Dying from the inside out

[Eye Stigmata]

I don't know how to start this.....and I don't know what to say...

Since being raped I have become heavier and heavier...I know I'm gaining weight each month....Sometimes I feel that if I become more disgusting and less attractive then I will lessen my chances of being raped again...
I know it's a sick way of dealing with rape....but I can't even walk in the dark with friends, I dont sleep in the dark, always with a big night light, I have to check my closets and under my bed EVERY night....sometimes multiple times. I have to sleep with my closet door wide open. I'm so sick of living in constant fear....I look down on myself, I look in the mirror and want to cry because I'm so disgusted by what I see...and yet, Im AFRAID that some guy is going to want sex SO badly he has to force it from me????
I just think it's a little ridiculous.... I need to get over these fears, I need a way to relax so I can help control my night terrors, I want to be able to have sleep overs at friends houses again, I want to be able to go out late at night and not be scared sh&&tless to walk to my car. I want to be able to go to sleep without panicing...without sleeping with big lights on......
Im sick of being afraid...I feel like im being punished for someone elses crime

 

[adaptive1]

Please stop blaming yourself, you did nothing wrong, it was all him. I don't blame you for feeling afraid, thats only natural. I have been through an assault too, it's an awful thing to have to deal with. Find someone to talk to about it that you can trust, it takes alot of time and kindness to yourself. I know what you mean though, I binged on food for a long time to try and deal with the pain but in time it gets better and I use healthier things like exercise and positive people to make it through the worst of it. I am so sorry you had to go through this, I wish I knew what is the right thing to say, the right thing to do, the thing that helped me the most is time and just trying to get a good support network and to stop blaming myself and see that it wasn't me, it was all him.

 

[Eye Stigmata]

Thanks..
It's just hard for me right now.....I had been doing ok and out of no where things got worse and worse and worse........hmm.

Don't worry about it all, I'm in the venting phase of this...

 

[adaptive1]

The venting part is good I think , for a long time I didn't vent about it, I kept it inside and then it got to the point where I could barely function. Now I still have some other issues but I am so much further ahead then where I was when I wasn't venting. So vent away, everyone on here is so kind and supportive of that, you don't ever need to apologize.

Don't try and go it alone, things will get worse if you do that, you totally deserve to feel better and not be in pain, believe that and it will help you.