Do I seem to have a personality disorder?

[deandro]

I know you can't diagnose me officially, but do I seem to?

I don't like myself or other people. I have Asperger's and have always resented other people over it. I've always felt like a degenerate loser with little intelligence, but feel violent urges after being insulted. One time, someone insulted me, so I anonymously e-mailed her death threats {graphic detail removed}

I'm obsessed with death, sex, and violence.

I have a lot of daily sociopathic fantasies, {graphic detail removed}. I'm not a sociopath because I do sometimes feel guilt, but not often.

In high school, I vandalized stuff and broke into places {graphic detail removed}. I don't do this stuff anymore though. {graphic detail removed}

I have a severe temper. When I fought my sister, there were times she threatened to call the cops for hitting her. {graphic detail removed}

Even when people don't know my secrets, they same to hate me for my awkwardness. They think I'm evil when they glimpse my inner self, which is probably true.

I have no long-term ambitions except to retire early and live an average lifespan. Friends don't seem to think I have any hobbies (unless you count reading). I always do things at the last minute (e.g., college) though I manage to get As and Bs. I also went to one class extremely stoned everyday and ended up dropping it to protect my gpa.

I hate being around people. I feel like if I don't manipulate or bully them, they will do the same to me. I can't have close relationships with people (including family)becuase they will hate me if they know what I've done. I want to be alone the rest of my life.

I'm the most selfish, pessimistic, judgmental, secretive, hateful person I know. Do I seem to have a personality disorder?

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I don't know whether you have a personality disorder and no one here can answer that question. I do think from your description that you are an angry person, angry at the world, and you also mention that you have Asperger Syndrome which is going to make it more difficult for you top understand people or to interpret accurately the reactions of other people.

Are you in therapy currently? It seems to me this is something you could benefit from exploring with a therapist with some knowledge of Asperger Syndrome.

 

[bigben70]

Deandro:

You said: "I'm the most selfish, pessimistic, judgmental, secretive, hateful person I know."

If that makes you sad and you want to change, you can. If that makes you feel POWERFUL, you might not WANT to change. I would see the therapist like the doc is advising here. I was an angry person for a very long time. I used my anger and hate for the world as a shield. Hurting others before they can hurt you is not a new thing - it's quite common. I used to keep people out with my anger and keep them from hurting me. I was in a very lonely and dark place.

If this is the place you are in, I hope can get out of there. For me, that dark place is still there - just a little bit inside of me, but now I have more control over how much time I spend there. I hope you can aspire to be more than just a person who has an average life span and retire. I bet there is more to you than this.

I would strongly consider therapy. Therapy turned me from a very angry and "asocial" (avoidant) person into a more balanced and happier person. And there was a time when I didn't even WANT to be happy! I really don't miss those days...

Good luck and be well!
Big Ben

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

I'm the most selfish, pessimistic, judgmental, secretive, hateful person I know.

Well, sometimes when a person has issues, their perceptions of themselves may be flawed or exaggerated. A good way to get an objective perception of yourself would be if you could obtain the services of a therapist.

You may think you are the most selfish, pessimistic, judgemental, secretive, hateful person in your world... But maybe you are depressed or have something else going on and it's colouring your view on everything and everybody.

Perhaps you just need someone to validate that you are just a very sad person who doesn't like himself very much, and when you don't like yourself very much, it's very hard to like anyone else...

Let us know how things go, Deandro. *hugs*

 

[deandro]

I don't know whether you have a personality disorder and no one here can answer that question. I do think from your description that you are an angry person, angry at the world, and you also mention that you have Asperger Syndrome which is going to make it more difficult for you top understand people or to interpret accurately the reactions of other people.

Are you in therapy currently? It seems to me this is something you could benefit from exploring with a therapist with some knowledge of Asperger Syndrome.

No. I wouldn't mind therapy except I don't have much money and don't want a therapist who physically sees me. Being behind a screen while speaking to a therapist sounds great, but I doubt that's an option.

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

Well, talking online is tougher for the person trying to help you. It's much easier to help someone when talking on the phone and easier still to actually be in the room with that person. The only reason they want to actually see you is that it's the easiest to diagnose and communicate with you, and hear your tone, and see your face and body language, and there's less of a chance to misinterpret.

