clinic, and pay hard.

I remember being insured with my parent's insurance plan when I was younger. The only way my parents knew I was seeing a doctor under the insurance plan was because I told them. Granted, parents can call the insurance company and inquire, but that is not something most parents do.

Anyway, in most cases, it's beneficial if the parents are aware that one of their children is having psychological issues since family support can be very helpful, even crucial.

I know he blames me.

Generally, people who have had a psychotic episode often have lack of insight. Therefore, his statement "I don't know" may be what he actually thinks.

I think I'll have to tell everything to my boyfriend and then I'll be alone. I should be alone.. I always said I had this curse, maybe there are past lives and I must have been someone really bad to others.. because now, everytime I go close to someone, things go wrong.. and we all suffer. I will be alone. Alone with my saddness, alone with my pain, alone with my feelings.. That's how I'm supposed to be. Maybe I'll runaway somewhere.. I'll just go away, I'll just leave and be alone forever. I've been left alone with my sorrow.. No one can ever help me now. I'm alone.

I'm feelling really bad now.. I don't know if i'll make through tomorrow.. There's no hope for me in this world.. there's no hope for me in this life, maybe i shall try the next one...

Part of the value in therapy is learning to identify and challenge such cognitive distortions as they occur.

 

[petite_lady_marie]

I remember being insured with my parent's insurance plan when I was younger. The only way my parents knew I was seeing a doctor under the insurance plan was because I told them. Granted, parents can call the insurance company and inquire, but that is not something most parents do..

Trust me, mine would find out I had been seeing a doctor.

Anyway, in most cases, it's beneficial if the parents are aware that one of their children is having psychological issues since family support can be very helpful, even crucial.

Not my case Daniel. My parents are almost in their 60's.. not even my boyfriend or friends with my age understood. Besides, I never talk about my feelings to my family..

Part of the value in therapy is learning to identify and challenge such cognitive distortions as they occur.

I may be experiencing something like that.. but to me its all real.

Today I was feeling really bad. I thought I had to call my friend, but that wouldn't be appropriate would it?
Instead of working (I couldn't focus) I was searching for psychologists on the internet. I found some in my neighbourhood and I decided to email one. To me, it meant a major step.. I told him a bit about my story, and I asked him for some information. As in here, I didn't use my real name. He replied. He said I really seem to need some help, especially due to my secrecy about the subject (since I used a nick name). He also said if I was really interested I should call him and schedule an appointment. I got really disappointed I found his response quite intimidating for a therapist.. Now I think it was a mistake. I won't go to the doctor anymore. I was just trying a first approach I guess.. As it frightens me the idea of talking to a stranger.. For me its easier to start by writing, and so I did. And he also didn't provide any information either.. why? Does he think I'm a spy or something?

Tomorrow I'll most likely call my friend.. It's not a good thing, I know..
Another even happended. At work I was at this room, sitting next to my friend. Now, because of some new project that requires some other colleagues to be next to each other I was removed from my spot (and to a room with no windows!!!) I know this isn't shocking, but.. it's what it symbolizes.. Even at work I won't be near my friend anymore.. Everything in my life is driving me away from him.. it's saying, go away, don't hurt him anymore.. I got so sad I went to the bathroom and cried... It was so nice to have him around, he help me a lot, and he always noticed I was being sad or indisposed..

Please reply to me.. I'm trying to do something, but its all going so wrong, I can't fight anymore.. I'm even thinking of goodbye letters now.. Someday I may go into the ocean and dont look back.. Please, i dont want to die, i dont really want to die...

 

[Daniel E.]

As it frightens me the idea of talking to a stranger.. For me its easier to start by writing, and so I did.

You can always start any therapy session by giving a therapist your writing (in person).

Even at work I won't be near my friend anymore..

In the long term, that is the best thing. You've probably heard of the phrase "take one day at a time." That's easier said than done but therapy and other means of social support can make it easier.

 

[petite_lady_marie]

You can always start any therapy session by giving a therapist your writing (in person).

Yes, it may be a good idea.. I just hope my therapist (if i do go and see one) will be open to that.

In the long term, that is the best thing. You've probably heard of the phrase "take one day at a time." That's easier said than done but therapy and other means of social support can make it easier.

Don't say that I'm a very private person. It's very hard for me to make friends, to let someone get into my world. So, I can't afford to lose him. In fact, I only have two friends, besides my boyfriend.. and he is one of those two and the only person who knows about my feelings.

 

[ThatLady]

Marie, you need to get help for yourself. There is no help to be found in agonizing over this matter. You need professional help, and it's obvious. If you can't speak to family members, that's fine. They can't help you anyway. You need a trained professional.

