Ashley-Kate
MVP
i don't know if this makes sense to anybody but i am going to write this anyway cause well i don't know who else could maybe understand!
i think honestly and i don,t want to freak anybody out or anything but i think i am going to die of this disease i feel that my will power to get through it to get better is not there i feel that my need to be the smallest the thinnest is far greater than my will to survive ! i would like to live yeah but then again i ask myself why and the answers is only in the desire to be the thinnest not to be happy to exist with others but only to be thin! for people to notice that this i can do i can be thin! and no one can stop me i know it sounds pathetic but i can't stop thinking that i don't have anything else to live for but anorexia it scares me yet not so much ! my psychologist told me the other day when i was crying in her office that i don't want to get better that i can change my thoughts but i just chose not to! and it frustrated me cause i can't i can't change what i think and i think to die on this planet anyway i would chose at least to die certain that i attained the objective of thin! cause if i die of anything else i will not be sure that i was thin enough when i died and then i don't know i just feel so scared of being fat!
i know how stupid this must sound but i had to say it to try to understand myself . i just don't know what to do
i think honestly and i don,t want to freak anybody out or anything but i think i am going to die of this disease i feel that my will power to get through it to get better is not there i feel that my need to be the smallest the thinnest is far greater than my will to survive ! i would like to live yeah but then again i ask myself why and the answers is only in the desire to be the thinnest not to be happy to exist with others but only to be thin! for people to notice that this i can do i can be thin! and no one can stop me i know it sounds pathetic but i can't stop thinking that i don't have anything else to live for but anorexia it scares me yet not so much ! my psychologist told me the other day when i was crying in her office that i don't want to get better that i can change my thoughts but i just chose not to! and it frustrated me cause i can't i can't change what i think and i think to die on this planet anyway i would chose at least to die certain that i attained the objective of thin! cause if i die of anything else i will not be sure that i was thin enough when i died and then i don't know i just feel so scared of being fat!
i know how stupid this must sound but i had to say it to try to understand myself . i just don't know what to do