Therapy is a lot about eyes and ears and listening and knowing what to ask or when not to ask it and just let the patient/client talk. It's impossible sometimes to tell what a person is saying.

For instance... I could ask "How are you?" online...
And the reply could be "I'm just fine."

Well, was that reply tearful? "I'm *sniff* just... fine. *sob*"
Sarcastic? "I'm just FINE.... ffttt:"
Angry? Relaxed? Can't tell, right? A therapist can't make assumptions just by reading the words, especially if he/she never met the person they are trying to help before. See what I mean?

 

[deandro]

Well, talking online is tougher for the person trying to help you. It's much easier to help someone when talking on the phone and easier still to actually be in the room with that person. The only reason they want to actually see you is that it's the easiest to diagnose and communicate with you, and hear your tone, and see your face and body language, and there's less of a chance to misinterpret.

Therapy is a lot about eyes and ears and listening and knowing what to ask or when not to ask it and just let the patient/client talk. It's impossible sometimes to tell what a person is saying.

For instance... I could ask "How are you?" online...
And the reply could be "I'm just fine."

Well, was that reply tearful? "I'm *sniff* just... fine. *sob*"
Sarcastic? "I'm just FINE.... ffttt:"
Angry? Relaxed? Can't tell, right? A therapist can't make assumptions just by reading the words, especially if he/she never met the person they are trying to help before. See what I mean?

Thanks for the advice but I don't feel comfortable telling people deep secrets when they can see me even if they are therapists. I can see what your saying though. I would think that at least some therapy would be better than none though.

 

[Jazzey]

Yes, it can be quite intimidating. And as my T says to me every time "you bring to the room what you want to bring to the room" .

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

How about your own safety, deandro... Isn't it better to know that you've met your therapist face-to-face instead of seeing him/her online? That would make it more private for you, yes, but also I don't know if I could fully trust a therapist online... It could be him, it could be someone he hires to pretend it's him, because how can the same person be available online 24-7? You could ask for credentials and check them against whatever Psychologist/Psychiatrist Association info you can find, but anyone can use someone else's credentials and pretend who they are.

And so can people looking for help. A person online can see themselves one way, even if it isn't the right way, and tell a legitimate online therapist that "this is who/the way I am." Again, the therapist has to take your word for it. I doubt there would be a way to determine what's wrong online, and if you needed medication and it was the wrong kind for you, this could be problematic as well. It's not that you are intending to lead anyone astray. It's just that seeing a person in real-life is so much more revealing (which I understand is part of your issue with seeing someone in person). And what if you are in distress? How can you relay that to the person online? I think there are some therapists online, my preference would be to at least talk over the phone to someone...

What I'm getting from you is that you don't want to meet someone face-to-face because you don't want to tell someone in the same room what you are feeling, or what happened to you. Personally, I would rather tell a professional therapist what was going on in my life than my friends or family. Some of the things that I've already told friends/relatives have made them squeamish and they don't know what to do about it, so they have backed off from me somewhat. A therapist won't do that. At least not a good one.

-- Are you worried about privacy? Are you aware there is a confidentiality? Just like physicians: therapists can't tell anyone about what was in a session.
-- Do you worry about being judged? A good therapist will have the professionalism not to judge you -- other than perhaps to take stock of what could be bothering you and what to do about it. No therapist is going to go contact anyone you know - that would be your perogative, if you wanted to bring someone to the sessions (you can do that if you want). Even if you are getting benefits through work, the records of your sessions are only available to them if YOU sign a form that allows your company to communicate with your therapist (in case you need time off for stress leave or illness or something - just like physician's records - and they don't look at the whole record/session notes, they just need a synopsis of what is happening from the therapist and what they recommend your company would need to do to accommodate you at work).
-- Are you worried about leaving your house? That's another thing entirely. If you don't like leaving the house because you are reclusive and it's part of your illness, then I am not sure what to do, other than see if you can have a therapist session over the phone or come to your house to start with. (I am not sure what is possible in this situation, because I am not a therapist).

Hope this helps a bit...

 

[jeresteem99]

the problem i noticed with bpd is that due to its large number of symptoms , lots of people believe that they have it while they don’t
thanks for some tips.