Discouraged

[Cat Dancer]

In therapy Friday we talked about "WHY" I am trying to get well. I couldn't honestly answer. I don't know. I don't know why I want to get well. I have always thought I was doing it for my children, but I'm not sure that's enough. I feel kind of hopeless because I don't really picture myself ever having a normal life.

I'm thinking about quitting because I think everything I've done up until now is pointless. I don't know what I'm doing.

 

[Retired]

I believe the goal of therapy is to improve one's quality of life. If there are issues that affect your quality oif life from being the best it can be, and if these issues can be dealt with in a way that your quality of life can improve, then that's the goal.

I also feel specific goals need to be identified, and an end point to achieve these goals in therapy should be agreed to with the therapist. That way you know ahead of time where you are going and when you reasonably expect to get there.

Have you discussed your personal goals of therapy with your therapist?

 

[Cat Dancer]

I guess the main goals, I thought, were to stop the self-destructive behaviors and to stop being suicidal. I'm not sure those are really goals though? I'm confused about what I'm doing. I've had some setbacks lately and I've been focusing on that. I have not been thinking about how my life is supposed to be some day.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Yes, those are goals. Sometimes it's too overwhelming to look past immediate issues - you're far from along there, CD.

Also, there's nothing wrong with doing it for your children... for now. I think the ultimate goal will be to get to the point where you want to do it just for you but for now whatever motivation you can find is good enough.

It's not pointless and there's no reason to quit. This is a process, one which changes over time. Your goals may change, your motivation may change - YOU will change. Therapy, like life, is fluid and evolving.

 

[Cat Dancer]

I thought it was a good session. We did talk about why I want to heal. It ended well. He told me to enjoy the nice weekend we were going to have. I didn't feel at the time that it was hopeless and he was giving up on me. But I started thinking about it later and I don't know if I have distorted what we talked about, but it started feeling like he was saying I am hopeless and haven't made any progress and that I might as well give up now if I can't figure out what I'm doing.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I think you're ovgeranalyzing again.

1. You are clearly not hopeless. All of us here know that.

2. He knows you well enough by now to also know that you are not hopeless.

3. Therefore, he was not saying you were hopeless. Quite possibly, he was saying exactly the opposite.

 

[Banned]

Hey CD,

I think I can appreciate a little bit of what you're saying. For a long time I've worked on getting better for the sake of other people - mainly to keep important people in my life. I think I'm finally at a point where I can do it for me. There wasn't a magical moment that got me here. I didn't wake up one day with an epiphany. It was a process, and initially I felt as long as I was doing it for someone else, at least I was doing it. It was still better than doing nothing. Eventually a shift happens.

I've known you for a few years here and I've seen that shift. It might not be as dramatic or fast as you want it, but faster isn't always better. It's happening, and there will always be setbacks and days where you want to quit, but those days make the "good" days that much more remarkable and good. It's kind of like watching a plant grow - you look at it every day but you don't notice the change. Someone on the outside will see the change (growth) a little more clearly.

It is happening...and if it's for your kids right now, that's ok. Eventually it will be for you, too. Just don't give up, because you have so much to offer and you give so much inspiration and perseverance to others.

 

[forgetmenot]

You are far from hopless CD you have so much insight and have help me progress to where i am now in my therapy. You have help me understand what it is i am feeling and how to look at things differently. I also go to therapy right now for my family my daughter but thats good because it keeps me going. I just want you to know how important you are to people here okay and to not ever give up hope or on therapy because it does help and you will get to the point i am sure where you will do the therapy just for you. take care okay

 

[David Baxter PhD]

You are far from hopless CD

Well, actually she might be hopless... chasing around after two wee ones has a way of draining the hop right out of you.

She might even be hapless, capless, mopless, or even topless...

But she's definitely not hopeless.

 

[Cat Dancer]

I really just still don't know what I'm doing. I don't think of life in terms of actually living, just surviving. I called my therapist Tuesday and told him I really needed to talk to him and he didn't call me back. I'm supposed to have therapy tomorrow and I'm thinking about just quitting. I don't know what to do. I just think he's right about me not having a "why" to live.

 

[Domo]

Hi CD,

I know how it feels. Existing but not living. But please just hold on. At least stick around for the journey to find out 'why'.

I think i've seen that you have a daughter. She seems ike a pretty good reason to stick around

Do you think you need a med adjustment?

 

[Marcel]

I really just still don't know what I'm doing. I don't think of life in terms of actually living, just surviving.

If you are stuck here anyway, trying to survive, does it help that at least you have therapy to look forward to? At least that is "something" that can carry you from week to week?

I called my therapist Tuesday and told him I really needed to talk to him and he didn't call me back. I'm supposed to have therapy tomorrow and I'm thinking about just quitting.

If you feel like you want to talk to him, then quitting is doing the opposite of what you want.... If you quit, you don't get the chance to talk....or to keep talking.

I don't know what to do. I just think he's right about me not having a "why" to live.

CD...if you stay in therapy, maybe one week you'll eventually find a "why". At least if you stay in therapy there is someone helping you to maybe find a "why"...there is hope that you will. Won't your chances of finding a "why" go down if you quit therapy and are left to figure everything out on your own?

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Quitting now is a very bad idea.

And my guess is you're misinterpreting his comments about "a why to live". Go back and talk some more about that and what he meant and how you interpreted it.

 

[Cat Dancer]

Thanks for your responses. I am not on meds right now, but I need to be. I was supposed to go today to the doctor, but got snowed in.

I do have two precious children to live for and that is what I am focusing on.

I do think I need to stay in therapy and I do want to. I do'nt know why I am being so irrational about this and I can't seem to hold on to the logical thinking right now. i thought I had come a lot farther than I really have I guess.

I will try to talk this over with him. I'm not sure exactly how to put it though?

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Start by asking him if he could tell you what he meant by the comment.

 

[forgetmenot]

It is hard CD when your not on medication because the thought processes can get confusing I hope you can get back on your medication soon. I think talking with your therapist to get things cleared up is needed so you can move on in your therapy with no baggage between the two of you. Clear communication is important in healing process. I am glad you have your precious children because they will help you keep focus on what is important right take care let us know how meeting goes okay.

 

[Domo]

Make sure you go back to your doc as soon as you are un-snowed.

You are just irrational because of your mind set. I was going to throw in the towel with my therapy too because i only had 8 sessions left before they won't cover me anymore. As soon as i was thinking properly again, i realised what a bad idea that was.

So for right now, don't make any decisions like that. Ride out what you are going through right now, at least until your session tomorrow.

Also don't look at it like you haven't come as far as you thought. It's simply a set back or relapse if you will.

 

[Banned]

Hey CD,

Just wanted to know that I'm thinking of you. I don't have alot to offer beyond what the others have said, but I do hope you will talk to your therapist and continue the journey. Remember that it's just that - a journey, and sometimes there are hills and sometimes there are valleys, and sometimes there are detours and sometimes you have to go backwards to reroute yourself to go forwards. But it's still part of the journey, and as long as you're working on things, you are going forward, even if it doesn't seem like it at this very second.

 

[Into The Light]

how did it go today cat dancer? did you get any clarification from him? i hope it went well and that you are feeling a little better about it all.

 

[Cat Dancer]

I didn't. I got there and he had to leave because something happened at home. So I didn't get to talk to him much at all. I did give him something I wrote about the whole thing so maybe we can talk about it next week. He said I could call too. I don't know. I think I probably have misunderstood, but I still want to try to figure it all out. I so much want to do the right things and I am scared of messing up.