As for the gentleman you're agonizing about, he's ill. He needs time to himself, to recuperate and to take control of his life. People need, at times, to be allowed to treat themselves in their own way. We cannot push these people to answer our needs. They must first answer their own needs. This man is, obviously, not as strong as you imagined him to be. He's made it clear that he needs time to deal with his own, debilitating issues. Give him that time. That's what a friend would do, Marie. Be a good friend.

Again, I stress...get help for yourself. You're obsessing over this incident and this can only lead to further frustration, unhappiness and ill-health for you. Take action - proactive action - and go get the help you need. I wish you every success, and I'm sure you'll find that success if you simply take it upon yourself to follow the advice you've been given here. Denying anything that might help you is just prolonging your misery.

 

[ThatLady]

Don't say that I'm a very private person. It's very hard for me to make friends, to let someone get into my world. So, I can't afford to lose him. In fact, I only have two friends, besides my boyfriend.. and he is one of those two and the only person who knows about my feelings.

Marie, it may be that if you'll simply do as this man asks, you won't lose his friendship. However, if you continue along the road you're travelling, it's very unlikely that the friendship will withstand the strain.

From your friend's point of view - as a sick man - this isn't about you and your needs. This is about what he has to do to bring his life back to where he needs it to be. Your needs can be met through therapy, and it's your responsiblity to meet your needs. He must be allowed to meet his. If the friendship is true, you'll understand this and honor his request for privacy and a chance to heal.

 

[Daniel E.]

Trust me, mine would find out I had been seeing a doctor.

Well, you may want to find a therapist that accepts your insurance plan should you later become tired of paying out-of-pocket.

 

[petite_lady_marie]

Marie, you need to get help for yourself. There is no help to be found in agonizing over this matter. You need professional help, and it's obvious. If you can't speak to family members, that's fine. They can't help you anyway. You need a trained professional.

I understand that. I went after such help. I'd been exchanging emails with a psychologist and today we had an appointment. He was kind and it felt good to talk to someone, even though he spoke 90% of the time.. and sometimes he just looked at me hopping I'd say something and there was a strange silence..
It was just a conversation to help me decide if I want to start therapy with him or not. It would cost me about 60EUR (about 83 USD) per session! This is just to expensive for me. I was devastated. I can't afford a therapist. He said money reasons shouldn't prevent me from getting help but.. with no money there's no help He mentioned typically people take 1 session/week.. that's about 300EUR a month... a large amount of my salary. Besides, right now it feels I'd be needing more than 1 per week.. The Dr, of course, was gentle and said if I really wanted to go through with this he could offer special conditions to me, etc.. but i don't want to beg.. He did seem so nice, and he was already a bit acquainted with my situation.. I had faith he'd help me.

Well, you may want to find a therapist that accepts your insurance plan should you later become tired of paying out-of-pocket.

Indeed Daniel, after knowing I'd be charged a large amount I'm sure I'd be needing such a therapist. But it was a big deal for me to talk to this one. I was filled with hope today. At the session, when he told me that.. I only wanted to cry. After I'd made such a terrible effort for me, to go there, all my myself.. after I'd believed I would finally get trully helped... Everything fell apart. I'm not gonna go around and make a market survey.. That was the first and only therapist I called.. I'm not going to try another..

As for the gentleman you're agonizing about, he's ill. He needs time to himself, to recuperate and to take control of his life. People need, at times, to be allowed to treat themselves in their own way. We cannot push these people to answer our needs. They must first answer their own needs. This man is, obviously, not as strong as you imagined him to be. He's made it clear that he needs time to deal with his own, debilitating issues. Give him that time. That's what a friend would do, Marie. Be a good friend.

Ok, I now realize he needs time to himself. Sometimes I just go blind and want him to pay attention to me and disregard his own needs. But, would it be too much to ask for a simple message saying "hi, i'm getting better/worse.. hope you're doing fine with all this, see you soon.. ".. It's all I ask. For news. I worry about him, he means a lot to me.. I'll try to be a good friend and stay away.. Maybe it's my selfishness talking again, but I don't think he has been a good friend to me. His last call was cold and he said thinks like "it's all over.. you were a mistake, I was not myself."... It seemed it was all clear to him now, I felt like garbage.. All I did was to give him my love and affection I know his place his with his family.. I kept telling him that.. I felt he was cruel to me.

 

[Daniel E.]

I was filled with hope today. At the session, when he told me that.. I only wanted to cry. After I'd made such a terrible effort for me, to go there, all my myself.. after I'd believed I would finally get trully helped... Everything fell apart. I'm not gonna go around and make a market survey.. That was the first and only therapist I called.. I'm not going to try another..

Personally, I easily found my first therapist by picking up my insurance plan's list of providers and picking one that was near my home. That's all I had to do. All of the therapists I have seen in private practice were good, if not great.