David Baxter PhD
Late Founder
How To Eliminate Unnecessary Suffering
By Lou LaGrand, The Grief Blog
May 21, 2009
Unnecessary suffering, when mourning the death of a loved one, can be minimized and eventually eliminated. How? By becoming aware of some of the prevailing grief myths and forming the intent to abandon them. Then, face the legitimate pain that is a part of all loss experiences and let it work through you unimpeded.
Yes, legitimate pain is inescapable; no one gets a free pass. Suffering is part of every life at a variety of turning points. But excessive and unnecessary suffering needs to be recognized for what it is-an energy drain and a way of increasing intense grief-and steps taken that will lead to its elimination. Here is what you can do.
1. Learn how to block repetitive sad negative thoughts without feeling guilty. You are not expected to grieve 24 hours a day, seven days a week. You can make every effort to reduce the intensity of emotion and repetitive negative thought patterns (like focusing on the loved one?s pain and that you should have done more, etc.). This is doable by choosing to automatically substitute a loving thought at some point when inundated with hurtful thoughts.
?No-one can create negativity or stress within you,? said internationally renowned author and speaker Wayne Dyer. ?Only you can do that by virtue of how you process your world.? Change the way you look at your loss and how you are willing to adapt to it. Then go to work on your thought patterns and accept that you can?t change what has happened. You can, however, control what happens inside of you. There is where you focus.
2. Get out of your house or apartment regularly.
Many mourners take time outs away from the house as they grieve to reduce the reminders that set off more painful thoughts. Decide what part of the day is more difficult for you to deal with, morning or afternoon. Then get out into the healing environment of nature or have an errand to run. Find something constructive to do outside the home.
In the evening, which is usually the most difficult for many, have a telephone buddy you can call or who will call you. As much as possible, plan to make contact with someone so that you are not totally isolated each evening. It will also help to rearrange furniture in a particular room that you are most sensitive to or even remove or replace furniture.
3. Choose a wise listener.
Have a heart to heart with your best friend daily, if possible; it is your best medicine. Choose this person very carefully. It may not be a family member. Perhaps someone you seem to connect with because you trust the person and know (s)he respects you. Ask the person if you can ?use? him/her as a sounding board for the most frequent pain producing thoughts you experience. Tell the person no answers or advice is required but that you may wish to ask for an opinion on occasion.
4. Walk. Walk. Walk.
Don?t let a day go by without using the much needed physical expression of pent-up emotion. Walking is a physical release for all of the anxiety that adds to the tension in muscles. Map out a route that you like and where you will be able to say hello to others. Again, even though you would like to stay hidden away, human contact is a major way back from unnecessary suffering. Some mourners choose to go to a local fitness center or walk the mall. You will meet others who are at various stages in dealing with loss and change.
5. Build a new relationship with the deceased.
Get rid of the big myth: You must find closure and get on with your life. In reality, you can establish a new relationship with your loved one and reinvest in life at the same time. You do not have to forget about the beloved. In fact, establishing a new relationship with the deceased is one of the major goals of mourning. There is no such thing as closure, if it means you are always supposed to put your beloved in the past. That is totally unrealistic and unnecessary. He or she lives in your heart, just a thought away.
In summary, keep in mind what psychiatrist Viktor Frankl observed when you need to motivate yourself out of the tendency to give in to repetitive hurtful thoughts, ?When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.? You can make those changes and eliminate the culturally dictated suffering that has no basis in reality. Go against the myths of staying secluded, closure, putting your loved one always in the past, and grieving without a daily diversion. You have every right to take care of yourself as you adapt to your great loss.
Dr. LaGrand is a grief counselor and the author of eight books, the most recent, the popular Love Lives On: Learning from the Extraordinary Encounters of the Bereaved. He is known world-wide for his research on the Extraordinary Experiences of the bereaved (after-death communication phenomena) and is one of the founders of Hospice of the St. Lawrence Valley, Inc.
