• Quote of the Day
    "Too bad the only people who know how to run the country are busy driving cabs and cutting hair."
    George Burns, posted by David Baxter
Joined
Jun 22, 2005
Messages
951
Points
16
i don't know if this makes sense to anybody but i am going to write this anyway cause well i don't know who else could maybe understand!

i think honestly and i don,t want to freak anybody out or anything but i think i am going to die of this disease i feel that my will power to get through it to get better is not there i feel that my need to be the smallest the thinnest is far greater than my will to survive ! i would like to live yeah but then again i ask myself why and the answers is only in the desire to be the thinnest not to be happy to exist with others but only to be thin! for people to notice that this i can do i can be thin! and no one can stop me i know it sounds pathetic but i can't stop thinking that i don't have anything else to live for but anorexia it scares me yet not so much ! my psychologist told me the other day when i was crying in her office that i don't want to get better that i can change my thoughts but i just chose not to! and it frustrated me cause i can't i can't change what i think and i think to die on this planet anyway i would chose at least to die certain that i attained the objective of thin! cause if i die of anything else i will not be sure that i was thin enough when i died and then i don't know i just feel so scared of being fat!

i know how stupid this must sound but i had to say it to try to understand myself . i just don't know what to do
 

David Baxter

Administrator
Joined
Mar 26, 2004
Messages
37,769
Points
113
Re: dying to dye???

i know how stupid this must sound but i had to say it to try to understand myself

It reads to me like someone trying to understand how strong the grip of anorexia can be, Ashley.

I also think it's not true that you don't want to get better - it's more that you are afraid to give up the last part of you that you think you can control, even though logically you know you don't control it at all but in fact it's controlling you.
 
Joined
Jun 22, 2005
Messages
951
Points
16
is it not a bit sad that as my psychologist tells me that i don't want to get better cause i am not changing things?

i just think well if she thinks i don't want to why not go with it and just give up no one believes i am trying anyway !

i am just terrified that i will drop too deep into this where i won't care anymore !
 

David Baxter

Administrator
Joined
Mar 26, 2004
Messages
37,769
Points
113
is it not a bit sad that as my psychologist tells me that i don't want to get better cause i am not changing things?

Yes. But your psychologist can't read your mind. And she could be wrong about this.

i just think well if she thinks i don't want to why not go with it and just give up no one believes i am trying anyway !

No one? Or maybe it's just her that thinks that way? Or maybe she doesn't even truly believe it but was trying to get a reaction from you.

If I heard "you're not trying hard enough" from someone, I think my reaction would be, "oh yeah? I'll show you!" and I'd try even harder to prove that person wrong.

i am just terrified that i will drop too deep into this where i won't care anymore !

I understand. But only you can determine that - only you can either permit it to happen or prevent it from happening.

I don't recall how long you've been seeing this particular therapist but I can see a lot of growth and progress in the time you've been a member here. If your therapist can't see that, I wonder why not?
 
Joined
Jun 22, 2005
Messages
951
Points
16
i have been seeing this therapist for the last 3 months about since i started my first session in college in september ! and since then well i have only went from eating properly and functionning relativly good to droping my food intake going back to my ritual eating and behaviors and it just seems that i need her to tell me that she inderstands that it isn't easy and that she belives in me cause then i might have as a reflexe to say she thinks this is hard well i will show her that hard things are easy for me that i can do it but it won't come i feel that my e-d has became a game a power trip to prove to my therapist that i am really anorexic as to prove to myself as well for i feel that i am not trully cause i would be thin
 

Top Bottom