By Lou LaGrand, The Grief Blog
May 21, 2009
Unnecessary suffering, when mourning the death of a loved one, can be minimized and eventually eliminated. How? By becoming aware of some of the prevailing grief myths and forming the intent to abandon them. Then, face the legitimate pain that is a part of all loss experiences and let it work through you unimpeded.
Yes, legitimate pain is inescapable; no one gets a free pass. Suffering is part of every life at a variety of turning points. But excessive and unnecessary suffering needs to be recognized for what it is-an energy drain and a way of increasing intense grief-and steps taken that will lead to its elimination. Here is what you can do.
1. Learn how to block repetitive sad negative thoughts without feeling guilty. You are not expected to grieve 24 hours a day, seven days a week. You can make every effort to reduce the intensity of emotion and repetitive negative thought patterns (like focusing on the loved one?s pain and that you should have done more, etc.). This is doable by choosing to automatically substitute a loving thought at some point when inundated with hurtful thoughts.
?No-one can create negativity or stress within you,? said internationally renowned author and speaker Wayne Dyer. ?Only you can do that by virtue of how you process your world.? Change the way you look at your loss and how you are willing to adapt to it. Then go to work on your thought patterns and accept that you can?t change what has happened. You can, however, control what happens inside of you. There is where you focus.
2. Get out of your house or apartment regularly.
Many mourners take time outs away from the house as they grieve to reduce the reminders that set off more painful thoughts. Decide what part of the day is more difficult for you to deal with, morning or afternoon. Then get out into the healing environment of nature or have an errand to run. Find something constructive to do outside the home.
In the evening, which is usually the most difficult for many, have a telephone buddy you can call or who will call you. As much as possible, plan to make contact with someone so that you are not totally isolated each evening. It will also help to rearrange furniture in a particular room that you are most sensitive to or even remove or replace furniture.
3. Choose a wise listener.
Have a heart to heart with your best friend daily, if possible; it is your best medicine. Choose this person very carefully. It may not be a family member. Perhaps someone you seem to connect with because you trust the person and know (s)he respects you. Ask the person if you can ?use? him/her as a sounding board for the most frequent pain producing thoughts you experience. Tell the person no answers or advice is required but that you may wish to ask for an opinion on occasion.
4. Walk. Walk. Walk.
Don?t let a day go by without using the much needed physical expression of pent-up emotion. Walking is a physical release for all of the anxiety that adds to the tension in muscles. Map out a route that you like and where you will be able to say hello to others. Again, even though you would like to stay hidden away, human contact is a major way back from unnecessary suffering. Some mourners choose to go to a local fitness center or walk the mall. You will meet others who are at various stages in dealing with loss and change.
5. Build a new relationship with the deceased.
Get rid of the big myth: You must find closure and get on with your life. In reality, you can establish a new relationship with your loved one and reinvest in life at the same time. You do not have to forget about the beloved. In fact, establishing a new relationship with the deceased is one of the major goals of mourning. There is no such thing as closure, if it means you are always supposed to put your beloved in the past. That is totally unrealistic and unnecessary. He or she lives in your heart, just a thought away.
In summary, keep in mind what psychiatrist Viktor Frankl observed when you need to motivate yourself out of the tendency to give in to repetitive hurtful thoughts, ?When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.? You can make those changes and eliminate the culturally dictated suffering that has no basis in reality. Go against the myths of staying secluded, closure, putting your loved one always in the past, and grieving without a daily diversion. You have every right to take care of yourself as you adapt to your great loss.
Dr. LaGrand is a grief counselor and the author of eight books, the most recent, the popular Love Lives On: Learning from the Extraordinary Encounters of the Bereaved. He is known world-wide for his research on the Extraordinary Experiences of the bereaved (after-death communication phenomena) and is one of the founders of Hospice of the St. Lawrence Valley, Inc.
